Ind e-Pen V

By Pixel at January 31, 2004 at 7:25 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1++BT+5+++

Introduction:
===============

Snood. Snood. Snood. I’m not going to tell you about snood. Snood is bad. Snood is the reason I almost didn’t write this issue. It’s more addictive than nicotine, cocaine, alcohol, and porn put together. It’s… well… a game of aim. And I’m not going to tell you to go to www.snood.com to download it. You’ll get addicted. First you’ll think, “how hard could this possibly be?” Then you’ll be hooked. So don’t download it, don’t see it, and above all, don’t play it. But you will. You all will. Just like I did. And, just like I did, you’ll wish you hadn’t. *sigh* Stupid addictions. Oh, yeah, here’s your viewsletter:

Ten Paces at nine,

I’m stuck in my room right now. If I leave, I run the potential of getting shot by my neighbor, Kyle. See, at some point during the day, I sort of got into a rubber-band fight with my two neighbors across the hall. It wasn’t a fair fight, though. I mean, first of all, I was never good at shooting rubber bands at people. I was equally likely to hit my own fingers as other people. Plus, it was just me against two people. Oh, and did I mention that I didn’t have any rubber bands?

So basically, two random guys just ganged up on me and started shooting rubber bands at me. It sort of reminded me of Middle School… or my high school drama club.

After the initial burst of fighting, the manly part of my conscience yelled to stop cowering in fear and stand up to my adversaries. So, at the whim of my momentary overdose of testosterone, I hid myself in my room and locked the door behind me. I was quite safe for about a minute before Kyle asked to be let in to work out a truce.

Kyle, being the expert negotiator he is, came in and declared that if anyone stepped outside of the hall, then the “122 Bandits” would shoot that person. In turn, I told him that if He stepped out of his room, the “111 Assassins” would attack Him.

Okay, maybe the 111 assassin. My roommate wasn’t too into the idea. Plus he didn’t want the “111″ in it because he figured it would involve him too much. So I was the “assassin,” but that’s okay… never mind that they pointed out that the word assassin has two ‘ass’es and an ‘in’ in it. Whatever. Hey, I was in the moment, you can’t blame me for that.

That was about when he offered to duel me for my room rights. We stand back to back, walk ten paces, then turn around and shoot. Just like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Or maybe not exactly like them. Because in Rubber Band Shoot Outs, ten paces is too many. And we didn’t reach. So we started over, with five paces instead. This time somebody did win. Me.

Yeah, that’s why I’m stuck in my room right now. Right.

So I lost my hallway priveleges for the night, but I’ll get them back tomorrow. You watch. I will…

Advice…

People have died because they didn’t follow my advice. Like when I suggested that my friend quit smoking? Then, because she was out smoking, she got runover by a rampant bread truck.

Thoughts on Pennsylvania…

You know what surprises me about this place? How few snowball fights there are. I mean, where I’m from we have cactus, rock, and glob of dirt fights all the time… it’s usually just me against the Lovett law firm building, but at least I work up a sweat.

Thoughts on the Presidential Primary

I’ve got nothing… with the possible exception that I’m tired of hearing Dean’s concession speech. It’s being played out more than 9/11 now. Jeez.

One last thing:

Okay, there was a small problem with last week’s question. See, I personally thought that one guy would win (because my roommate has everything but a daily calendar about him. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for John Kerry and Starlit C. Hill), some other guy won. I forget his name. In any case, I accidentally sent out two prizes to two people instead of one. I apologize, this mistake will not happen again (unless it does). But anyway, congratulations to Starlit, your issue is on its way, and sorry about the constant berating over your political views.

Last Week’s Question: Who’s going to win the New Hampshire Caucus?

“Starlit’s Answer: John Kerry”

This Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday? Should I go see him?

Last Year: Ow
| 8 Comments

---