Ind e-Pen X

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+10+++Introduction:
===============
I have an excellent explanation for the lateness of this e-
Mail. It’s a great explanation. Not like last week when I
Had nothing better to say than, “my prostate just exploded.”
Okay, so that turned out to be a lie, but now I’ve really
Made up something great. So great, in fact, that if I
Even STARTED to explain it to you my head would explode. And now, on to my e-mail:

An adventure to lift your spirits.

Picture this: it’s last Friday, and I’m still angry at what I accidentally did last Thursday

(accidentally singing the Nations of the World to a coffee shop, then asking a cute girl for her

number and having her give me the Mayo Clinic’s 24 hr. hotline instead) To cure my self-hatred, I decide to drive to Wal-Mart (the New Mexican alternative to therapy. Interestingly, it’s just as effective).

I buy myself some Spongebob Squarepants socks (note: this is a blatant lie to make myself seem dorkier than I really am. What I actually bought was Spongebob Squarepants boxer-briefs) and drive back to my dorm to console myself in nautical nonsense. Unfortunately there is no parking available, so I just park in the 24-hr. tow-away zone. I figure I’ll move my car in the morning.

I’ll refrain from talking about the next day here, but let me just give you some all-around,

probably unrelated advice: Never ask out a girl you run into in a gay rights rally… you think I’m

kidding.
It wasn’t until Sunday that I had the time to move my car. Which, if you haven’t guessed it by

now, wasn’t there. Somehow, it had been towed away during the 48 hours in which I wasn’t watching it. It took me two hours and $60 to get it back, and all the time I wondered why I had to.
What if I figured out where my car was and I broke in and stole it back. What would happen? Could they really arrest me for stealing MY Own Private Property? And the breaking an entering thing? Aren’t I justified if I’m getting my own stuff back? Isn’t that fair? Oh, well. I’m just ticked. Don’t worry about me, though, I’ve got a porous, yellow, and absorbent cartoon character to console me.

Ooh, a window Seat!

So I recently rode in a plane, right? Here, I will skip discussing the 3 hour wait to get INSIDE

the airport. Because what if, in discussing it, I accidentally release some information that might

help potential terrorists? We can’t afford that! Our country is already in Code Pink, right? Code Periwinkle? Code Off-White? Code Fool’s Gold? Code Robin’s Egg Blue? Code Macaroni & Cheese? Code Mahogany? I could go on with this. I’m in Crayola’s website right now (www.crayolacrayonssuck.com)
Anyway, I ended up getting on the last surviving plane from the 1922 World’s Fair. A plane that was so unsturdy and short that it didn’t reach the gate. A plane that was so bad, there were medical release forms available in the cabin (which was conveniently hidden behind rubber ducky shower-curtains). It was okay, though, because I had a window seat, or so I was told. This was one of those planes where there’s approximately one-third of a window for every seat. Indeed, my seat was more of a wall-seat. Maybe a shell-seat. But it’s okay. It could have been worse. I could have had to sit next to the wing(s) or propeller… That would have been bad.

One last thing:
Congratulations, yet again, to Starlit C. Hill for being the first to answer last week’s question.

She gets a free Pix Capacitor for her troubles (don’t you just love how I advertize it like it’s

something desirable? Ha ha! I’m good).

Last Week’s Question: What is Jim Carrey’s best movie?
Acceptable Answers: Dumb & Dumber, Liar Liar, Ace Ventura, Bruce Almighty, The Majestic, The Truman Show, and Me, Myself, & Irene.
Unacceptable Answers: Once Bitten, Earth Girls are Easy, The Mask, Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls, Batman Forever, and the Cable Guy.

This Week’s Question: According to the Introduction, what’s my excuse for being late and where am I?

If you don’t know, look at it again.

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