A Pixelated Mind

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
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Everyone has had to deal with “crunch-time” at some point in their lives. Yes, even Shaquile O’Neil. Well, this last week I thought I had it bad. One test, One midterm portfolio, and one Pix Capacitor, all due the same day. Then I ran into this girl who had three midterm tests the same day… plus a pregnancy scare… plus her mother was in the hospital… after trying to kill her father… because she realized he was sleeping with other men on their bed… Well, probably. She just told me about the three tests. Still, the point is that there’s always someone worse. I mean, I have to write e-mails every week, but it could be worse. I mean, I could have to READ them.

Bowling, bowling, bowling, Monkey!

My neighbor invited me bowling yesterday. I agreed and began bragging about what an excellent bowler I was. I mean, I don’t want to sound conceited, but I did take a semester of bowling and, well, I can break 100 almost every game now… Anyway, my first clue should have been that my neighbor had his own pair of bowling shoes and six bowling balls (yes six). But I totally didn’t clue in on that, saying, “I hope you practice with those bowling balls!” He replied that he hadn’t recently, but he’d make do. I felt like the king of bowling…

We arrived at the bowling alley and everyone was all like, “Hey, Striker!” Which shocked me. I mean, I’d never been there before, how could they have already heard of me? It was even weirder because I’d never been called “Striker” outside of baseball. Hmm…

So we started bowling, and I knocked down eight pins on the first frame. I felt so cool… my neighbor knocked down 8 too, then he picked up the spare. He had some interesting “spinning” action with his ball. It was cool, but too show-offey for me, and I told him that, giving him some pointers on how he should throw the ball. He smiled at me and said, “you’re up.” I replied that his cockamamie attitude wouldn’t get him very far in the world. Then I told him to watch me work my magic– only to knock down one lonesome pin.

He did much better on the second frame… and from frame 3 to frame 9 he had nothing but strikes. He had a strike and a spare on the last frame too. I, on the other hand, had a more respectable total of 91. Not much compared to his 255, but I was barely warming up. And by game two, the ratio was getting better for me. I went all the way up to 120, he came all the way down to 208. By now I had stopped mocking his spinning technique. Apparently it worked for him.

I won’t bother telling you about game three, but I barely halved my total and my neighbor went up to 245… bringing his series (or something) up to 708. It’s safe to say that someone went home crying… Oh, well, nothing they hadn’t seen before, surely. Next time I’ll challenge him at something that I’m good at. Like baseball.

Hypnosisize

I’ve decided to teach myself to hypnotize people. Ordinarily I’d look online, but everything I found required me to buy a book or video or something. I can’t afford that. I can barely afford to go online. I’m just glad it’s my roommate’s computer and internet connection. Anyway, I’ve decided to just experiment with people, try to get them asleep, then start talking to them. That’s what hypnosis is, right?

Unfortunately, everyone I know either takes too long to fall asleep or too little. So I figure if I just conk them on the head hard enough (but not too hard) I could get them under my spell. Really, how hard can it be? I’ve already got a volunteer, too. I’m going to make her think she’s a chicken (so that I can call her ‘chick’ legally). It’s going to be Grrreat! More later (of course it’ll be about something else).

One last thing:

I knew I shouldn’t ask any questions that had no possibility of being answered wrong– Oh, well. Congratulations on being first to answer to my Kansas-residing friend, Dorothy. Err, Tai. Wait. Jess. Yeah, she gets a free Pix Capacitor this fortnight. Oh, and before I forget, next week’s issue is going to be a little late. I have something special lined up– and it’s not sugar piles this time.

Last Week’s Question: Should I be scared or just confused?

Her Answer: -get crackin’ on yer stuff cos there’s no time to be scared or well, maybe confused…

This Week’s Question: What is Jim Carrey’s best movie? There can only be one of two right answers for this. Okay, three if you throw in one of his serious ones.

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
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So my teacher wants me to submit some writing to this annual magazine. Something about a New Growth Arts Review. I ignored it, as always. I’m not good at writing fiction, or poetry, or creative nonfiction and the like.

But then my R.A. (Reasonable Advice) wanted me to submit something to some new viewspaper that was going to be distributed all over the dorm(s). Something about a Tri-Halls Tribune. That one seemed a little unstable. In the kind of way that made me feel that if I didn’t submit anything, nothing would be submitted and the paper would flop. Well, I didn’t want to get associated with a failure like that, so I ignored that one, too…
Then the girl across the hall, who just happens to edit the school newspaper, asked me, upon hearing that my major was Journalism, if I wanted to work for them. I was intrigued. Major newspaper work? That might be fun. Wait…

“Would I have to do any research or publish anything that’s true or anything?” I asked.
She inquired what kind of a journalist I was.

“Not a very good one, obviously.” I quipped.

Oh, well. One of these days my break will come… I’ve just got to keep my eyes open for opportunities, you know?

Pressure Mounting…

Things that I have to do next week: Read ten poems, write a one page review on them, choose my favorite three, and write one paragraph as to why. Read and understand a chapter in the worst translation of the Odyssey known to man. Take a midterm over six textbook chapters I haven’t read yet. Turn in ten pages of stories that I haven’t yet written. Finish eight pages of a Pix Capacitor I haven’t started. Choose, memorize, interpret, and perform a poem for a crowd of 5,000. Oh, and go to a two-hour speech and write a review on that…
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. It’s just the kind of fun that would make a normal person get started on their work, isn’t it? If anything, THIS is the e-mail where I should just find something I’ve written before and mail it off as new. But I’m not. Why? Because I like pressure. It makes me laugh, cry, and sleep. Some of the best times in my life were when I was the most miserable.
Either way, I can’t write much right now. I hope you’ll forgive me. See you next week, with way more stories…

One last thing:
Two wrong answers this week. And just when I thought that nobody was going to do any research whatsoever, someone came back and surprised me. Mayra Valadez wins the prize this week. However, in preparation to next week, I felt I’d let you see all the answers that I received:

Last Week’s Question: Which president of the United States was in office for the least amount of time? Why?

Wrong Answer #1: don’t remember the name, but wasn’t it the president that [was] impeached, not clinton, the other one?
Wrong Answer #2: president william howard taft, the collapse in the dentist’s office

Right Answer: it was William Henry Harrison who died of pneumonia for giving his inauguration speech in the pouring rain. Idiot. Figures.

Follow up to Wrong Answer #1: close enough for me

Follow up to Wrong Answer #2: LOOK BUDDY I THINK I WOULD KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT OUR COUNTRY, I SPENT SIX YEARS IN A [CONCENTRATION] CAMP. AND NO I NEVER STUDIED OUR GREAT COUNTRY’S HISTORY DURING THE TIME I WAS THERE, HOWEVER I DID SLEEP ON THE FLOOR HALF THE NIGHT… IT WASN’T FUN. SO DUDE BEFORE YOU GO OFF THINKING LIKE OH, HEY, LOOK AT ME, I KNOW THE HISTORY OF [OUR] COUNTRY. I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE SIX YEARS I SPENT IN KINDERGARTEN. YEAH MAYBE TAFF WASN’T THE MAN YOU WERE LOOKING FOR BUT HEY, WAS HE NOT THE FIRST BLACK MAN IN OFFICE, WAS HE NOT THE SAME MAN THE FREED JFK FROM THE BURNING INFERNO? SO MAYBE HE DID IN FACT DIE 22 YEARS AFTER HIS TIME IN OFFICE, BUT TO GUYS LIKE YOU AND ME WHO’S REALLY COUNTING? JUST WHAT’S ON YOUR HEART, YES DANIEL YOU WERE RIGHT, AND I WAS WRONG. AND THEN I’LL SAY “WELL MR.C IT’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, QUICK THAT MAN’S ON FIRE!!!!”

This Week’s Question: Should I be scared or just confused? … and if anyone says, “ha, was that what she said when she saw you naked?” I’ll scream.

Facts about William Henry Harrison:

1. He was the first of two presidents named Harrison.
2. He was Benjamin Harrison’s Grandfather.
3. He was the first of three presidents named William.
4. He was the only president that was born in the same county as vice president.
5. He was the president with the largest number of children before he was inaugurated.
6. He was the only president who had ten children.
7. He was the only president who studied medicine.
8. He was the first president who was a professional soldier.
9. He was the only president who served as territorial governor.
10. He was the only president who served as minister of Colombia.
11. He was the first president from the Whig presidential party.
12. He served the shortest term of any president.
13. He was the first president who served less than one term.
14. He was the first president to represent Ohio.
15. He was the oldest president at inaugeration.
16. He held the longest inaugural address (8441 words.)
17. He was the first president who made no changes in his cabinet.
18. He was the first president to die in office.
19. He was the first president to die in White House.

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
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You know why I love VD? Because of the way it makes people act. It makes them so happy… except for the ones that just get bitter. But VD is upon us. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is here. And whether you have a valentine or claim to be against the holiday on principle, you’ve at least got to admit that it’s on a saturday this year and as such I have to comment on it. Well sucks to that. I don’t feel like it. I’m surrounded by hearts and flowers and cards and every shade of red available in the lower 48 states. Plus, I just had an entire conversation with a packet of single-tracked conversation hearts– which is blatant false advertisement! They don’t leave you Any lee-way into conversing– but enough about VD, I’m not talking about it right now. Now I’m talking about…

…FRIENDS

When last we left them, Phoebe was getting married to a guy I didn’t know, but who seemed to be rather important to the later episodes. What’s the deal with Friends, you ask? Well, it’s simple. According to Smarter Child, a Friend is “a member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.” Which is why I thought it was strange that Phoebe was getting married to this guy. I mean, he was quite obviously a Lutheran.
But I wouldn’t know, I was too busy to catch most of the last six seasons. I mean, with puberty and gym class, girls and bullies, and pubescent girl bullies in gym class, I just didn’t have the time. So I decided to find out just how the series had gone. First I had to see the first season (because, it turns out that I was watching Muppet Babies for most of the first and second seasons– this isn’t as sad as it seems. I was only 16 at the time). So I went to Wally World (Wal-Mart to the layman) and found the entire first season of “Friends” for only $30. I was quite happy with my purchase.
Then I realized that it wasn’t enough to have the DVDs, I had to watch them to find out what I needed to know about the series. How’s that for a plot twist?
So I’ve been putting off work, ignoring Snood, and kicking my friends recently. Not so that I could have time to watch Friends, just because I’m an ass.
As for the Friends DVD, I finished watching the last four hours on Friday night. I didn’t find out anything about why Phoebe married a Lutheran, but I think I’m getting closer to finding out who the father of Rachel’s baby is.

V-D
First, I was happy that VD was coming. Then I was ticked, sad, mad, and irritated. Now I’m both. You know, I’ve always said that everybody should just ignore Valentine’s Day altogether, but does anyone ever listen? Nooooooo… You know, people have died from not following my advice– not as many as have died from following it, but still.
I did have a Valentine this year, and I was quite happy, then she left– on Thursday– to go spend the weekend with her ex-boyfriend. Whatever.
But whether you’re the one that’s in love or the one who’s messing with the one who is in love, there are still dozens of ways of having fun on Valentine’s Day. Do what I do.
Pick someone and go out of your way to depress them. It can’t be just anyone, though. It has to be the right person. You can’t make depressed people sadder, that’s just too easy. It also can’t be a happy person, because that’s just wrong.
I recommend depressing someone who’s in love, because while it may be wrong, it’s still funny. Especially when they start talking to their loved one and are completely happy– then you slowly start depressing them. I recommend playing sad music constantly while they’re Instant Messaging each other over the internet– It’s what I do to my roommate.

“Coming Soon” Studies of the Roommate Psyche…

One last thing:
This week was another one of those trick weeks, where I mailed everyone who responded (with the possible exception of any people in the Philippines) a free Pix Capacitor. I wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for the fact that nobody read my mind and answered the exact right answers. In any case, congrats to Jcak Nagel (yeah, that’s how you spell it) and David I! Montes. Also, Miranda Bruner, but she doesn’t get anything because I’m boycotting her country.

Last Week’s Question: Is this a rhetorical question?
Correct Answer #1: No.
Correct Answer #2: …

This Week’s Question: Which president of the United States was in office for the least amount of time? Why?

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction:
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I don’t very often feel like writing real viewsletters, do I? There’s a reason for this. See, on Friday the Thirteenth, this little paper called the Pix Capacitor needs to be finished. Thus, if I take all of the time I spend writing this and dedicate it to playing Snood, I can get THAT out of the way and then maybe I’ll be able to get started on my homework or something… in the meantime, the Pix Capacitor should write itself, it’s almost two years old now, anyway. It can do it. Right? Oh, well. Anyway, here we have a previously unpublished horoscope section. I hope you enjoy it, it’s the first, last, and only time this will see the light of day… or your desk lamp. Whatever.

Aries (3/20 – 4/20): *****
A great time will be had by both you and your friends as you discover that the secret to happiness was inside you all along. It was right next to your potential and hidden behind the overwhelming bad feeling in your stomach.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/21): *****
Twice you have been asked to cease what you are doing and try to become a better person, and twice you have refused and gone along being the same ol’ icky you. But it’s okay, when the army of evil clones comes along, you’ll be the only one left– cowering in one corner.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): *****
A great horoscope will leave you feeling pleasant and happy for an entire fortnight. Then, through some mad twist of fate, you will have a horrible week. I blame the Las Cruces Sun News’ bad, bad horoscopes for that.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): *****
Wow, I just realized that the school newspaper doesn’t do horoscopes. I wonder why that is? Also, they don’t seem to have an advice column. Or a word search– although they do have comics and movie times. Grr. Oh, yeah, sorry. I totally forgot that this was your horoscope.
Tonight: you will be forgotten by someone really cool. Trust us on this. We know…

Leo (7/22 – 8/23): *****
A chalkboard will squeak, a mirror will break, a ladder will fall, and throughout it all, you will be there to laugh at it. Unless, of course, you’re not the person that I am here assuming you are. Namely Nathaniel Hawthorne (who was a Taurus). See? Natty boy would have laughed at that one…

Virgo (8/23 – 9/23): *****
A blatant misteak will catch your ‘I’ this phortnite when you realize that some1 you thot pade attenshun to detales acshooaly does not. Then, you will read your horoscope, find a lot of mistakes in that, and feel like a big man.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23): *****
As you notice that everyone seems to be having five star (or whatever we use to tally good days) days, you will realize that not everybody can possibly have good days at the exact same time. Then, you will go out of your way to hurt someone else so that they have a bad day.
Tonight: hiding in a corner of a bathroom in a shoe store.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/22): **
Listening to a Spanish pop group will leave you wishing you had groupies this fortnight, when you realize that you, in fact, do not have oodles and oodles of admirers as you had once believed. That bites. You should get more admirers. I think they sell them on eBay for fifty cents.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): negative **
Money will be of vast importance to you this fortnight, when you realize that there is no good way to tally up happiness like there is with tallying up money. That will prove to be a great realization, only you will not be able to publish that because you do not have enough money to do so. I love vicious regressing cycles, don’t you?

Capricorn (12/21 – 1/21): ***
A man who is two times your age will outperform you in everything you had once thought that you were good at. But alas, don’t despair, you were never really good at those things either. Oh, well.

Aquarius (1/21 – 2/19): negative *
Happiness will evade you this fortnight as you realize that something you had thought you had concealed fairly well ends up coming out and biting you in the bottom. That’s right. The centipede that you had hid in your brother’s boxers will come back for you.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): *
A great lack will leave you missing something this fortnight you when you realize that you do not, in fact possess the fountain of youth. Your fountain was just Youth’s older brother’s fountain: Adulthood.
Oh, well.

One last thing:
Two weeks ago, I accidentally gave both my responders a prize for their responses. I figured that if I mentioned it, all of the opportunistic people would start responding. Boy, was I proved wrong. Still though, there were almost three times more responders last week than the week before. I wonder why. On that note, congrats to Margret A. Casmus with her quick, but somehow also correct, answer.

Last Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday?
Maggie’s Answer: “John Kerry”
… sorry, I mean, “yes”

This Week’s Question: Is this a rhetorical question? (There are two right answers, I’ll give props to the person that gets both)