Ind e-Pen V

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1++BT+5+++

Introduction:
===============

Snood. Snood. Snood. I’m not going to tell you about snood. Snood is bad. Snood is the reason I almost didn’t write this issue. It’s more addictive than nicotine, cocaine, alcohol, and porn put together. It’s… well… a game of aim. And I’m not going to tell you to go to www.snood.com to download it. You’ll get addicted. First you’ll think, “how hard could this possibly be?” Then you’ll be hooked. So don’t download it, don’t see it, and above all, don’t play it. But you will. You all will. Just like I did. And, just like I did, you’ll wish you hadn’t. *sigh* Stupid addictions. Oh, yeah, here’s your viewsletter:

Ten Paces at nine,

I’m stuck in my room right now. If I leave, I run the potential of getting shot by my neighbor, Kyle. See, at some point during the day, I sort of got into a rubber-band fight with my two neighbors across the hall. It wasn’t a fair fight, though. I mean, first of all, I was never good at shooting rubber bands at people. I was equally likely to hit my own fingers as other people. Plus, it was just me against two people. Oh, and did I mention that I didn’t have any rubber bands?

So basically, two random guys just ganged up on me and started shooting rubber bands at me. It sort of reminded me of Middle School… or my high school drama club.

After the initial burst of fighting, the manly part of my conscience yelled to stop cowering in fear and stand up to my adversaries. So, at the whim of my momentary overdose of testosterone, I hid myself in my room and locked the door behind me. I was quite safe for about a minute before Kyle asked to be let in to work out a truce.

Kyle, being the expert negotiator he is, came in and declared that if anyone stepped outside of the hall, then the “122 Bandits” would shoot that person. In turn, I told him that if He stepped out of his room, the “111 Assassins” would attack Him.

Okay, maybe the 111 assassin. My roommate wasn’t too into the idea. Plus he didn’t want the “111″ in it because he figured it would involve him too much. So I was the “assassin,” but that’s okay… never mind that they pointed out that the word assassin has two ‘ass’es and an ‘in’ in it. Whatever. Hey, I was in the moment, you can’t blame me for that.

That was about when he offered to duel me for my room rights. We stand back to back, walk ten paces, then turn around and shoot. Just like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Or maybe not exactly like them. Because in Rubber Band Shoot Outs, ten paces is too many. And we didn’t reach. So we started over, with five paces instead. This time somebody did win. Me.

Yeah, that’s why I’m stuck in my room right now. Right.

So I lost my hallway priveleges for the night, but I’ll get them back tomorrow. You watch. I will…

Advice…

People have died because they didn’t follow my advice. Like when I suggested that my friend quit smoking? Then, because she was out smoking, she got runover by a rampant bread truck.

Thoughts on Pennsylvania…

You know what surprises me about this place? How few snowball fights there are. I mean, where I’m from we have cactus, rock, and glob of dirt fights all the time… it’s usually just me against the Lovett law firm building, but at least I work up a sweat.

Thoughts on the Presidential Primary

I’ve got nothing… with the possible exception that I’m tired of hearing Dean’s concession speech. It’s being played out more than 9/11 now. Jeez.

One last thing:

Okay, there was a small problem with last week’s question. See, I personally thought that one guy would win (because my roommate has everything but a daily calendar about him. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for John Kerry and Starlit C. Hill), some other guy won. I forget his name. In any case, I accidentally sent out two prizes to two people instead of one. I apologize, this mistake will not happen again (unless it does). But anyway, congratulations to Starlit, your issue is on its way, and sorry about the constant berating over your political views.

Last Week’s Question: Who’s going to win the New Hampshire Caucus?

“Starlit’s Answer: John Kerry”

This Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday? Should I go see him?

Last Year: Ow
| 8 Comments

Ind e-Pen IV

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+4+++

Introduction:
===============
Okay, because I didn’t feel like writing a real viewsletter this issue, I decided to just write a little bit of dialogue. Here you go. Hopefully the time I saved in writing this will help me out with some other stuff this week…

Pixel: Oh, hello.
MiB: Hello Mr. Styx. We understand that you’ve recently seen an Unidentified Flying Object.
Pixel: Who’s we?
MiB: I represent people of, shall we say, importance…
Pixel: You mean like LL Cool J? Is he with you? Can I see him?
MiB: We do not know of whom you are speaking, but we can assure you, we hold vast more power than he does.
Pixel: You mean you’re like his mom? He respects her. Man, I’ve never seen a man front so much for someone, seriously….
MiB: No, we have never heard of Elell Cool Jay. Our representative is of greater galactic importance. Regardless, you must understand that you were not in a correct state when you saw what you think you saw.
Pixel: When?
MiB: When you saw the UFO.
Pixel: What UFO?
MiB: Mr. Styx, you are making this exceedingly difficult and you must understand that my benefactors will not like that.
Pixel: Ooh, you used a singular proverb, good for you! We remember when we first did that.
MiB: I’m sorry?
Pixel: Oh, don’t apologize, using English correctly is the first step to rehabilitation.
MiB: Rehabilitation? Of what?
Pixel: Of seeing a UFO, which you’ve obviously seen.
MiB: No, I am sorry. UFO’s don’t exist, neither one of us has ever seen one before.
Pixel: Aw, damn, I worked you back to denial… Well, whatever.
MiB: Mr. Styx, you have two coins in your pocket.
Pixel: No I don’t.
MiB: Yes. I’m certain that you do. Take them out now.
Pixel: No I don’t. If I do, what type are they?
MiB: One is one of your U.S. Quarter Dollars and the other is what you call a dime. Please take them out now.
Pixel: Well, hot dog, you were right. You should take that on Vegas, you could make some serious bank.
MiB: Give me one of the coins.
Pixel: A coin trick? Oh, cool. Here you go.
(the coin shimmers, then fades away. Use magic if you have to)
MiB: No one on Earth will ever see that coin again.
Pixel: That’s a nice trick, I’ve seen better, though. Like this one time, I saw this guy push a coin in his back, then spit it out of his mouth, it was great! Can you do that?
MiB: No, I’m afraid I can’t. The point was to teach you a lesson.
Pixel: A pretty crappy lesson if you couldn’t spit out the coin… What was I supposed to be learning, anyway? Fractions? I hate fractions. I’m sorry if I didn’t learn them right.
(taps a hand to his ear)
MiB: I can’t seem to get through to him, he’s been brainwashed well. I don’t think we have anything to fear. Hm. (looks at Pixel) This may take a while…
Pixel: So… can I have my coin back?
MiB: What? No. No one on Earth will ever see that coin again. I told you that.
Pixel: I didn’t think you were serious. That was just a trick. I need that coin to buy some Jolly Ranchers today.
MiB: The point was to teach you that you did not in fact see a UFO. That it would be foolish to go about repeating that you had.
Pixel: That’s a jolly good lesson there, but… Well, I just thought that I wasn’t going to be paying for it. I mean, I know you can teach fractions really well, but, can’t you do it without making us poor college students poor… er
MiB: You are not in college.
Pixel: Not right now, but you just wait for my classes tomorrow.
MiB: Tomorrow is Sunday.
Pixel: What, you have something better to do on a Sunday? You can’t wait for my classes?
MiB: (obviously trying to segue out of this conversation)
How about that weather?
Pixel: It’s good…. Great, even. Great enough to wait 24 hours to see my classes start.
MiB: My information was that you do not go to school.
Pixel: What kind of a teacher has bad information like that… Seriously.
MiB: I AM NOT A TEACHER!!!
Pixel: Yeah, and you suck at Fractions too.
MiB: Listen, if you want your wife to keep her pretty face, you will not tell anyone about the UFO that you saw.
Pixel: Hmm… Listen, I don’t have a wife. Maybe you meant to go teach someone else? Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?
MiB: No!
Pixel: Good, I didn’t want to have to go into the Witness Protection Program.
MiB: You are Pixel Q. Styx, right?
Pixel: No, I’m Fox Mulder, have you met my lovely sidekick Superman?
MiB: Don’t toy with me. Well, seeing as it’s obvious that no one would listen to you anyway, I think I shall leave.
Pixel: No, wait! Don’t you want to stay and watch I Love Lucy?
MiB: I’m afraid that would prove to be impossible. Not only do you not have cable, but your television is broken.
Pixel: Oh, no it’s not. You just have to wait for it to heat up, it’s like a Fierro.
MiB: It is nothing like a Fierro, it is missing a bulb. It will not work.
Pixel: There you go with your pessimistic impatience again. It’ll work. Trust me, I know. You just have to wait for it to warm up. Not too much, though, or else it’ll heat up and stop working again. So we can see the first ten minutes of I Love Lucy, then catch the highlights at nine.
MiB: It is nine twenty right now, your television does not work, and you do not have cable.
Pixel: How can you live being wrong all the time?
MiB: We are never incorrect. We will leave now.
Pixel: You suck at exits, you know that?
MiB: I know more than you can imagine.
Pixel: Including the winning lottery numbers? Because I can imagine those.
MiB: Goodbye Mr. Styx. (He fades away)
Pixel: Wow, interesting guy… too bad he’s gay though… I mean, did you see how clean those boots were? Nobody keeps their boots that clean.

(looks at his shoes. Notices that they are extremely clean and walks away as if to dirty them)

One last thing:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for answering last week’s question correctly (again). As a reward, she will be mailed a Pix Capacitor this week… plus she gets a gold star (this being her second correct answer in two weeks)

Last Week’s Question: Would [asking a question every week] be fun?
Her Correct Answer: Yes.
One last thing:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for answering my question correctly (again) last week. As a reward, she will be mailed a Pix Capacitor this week… plus she gets a gold star (this being her second correct answer in two weeks)

Last Week’s Question: Would [asking a question every week] be fun?
Her Correct Answer: Yes.
This Week’s Question: Who’s going to win the New Hampshire Caucus? Is it Cheney? I think it’s Cheney.

| 8 Comments

Ind e-Pen III

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+3+++

Introduction:
===============

I just got back from a trip here in Indiana, PA. Basically, we went to the mall, the hospital, then out to eat. You know, the classical college pastime. Eating, I mean. But there was something special about this case. It was my first time eating at a place called Eat n Park (or was it Peat n ark?). I’d never heard of it before, but apparently it’s really popular in Pennsylvania. How New Mexican of me to not know that… And that’s not the first time I’ve shown my blond roots (because us New Mexicans are known for our roots you know… our cactus roots… which still aren’t blond, but still). While I’ve been up here– or technically, over here– I’ve shown my being new at everything almost every day. But how could things be so different over just 2000 miles? And are things really that different? You be the judge.

New Mexico:

I’ve lived in New Mexico for the vast majority of my adult life (May to December 2003), so you could say that I’m a little knowlejabel about it. I’ve also gone to college there for well over the lifespan of most mature fruit flies, so you can say that I’m a sort of like a resident expert in New Mexican life. I mean how much is there to know? I know all about how much it bites to get up at four in the morning to go rassle cattle. And I know how awful it is when all of your cattle get either hunted down by Injuns or stolen by banditos. So then you have to stay up till midnight to steal some more of ol’ man Peabody’s livestock for tomorrow… ha ha, oh, memories… of New Mexico. Right?

Maybe I’m thinking of Kansas. I’ve driven by Kansas before, I know what I’m talking about. Obviously.

Anyway, what do I know about New Mexico? That it gets awfully warm there sometimes. But it’s not always warm, it gets pretty cold in the winter, too. I mean, I’ve seen it get down all the way to the mid 70s. In temperatures like that you can’t just wear a tank top anymore. You have to bundle all the way up and take a warm t-shirt. It might even have to be cotton!

Living in New Mexico has taught me all about driving in the dirt. At some point, probably a visit to Texas, I learned to drive on pavement, too. Perhaps some day I’ll learn to drive on asphalt. But when would anyone ever need that?

The interstates in New Mexico are pretty cool (all three of them), it’s almost as if they want to make them drive smoothly enough so as to make visitors remember only one set of beautiful mountain scenery. Theoretically, people would be so captivated by the beauty of the sky and the lovely temperature of their car’s air conditioner that they’d forget to look sideways at all of the dirt, cacti, and illegal aliens (”hola”).

That’s New Mexico in a nutshell. All of the non-collegiate parts, at least. It’s like a different country once you get on my college campus (specifically, the United States).

What’s New Mexico State University like, you ask? Well, it’s big. It’s 6,250 acres to be exact. There’s well-watered grass there, which is more than you can say for anywhere else I’ve been in my life. The student union building is cool and the libraries are big and probably very informative.

What else is good about my college? I like the people. The ones that don’t ignore you or avoid you are usually very nice… to your face.

My college is located in a town called Las Cruces. What can I say about Cruces? Well, it’s big enough to have two Wal-Marts, 2.25 movie theaters, and also a mall (pfft!). Other than those three things (which get tired pretty quickly), there’s really not much else to do in Cruces except for retiring.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

And now, a Word from our sponsors:

Postulate.

They’re not very good sponsors…

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Pennsylvania:

A little known fact about the Amish: it’s not that they’re overly religious, it’s just that they’re backwards. Really, I think that they were just too proud to ask how the railroad worked and ended up living in the mountains as a result (it happens more often than you think, just look at Canada).

Actually I haven’t been to Amish country yet. Although I figure I’m less than an hour away from them so that makes me as much an authority on Amish life as I am on anything else.

Speaking of anything else, what’s Pennsylvania like? I mean really. All I see is snow right now. I’m hoping that when the snow starts to thaw, I’ll see some colonists that are still angry at King George for the Stamp Act. Then again, it’s not like I can wait until global warming starts to set in. I don’t have 20 years to spare (or four if we keep electing Republicans).

Driving in Pennsylvania bites, by the way. I don’t know if I just need to drive in better roads, but what’s the deal with 60 mile per hour speed limits? And who had the bright idea to build a highway that goes straight through a town that seems to be composed entirely of one road? And the road is congested… And it’s one-way the whole way…

But enough of driving in the snow-covered roads (or sidewalks, whatever. Hey, how am I supposed to know? They’re snow-covered!), what about the people of Western Pennsylvania? What are they like?

First off, let me say that Pennsylvania is just as diverse as New Mexico. The only difference is that New Mexico is has mostly white and latino people, where as here you go all the way from the milk-white and blond stereotype to the eggshell-white and dirty blond extreme! Yes siree, they’re a diverse group here. Add in about 50 black and asian people and you get the gist of Indiana, Pennsylvania.

Actually, that’s probably not fair. Indiana is actually very representative of all of the major races in the world. Provided that those races are white.

And how does the college here (the Indiana University of Pennsylvania) match up to NMSU? Well, the name is much cooler for one. Also, the dorms are way better, although the meal plans suck. Not nearly as much as the parking situation, though.

The people in the campus are cool too. They smoke like James Dean on a nicotine trip. It’s funny, really. There’s like a 2000% increase in smoking up here (although coffee consumption is about the same). Perhaps I shall do a study on that later. Or a series of pranks. It’s all really the same thing.

What about the town, you ask? Well, there’s a Wal-Mart, a movie theater, and a mall that has a sub shop that gave my neighbor a hideous allergic reaction. That’s actually why we went to the hospital in the introduction. I’m glad you cared enough to ask, by the way…

One last thing:

Special thanks to Jessy Salinas who was the longest-winded and most eloquent of the 400, million, billion, gajillion responders that I had to last week’s question. Because she settled my query, she gets an honorable mention here (as opposed to being dishonored by being earlier on) and a free Pix Capacitor soon. Here is her answer in its entirety:

“Missouri was a slave states that stayed in the Union. So they were still considered part of the north. ”

Now I’m wondering whether I should ask a question every week. Would that be fun? I don’t know… I’ll get back to you on that.

| 2 Comments

Ind e-Pen II

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+2+++

Introduction:
===============
As an introduction to this, the second edition of future history (or past prophesy, whatever), I’ve decided to treat you to a magic trick: I say a number and you say the number that’s immediately after it, okay?
1094, _____, 1096, _____, 1098, _____, 2000… wait. Okay, I did that wrong, let’s start again, but let me do the odd numbers instead. Oh, and don’t leave me hanging with those underscores, actually write in the number, m’kay?
Enough of me talking, on to me writing. It’s more effective that way. Especially over the internet. Perhaps some issue, maybe a special edition, I’ll go all out and send you some typing. But for now, check this out:

Road Tripped:
What does a 500-pound gorilla do after driving 2000 miles across the US? Whatever he wants to. Now if you or I were in that situation we’d have to immediately write out our own little electronic viewsletter. Life just isn’t fair, is it Coppernicus? (I figured I’d name you before you came up with your own name. Hey, I didn’t get to do it with my parents, my brother, OR my roommate, you’re the last one I have left. It’s really the least you could do for me. And you don’t want to be selfish, now do you Coppernicky?)
Anyway, as I was saying, Coppernick, I just finished driving from Chaparral, New Mexico to Indiana, Pennsylvania (can you believe that there’s also a California, Pennsylvania? I feel like I just got gyped). For some reason I thought that it would be somewhat entertaining and interesting to drive up here. Besides, I wanted to be able to use my car up here. Isn’t it funny how things always sound like good ideas until you have to go through with them? I think that’s why people keep having kids.

The basic overview of the trip was as follows:
* Total miles covered: 1959.9
* Estimated time spent lost: 2 hours, 30 minutes.
* Miles traveled while lost: 154.
* Number of times stopped to put gas: 6. But only the tank was only empty twice.
* Estimated time spent buying munchies and pumping gas: 53 minutes.
* Number of times stopped to sleep: 1
* Estimated time spent asleep: 2 hours, 35 minutes.
* Estimated time spent driving: 29 hours, 45 minutes.
* Estimated name of reader: Copper
* Number of states my car stayed clean through: 0.
* State where a truck driver threw out a Pizza Hut personal pan pizza at my recently detailed car: New Mexico.
* States crossed: NM, TX, OK, KS, MO, IL, IN, OH, WV, PA
* Everyone in Kansas is a: jerk.
* Worst states to drive through: Kansas, Missouri, and Pennsylvania.
* Times swerving off the road because of sleepiness: priceless.

I would tell you (Copp) all about my super cool adventures across the country, but I spent most of the time listening to NPR and trying to memorize two love poems and 2000 bad words. Hey, they’re not going to memorize themselves. But now, C, I’m two hours into the future and I forsee nothing but good. At least until the next article.

%&%&%&%&%&%&%&%
This is a tornado warning. The area that you are in is under immediate danger. Do not stay in any small or enclosed areas. Refrain from using the telephone until further notice. And finally, please remember to not stick your tongue in any light sockets that you might find. Thank You.
&%&%&%&%&%&%&%&

The Omens:
I always thought that 2004 would be the year for me. Of course, I say that every year, so it’s not really surprising, but I figured that this year I should say it because it was ACTUALLY 2004, as opposed to all the previous years.
Now, since it’s barely January 32nd, I’m not in any position to judge how the year has been. Sometimes, though, life throws you these little clues that help you imagine how everything is going to turn out. And sometimes they aim these little clues a little below the belt.
You probably don’t believe in omens. In which case I recommend you stop reading this right now. If you do believe in them however, send me an e-mail, I have some land in Florida I might sell you…
Either way, a lot of little things have gone wrong so far, and it’s really spooking me out. First though, I should define an omen so that we’re all on the same subject:

1) It’s something that happens unnecessarily and is out of place. (Like walking through a nice warm garden of roses and seeing a six year old, pale, blonde girl turn her head 180 degrees and tell you that you’re stepping on her mommy.)
2) It’s something memorable that innately makes you pause and think. (Like the phrase, “nobody doesn’t know that they don’t know what they know, or think they think they know, you know?)
3) It’s something that exists and happens before a big event in your life. (Like noticing that there is no toilet paper too late.)
4) It’s something personal. For you or your group. (Like you’re pin number)
5) It’s something that has a purpose and makes you think that they know what’s going to happen. (Like the pale, blonde girl telling you your pin number as you notice that there is no toilet paper… You know?).

Okay, now let’s review all of my omens since Jan. 1:

* A bunny ran in front of my car.
* I swerved, avoided hitting the bunny, and ran over some bunny slippers.
* The slippers were being worn by a man.
* I tried to drive away to avoid the punishment, but the man took down my license plates.
* He was a police officer.
* As I was driving away I ran over the bunny that I had innately swerved to avoid.

Actually, only the first and last ones are true. The rest are just filler. Another thing about omens: you can’t explain what made them omens unless the other person considers them omens already. At least that’s the way it is for me… right now.
So essentially, I just sucked the content out of this piece. I’m like Metallica and the record industry. Just trust me, though, that I really Have seen a lot of evil omens this year. I think it’s a good sign.

One last thing:
I’ve been wondering this for three days now: was Missouri a good guy or a bad guy during the Civil War? If anyone can answer me that I’ll… umm… mail you a free Pix Capacitor? And mention you next week. Okay. Thanks. Bye.

| No Comments

Ind e-Pen I

Introduction:
===============
Welcome to the first edition of the Ind. e-Pen (punny, yeah, I know). If you’re wondering just what the Ind. e-Pen is, let me explain: it’s some sort of thing. Really. I mean, probably.
[1] Basically, it’s a weekly e-mail that you’ll receive unless you specifically request otherwise. [2] In it, I will probably talk about things that I’ve recently thought, done, or thought about doing. [3] I might even throw in some added information about my other publication: the Pix Capacitor! [4] Just think of it as the electronic version of Reader’s Digest.
And now, on to future history!

Discussion Question:
28) The writer here wants to reorganize the second paragraph to make fun of the fact that he has received Reader’s Digest for four years without ever knowingly paying them. Should he put sentence [4] after sentence [1]? I think so.

Tour Guide:
An interesting thing that I’ve learned in my travels through Mexico (pronounced Meh-hee-koh Sit-ee): that the country really enjoys classical conditioning. If you’ve never taken psychology, let me give you the quick 411 on classical conditioning: BAH! (Note: this works much better with e-mails on tape).
The point is that you come to associate something neutral (in this case reading or listening to an e-mail) with something spooky (me talking). After enough repetitions, you would come to be afraid of the e-mail itself. I know, it happens to me all the time.
Mexico knows this. It also knows that most humans like to drive fast. So it asked itself (trust me, I’m an expert. I took like two years of psychology of countries in high school) what drivers hate most. As it asked itself this, its car went over a bump and it spilled hot coffee all over its private regions (countries can have private regions too!).
After it sued McDonald’s (it lost. It turns out that it was drinking Folgers), it realized that people hate speed bumps. So it spent about 90% of Mexico’s transportation budget on installing speed bumps in the most inappropriate places (such as after traffic lights, the interstate, and the fast lane… you think I’m kidding).
But how would it ever spend the other 25% of its budget? (Yeah, don’t ever trust Mexico with your money. It’s why I don’t pay taxes there). This was when some genius came up with the absolute worst advance in driving since the sidewalk: color-coding the speed bumps.
Here is where classical conditioning comes in: Mexico decided to color its speed bumps in the exact same pattern as its crosswalks (I suppose that it’s because both zones theoretically should cause cars to slow down) This worked excellently for Mexico, terribly for Mexicans, and so-so for Mexican’ts.
Then Mexico decided to go a step further: pointless crosswalks. If you’ve never driven through Mexico, you can’t possibly understand the fear that one feels upon seeing the familiar yellow, white, yellow of speed bumps and crosswalks and random spots on the road. You never know when you really should slow down, and you always mess up at least twice per trip. It’s really quite annoying.
Perhaps next time I’ll explain about how cops turn OFF their lights to pull you over. Or how, when the traffic lights go out, everybody treats it as a green light. Or maybe even about how, during rush hour, the traffic moves slower than most tectonic plates…

True Highway Signs Spotted in Mexico:
“The left lane is for passing only”
“The shoulder is for emergencies only”
“Do not pass on the shoulder”

“Obey the signs”
“Respect the signs”
“Do not damage the signs”

New Year:
It could have been a disaster. Everything could have turned out horrible. I mean, just think about it: we could have been left without wine and grapes for New Year’s! Yeah, I live a fun-filled life.
It’s a age-old tradition to eat twelve grapes (one for every month) and drink wine (one glass for every stomach) at 12 AM on Jan. 1. The idea is that you make a wish with each grape. I don’t exactly know how this became a tradition, I’m guessing it’s a grape company conspiracy — assuming there ARE grape companies — and that my age-old ancestors liked alcohol. Not in any dangerous way mind you, they probably bought their alcohol legally.
That’s why my dad was shocked when his brother told him that no one was taking any wine this year because nobody in the family drank. Unbeknownst to my poor sober father, his brother was involved in a two-person conspiracy to dry up new years (or is that enough people to be a coup d’ état?).
It seems that my family is divided into two groups: super-christians and winos. I might be generalizing here a bit. And to be fair, I don’t think any of the drunks made it to the party, but that’s a different story. This one is about grapes.
Eventually, the more… traditional minded… of our relatives realized that there was no alcohol to celebrate the New Year. So they went and bought some wine for us. Now all we needed was grapes.
What kind of a new year would this be without a silly superstion? But just where would we find grapes for 42 cousins? I only counted 36, but hey, since when have I ever been right
Pop Quiz: 42 x 12 = 503.5
Yikes. Where would we find 504.25 grapes in four hours? The answer was nowhere. Sure, there was an uncle nearby that always had half a thousand grapes in his living room, but he still owed us the sugar that we’re sure he borrowed in 1978, so we couldn’t ask him, right?
Let’s skip ahead to midnight. By now, everyone had wine and, you guessed it, ten raisins and two nuts. Everyone except for me, that is. I had 18 raisins. I live by a different calendar. Also, it turns out that there was never 42 cousins. I had just made up the number 42 at some random point in the night. Someday perhaps I’ll tell everyone what happened… Maybe next year. I want to see what kind of an omen late wine, raisins, and nuts are. Probably something humorous. Like potpourri.

Schedule
Just in case you’re wondering just when you’ll receive these e-mails, I’ve composed this nifty little list. With the exception of this and next week, they’ll all be on Saturdays (lovely way to start the new year, eh?).

IeP Schedule:
1 1/5
2 1/11
3 1/17
4 1/24
5 1/31
6 2/7
7 2/14
8 2/21
9 2/28
10 3/6
11 3/13
12 3/20
13 3/27
14 4/3
15 4/10
16 4/17
17 4/24
18 5/1
19 5/8
20 5/15
21 5/22
22 5/29 Ooh, my birthday!
23 6/5
24 6/12
25 6/19
26 6/26
27 7/3
28 7/10
29 7/17
30 7/24
31 7/31
32 8/7
33 8/14
34 8/21
35 8/28
36 9/4
37 9/11
38 9/18
39 9/25
40 10/2
41 10/9
42 10/16
43 10/23
44 10/30
45 11/6
46 11/13
47 11/20
48 11/27
49 12/4
50 12/11
51 12/18
52 12/25

Do not reply to this message.
reply to that one.

| No Comments