Ind e-Pen XXVI

By Pixel at June 27, 2004 at 3:06 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+26+++

Introduction

==============

Eh-o. Half the year is gone. You know what that means: I’m a pessimist. Yup. I didn’t say, “We still have half of the year left,” or “the year is half-full.” Damn. Well, that’s fine with me. I won’t be classified by your petty stereotypes. I say what I want to say. 180 days have faded into oblivion and I’m happy, damn it!

Groups.

In order to celebrate this half-way point, I have decided to make the IeP into a Yahoo! Group (which seems like I’m demoting it, but really I’m just abusing Yahoo’s free service for my own benefit). This thinly veiled laziness comes with the addition of yet another e-mail address to the list, which makes me that much more afraid that I’ll be called SPAM by the Cyber Cops.

However, in order to become a real group, I had to classify the IndePen under the MAN’S categories. Check them out. Guess which one I picked:

Business & Finance

Computers & Internet

Cultures & Community

Entertainment & Arts

Family & Home

Games

Government & Politics

Health & Wellness

Hobbies & Crafts

Music

Recreation & Sports

Regional

Religion & Beliefs

Romance & Relationships

Schools & Education

Science

The obvious choice would be “Entertainment & Arts,” seeing as I send out all of my best artwork through this medium =(^-^)= But would I really choose the obvious choice? Obviously not.

Next, you might imagine that I would go for something totally off the wall like “Religion & Beliefs,” “Romance & Relationships,” or “Government & Politics.” But then they make you choose from these hideously long subcategories and I rapidly lost my patience. So what then, do you ask, did I choose?

Well, I figured that if I hated long categories, so did everyone else (this is the same logic that led to my dressing up as Santa Claus during high school). Therefore, if I could only find the shortest series of categories, everyone would be happy and we’d all learn to adjust.

Thus, hopefully next week a Yahoo Group will send out this e-mail under the “Games > Other” category. Which basically means that now we have to start doing game reviews like “Hopscotch: Too gay or not gay enough?” and “Is your son summoning evil spirits while he sleeps??” I think it’ll be a nice change, don’t you?

Actually, come to think of it. I dressed up as Santa Claus twice.

Freelancing

Last week, I inteviewed for a luxurious position at a major metropolitain newspaper. I didn’t get the job, but I didn’t really expect to. I mean, I had just found out what a Graphic Designer WAS the day before the interview. Really, it was just a hyped up excuse to give a high ranking geek (and he was a geek) a Pix Capacitor.

Interestingly, though, this led me down a train of thought that had stops in Brokesville, Concernland, and Panic City. How am I surviving? I mean honestly. I have no job, no regular income, I actually Lose money from my side business. There has got to be a way for me to cash in on my abilities (you know, the ability to stick to walls and make asinine comments to evil doers before a major battle scene).

This was when a friend of mine suggested that I do some Freelance work. It seemed like a great idea. I mean, Spiderman did it right? And just look at how He was rolling in cash. By the way, Spiderman is full of it.

Anyone that’s ever tried developing pictures or sewing a Spiderman costume knows that there is No way Anybody could do everything he does and still maintain a good GPA, make his webshooters, and catch criminals! Grr… It’s so irritating … So yeah, I’m going to see Spiderman 2 on opening day.

Anyway, it turns out that doing Freelance anything is a full-time job. I spent a few hours yesterday looking up places that accepted unsolicited articles or stories. Apart from most of them being topic specific (which means that I have to actually write something), they were ridiculously competitive (which means that if I were rejected, and I probably would be, I would have an article ready for publication in Nothing Else at All), and paid ungodly tiny amounts of money (like $5 for 2000 words. Honestly).

Now, a lot of you are probably like, “Hey, a chance at having something un-worthwhile and tiny is better than no chance at all.” Well, all I have to say is, Do you talk to your wife like that?

No, I’d rather go with my previous plan of selling out, I mean taking corporate America’s money. Come September, when my website and 5 year collection of viewspapers comes out, I’ll begin courting businesses (”Marry me Hastings!”) for donations and advertisements. But in the mean time… do you need any freelance work?

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to Nikki Soohy, who won last week’s quiz with her simple, yet entertaining answers. Good job. She’ll get another Pix Capacitor around July 10.

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Should I keep using three questions, or come up with a new device?

2: Does this question work best second, or should I switch it around?

3: Is that Mustard gas that I inhaled going to hurt me or just give me super powers?

Her Answers:

1: Yes

2: No

3: Yes

This Week’s Questions:

1: Will being classified as another type of game affect this e-mail?

2: Do you think that I really Did dress up as Santa Claus twice? Possibly once the last day of the Fall semester my Freshman year and once for Horror Day during our school’s Spirit Week?

3: Will You pay me for a Free lance job?

Bonus: Does this question work best second, or should I switch it around?

To be removed from this list, write to Gabe’s cousin, Dave G. Beaver.

| 2 Comments

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Ind e-Pen XXVb

By Pixel at June 20, 2004 at 2:35 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+25+++

Introduction

==============

Hey! Yahoo just boosted my e-mail free space to 100 MegaBytes! You know what this means, don’t you?
That I’m going to stop deleting your e-mails as soon as I get them?
Nope.
That I’m going to get Dilbert comics delivered to me every day?
You’re getting warmer…

That I’m going to jump around in my underwear and yell “whoooop!”?
Exactly! How ever did you guess? And now, on to the e-mail:

Small Decisions…

It’s the details that trip you up. I realized this a long time ago, but it never quite sunk in until yesterday at 4 a.m. See, I was debating which font to use for my two new columns (Consumer Reports & Dummy’s Guide). Should I stick with Century Schoolbook (that works well enough, but is lame), should I go with Maiandra (which is excellent for Rambling and Mildly Illegal Activities, but has more of an edge to it), or should I try something new?

It’s always the little things. Like, if I’m expanding everything and making the fonts bigger, should the columns that are confined get more space? Or, if I should be writing this or the Pix Capacitor, should I keep reading Spiderman comics or play Commandos 2 some more?

It’s the little details that trip you up with their deceptive unimportance. I mean, who cares what the font is? No one. But it matters if it reads differently. There’s probably a similar argument for the comic/Commandos dilemma, but I won’t bother making it up. Instead, more examples of little details.

Should I be cremated or buried under the floorboards of my first girlfriend’s bedroom without her knowledge (that’s much funnier if you understood just how neurotic she was. It was like Martha Stewart on Conan O’Brien everytime we hung out, I swear… Okay, THAT’S much funnier if you understand just how analogous the situation is and have seen her on Conan… and THAT’S much funnier if you take it the wrong way… and THAT’S much funnier if you actually have seen that).

Should I spend my last ten dollars on gas to get home, or should I follow that cute girl into Raising Helen? Should I sing the Nations of the World on Karaoke or dance the Macarena?

Should I dedicate my life to writing, or just really try for the lottery thing? Should I get my dad a Father’s Day present, or just take his money and say bye? Should I shave anti-Semitic messages into my head, or just cough up the five dollars and admit I don’t have the guts?

Should I do another keg stand or drive the pregnant woman and her two sons home? Should I rig my house with explosives or take out the insurance policy first? Should I steal $45,000 from a local movie theatre, or just suck it up and admit that I never deserved a job their anyway?

Should I lie my way out of another argument or claim that I have never lied a day in my life? Should I keep taking my vegetarian multiple vitamins or should I just kill a cow and drink its blood for the nutrients?

As you can see, my life is filled with these little questions. Stupid things that I needn’t worry about, but their very triviality is what makes me harp on them. Should I end this article now, or should I come up with a less obvious looking escape hatch?

…Speaking of which, a new Pix Capacitor is out today. I wouldn’t advertise it, except that I’m really proud of this issue. Ten pages of awesomeness (well, two articles suck, but whatever…), who wouldn’t like it?

Oh, and screw the UPS store. I need to find a better way of making copies…

On a related note: WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A WEBSITE EXCEPT FOR ME??? (hmm, sorry, my caps lock was on. So was my scroll lock, but nobody really cares, I guess.)

Ooh, a Link!

http://www.emogame.com/bushgame.html

Check it out. Playing as Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Christopher Reeve, and Howard Stern? How could you go wrong??

I’m posting this mostly because it’s cool and fun, but also because it’s interesting and educational. Okay, actually, just to piss off my friend Butt who said “I beleive the worst thing you could do for a non-zombie would be to vote John Kerry into office. It would effect all of us negatively.”

Of course, immediately after that he said “Also, if you could get Sandy to take pics of the girls while they are in that bathroom, that would be great.”

But yeah, politics… Screw that. I’m staying out of them, I’m voting for Nader!

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to my butt. I mean, to Butt. Gorzo. Matt. Whatever, he won last week’s quiz. For his responses, he gets a free 10-page Pix Capacitor. Good jorb.

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Is it just me or was there a The Onion feel to the zombies article?

2: What do you think of The Onion (www.theonion.com)?

Their Answers:

1: I’m not sure; I never read the Onion. (nice use of semi-colon)

2: it stinks! get it!?

This Week’s Questions:

1: Should I keep using three questions, or come up with a new device?

2: Does this question work best second, or should I switch it around?

3: Is that Mustard gas that I inhaled going to hurt me or just give me super powers?

To be removed from this list, genetically enhance yourself.

| 3 Comments

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Ind e-Pen XXVa

By Pixel at June 20, 2004 at 2:32 am. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+25+++

Introduction

==============

Hey! Yahoo just boosted my e-mail free space to 100 MegaBytes! You know what this means, don’t you?
That I’m going to stop deleting your e-mails as soon as I get them?
Nope.
That I’m going to get Dilbert comics delivered to me every day?
You’re getting warmer…
That I’m going to jump around in my underwear and yell “whoooop!”?
Exactly! How ever did you guess? And now, on to the e-mail:

Small Decisions…

It’s the details that trip you up. I realized this a long time ago, but it never quite sunk in until yesterday at 4 a.m. See, I was debating which font to use for my two new columns (Consumer Reports & Dummy’s Guide). Should I stick with Century Schoolbook (that works well enough, but is lame), should I go with Maiandra (which is excellent for Rambling and Mildly Illegal Activities, but has more of an edge to it), or should I try something new?

It’s always the little things. Like, if I’m expanding everything and making the fonts bigger, should the columns that are confined get more space? Or, if I should be writing this or the Pix Capacitor, should I keep reading Spiderman comics or play Commandos 2 some more?

It’s the little details that trip you up with their deceptive unimportance. I mean, who cares what the font is? No one. But it matters if it reads differently. There’s probably a similar argument for the comic/Commandos dilemma, but I won’t bother making it up. Instead, more examples of little details.

Should I be cremated or buried under the floorboards of my first girlfriend’s bedroom without her knowledge (that’s much funnier if you understood just how neurotic she was. It was like Martha Stewart on Conan O’Brien everytime we hung out, I swear… Okay, THAT’S much funnier if you understand just how analogous the situation is and have seen her on Conan… and THAT’S much funnier if you take it the wrong way… and THAT’S much funnier if you actually have seen that).

Should I spend my last ten dollars on gas to get home, or should I follow that cute girl into Raising Helen? Should I sing the Nations of the World on Karaoke or dance the Macarena?

Should I dedicate my life to writing, or just really try for the lottery thing? Should I get my dad a Father’s Day present, or just take his money and say bye? Should I shave anti-Semitic messages into my head, or just cough up the five dollars and admit I don’t have the guts?

Should I do another keg stand or drive the pregnant woman and her two sons home? Should I rig my house with explosives or take out the insurance policy first? Should I steal $45,000 from a local movie theatre, or just suck it up and admit that I never deserved a job their anyway?

Should I lie my way out of another argument or claim that I have never lied a day in my life? Should I keep taking my vegetarian multiple vitamins or should I just kill a cow and drink its blood for the nutrients?

As you can see, my life is filled with these little questions. Stupid things that I needn’t worry about, but their very triviality is what makes me harp on them. Should I end this article now, or should I come up with a less obvious looking escape hatch?

…Speaking of which, a new Pix Capacitor is out today. I wouldn’t advertise it, except that I’m really proud of this issue. Ten pages of awesomeness (well, two articles suck, but whatever…), who wouldn’t like it?

Oh, and screw the UPS store. I need to find a better way of making copies…

On a related note: WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE A WEBSITE EXCEPT FOR ME??? (hmm, sorry, my caps lock was on. So was my scroll lock, but nobody really cares, I guess.)

Ooh, a Link!

http://www.emogame.com/bushgame.html

Check it out. Playing as Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Christopher Reeve, and Howard Stern? How could you go wrong??

I’m posting this mostly because it’s cool and fun, but also because it’s interesting and educational. Okay, actually, just to piss off my friend Butt who said “I beleive the worst thing you could do for a non-zombie would be to vote John Kerry into office. It would effect all of us negatively.”

Of course, immediately after that he said “Also, if you could get Sandy to take pics of the girls while they are in that bathroom, that would be great.”

But yeah, politics… Screw that. I’m staying out of them, I’m voting for Nader!

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to my butt. I mean, to Butt. Gorzo. Matt. Whatever, he won last week’s quiz. For his responses, he gets a free 10-page Pix Capacitor. Good jorb.

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Is it just me or was there a The Onion feel to the zombies article?

2: What do you think of The Onion (www.theonion.com)?

3: On that note, go to http://objective.jesussave.us/kidz.html and tell me if this page is serious or not and what you think of it (thanks to Cassie for the link).

Their Answers:

1: I’m not sure; I never read the Onion. (nice use of semi-colon)

2: it stinks! get it!?

3: I think it would be good for Cassie is she reads more Bible and does less of everything else she does.

This Week’s Questions:

1: Should I keep using three questions, or come up with a new device?

2: Does this question work best second, or should I switch it around?

3: Is that Mustard gas that I inhaled going to hurt me or just give me super powers?

To be removed from this list, genetically enhance yourself.

| 3 Comments

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Ind e-Pen XXIV

By Pixel at June 13, 2004 at 4:03 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+24+++

Introduction

==============

I tried writing this episode early this week, but I accidentally played twenty hours of “Commandos 2: Men of Courage” instead. THEN, as if it weren’t bad enough, I tried to write this and it was soooo much more boring than playing a nice video game about killing Nutzii. Aw, hell, I KNOW I mispelled that! Anyway, to make your reading experience nicer, I have decided to add in a few perks. Hopefully your e-mail browser will support them (unlike some servers that report “I’m” as “I?m”… what is that’ Am I asking who I am’ That is just silly… oy, stupid school servers…).

ZOMBIES!!!

Oh, my gosh! Okay, okay. What?s the worst thing that you think you could do to non-zombies? Okay, what?s one step beyond that? Yep. I just raised the dead!

See, the thing is, I wanted to be able to claim that my clapping (on another note, I?ve been clapping professionally for two years now) could raise the dead, so I performed a top-secret hush-hush operation on my hands and… well, the point is that everytime I clap, zombies come out and try to eat me! And the worst part is that I CAN’T Stop Clapping!

So, okay, the dead are walking and they’re stalking the world now, what do you do? It’s simple: just stay calm and RUN! RUN! RUN!!! They’ll eat you alive! RUN!!! Well… okay, just keep up a brisk walk. I mean, they’re deadly and hungry, but they haven’t used their legs in a while and… well, they’re zombies.

So, I guess when it comes down to it, you don’t have to start your brisk walk NOW. I mean, you probably have enough time to catch a rerun of That 70’s Show, take a shower, and maybe even read War & Peace.

… by the way, I tried reading the sparknotes on that (just so that I could make a witty joke about something in the book), but the summary bored the hell out of me. The only thing I could pick up was that it was in Russia during the time of Napoleon. For which I was like “so?” Because Napoleon wasn’t really known for conquering Siberia, was he? Maybe I missed something…

Where was I? Oh, yeah, I raised the dead. Zombies. Okay, here’s what you do, fortify your house in cellophane tape, then go to Wally World and buy a flame-thrower. Then, when the zombies start showing up, you bust out with a machete and wail away on them.

Be sure to hack off their mouth first, but if they have particularly long nails, you should probably Edward Scissorhands their ass. Aw, crap. I’ve gotta go, they’re here!

… Oh, wait… it was just the pizza boy. I had forgotten that I had ordered. Crap, time to beat out another manslaughter charge. Maybe if I wrote an e-mail…

10 Things you buy just to have:

Rubik’s Cubes

Encyclopedias

Paintings/Portraits

Health food

Exercise machines

Movies, pictures (beyond the first viewing, of course)

Prostitutes (::rim shot:: That is, if you want one ; )

House plants, especially fake house plants

Trophy Wives, especially fake trophy wives

Condoms (…oh, shut up, your life was sad once too!)

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to my excellent Guatemalan friends Sandy and Athena (oh, by the way, hi. Nice to meet you) who put together their brain power and answered both last week’s and last fortnight’s e-mail. I’d send each of them four pages of the next Pix Capacitor, but I don’t have their mailing address. Also, I don’t trust Guatemalean mailmen. And the Pix Capacitor is ten pages now, so even if they put all eight pages together, they’d still be missing the crossword answers, the first half of each horoscope, and one of the new columns that they voted for (by the way, I’m going to do a Consumer Reports and a Dummy’s Guide section).

I’d publish their answers to last fortnight’s questions (best & worst places you’ve ever peed), but they live in a third-world country, and… aw, what the hell. sandy took the lowercase, ATHENA had the caps, if you want to follow at home:

the best place that we ever peed here would have to be at the
host mom of athena....ONLY 14 PEOPLE HAVE TO SHARE THIS BATHROOM.
  IF YOU NEED TO GO AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME, IT MIGHT JUST BE OPEN
...mmmm how clean....so yeah...that would have to be the nicest..
Now for the dirties...tee hee

i would have to say that would be in this beautiful mayan
village that allowed us to witness their culture first
hand...
with daily life as a mayan....HOLD UP, IM GONNA THROW IN MY
VETO FOR THE WORD BEAUTIFUL.  EVERY TIME I HEARD THE TERM
"WEAVING DEMONSTRATION" MY EYE TWITCHED.  THE ONLY THING
BEAUTIFUL ABOUT THE PLACE WAS THE DIFFERENT COLORED AMEOBAS
THAT EVERYONE BUT TWO PEOPLE GOT WHICH WERE THERE. yeah....i
guess it was a little bit of a culture shock...WELL. I WAS COOL
UNIIL WE WERE POINTED INTO THE WOODS WHEN WE ASKED DONDE ESTA EL
BANO.  THIS "BATHROOM" WAS THREE PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGING AROUND
A STONE SHAPED LIKE TOILET BOWEL THAT LEAD TO THE GREAT UNKNOW.
THE SEAT COVER WAS A NICE PLANK OF WOOD THAT WAS PROBABLY OLDER
THAT I...wait a second!! you had a toilet!? we had the opportunity
 to go into the woods and dig a hole in the ground!! lowering us
to the status of dogs! and heaven forbid you had to shit! then
you dug a hole and had to cover it up afterwards...oh...and where
to put the toilet paper... oye vey!!! thank god for zip lock bags!
EWWWWWW.  IT WAS NICE OF THE WOMEN TO INFORM US THAT THEY HAD AN
OUTHOUSE JUST FOR US WHITIES AFTER WE ALL PAYED OUR OMEN TO THE
STONE GOD...AND CATS SANDY, CATS.  THE DOGS HAD MORE PRIVACY THAN
WE DID...AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO SLEEP IN BEDS THAT SMELLED LIKE..
WAIT, MAYBE MY BED WAS SOMEONE
ELSE'S "WORST BATHROOM"...wait..
you got a bed! we got a piece of really smelly yellow foam on the
floor...DID YOU HAVE AN INSECT THAT SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS TRYING TO
DIAL UP TO THE INTENET ALL NIGHT? we couldn't see insects because
we were covered by this interesting contraption...errr net that
draped over us to keep the bugs away...which wouldn't have been
so bad if i didn't have to share a "bed" that was smaller than a
dorm rooms bed...with a net designed for one person...WE HAD A
NET TOO, WITH A BIG HOLE IN IT.  BIG HELP...BUT IT DIDN'T BLOCK
THE SOUND OF THAT F#"KIN CRICKET THING... maybe it  helped that
we were sleeping ina concrete building with a door thicker than
a body!! but it didn't seem to matter with the bugs because
the
walls weren't connected to the ceiling so the bugs made
themselves at home and feasted off of our bodies...MAYBE THE
SOUNDS WERE MUFFLED BY THE OTHER 10 BODIES YOU HAD SLEEPING IN
THE SAME ROOM/HOUSE....you are right...but really..it was
beautiful...FOR ANYONE THAT FEELS LIKE PARTICIPATING IN A
WEAVING COOP, TWO WORDS...HOLD IT. (AND EAR PLUGS)...that's
five...SHUT UP BEFORE I SELL YOU TO THE LOCALS... 

—- There, now don’t you all feel like checking into a clinic? I know I do. —-

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Is Excalibur the Sword in the Stone or has Disney mislead me? Wait… was it Disney?

2: Which column(s) should I add?

3: Did nobody notice that two of last week’s questions with prepositions ended on?

Their Answers:

1.  FIRST OF ALL PROPS FOR STEPPING FOOT IN THE GOOD OL EK...I'M
NOT SURE WHAT I LIKED MORE THERE, THE ENDLESS OMBIONCE OF
TACKYNESS (AND THATS FOR VEGAS) OR THE WATER "SHOW" WHERE THE
KNIGHT SLAYS THE DRAGON...AND NOT THAT I PAYED TO MUCH ATTENTION
IN JUNIOR YEAR ENGLISH, BUT I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED A
DRAGON IN KING ARTHUR.  BUT YEAH, THE SWORD IS CALLED EXCALIBUR

2.  consumer reports...i would like to see how you rate
products....was lather rinse repeat??? i often get confused by
the directions on containers....AND WHATS WITH THAT TWO IN ONE...
TWO IN ONE IS A BULLSHIT TERM, CAUSE ONE IS NOT BIG ENOUGH TO
HOLD TWO...THAT WAS WHY TWO WAS CREATED...very true...and i'm
not sure if my hair is damaged from dying it about...oh...every
week when it was shorter or if the 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner
really really sucks.....MY VOTE IS YES...indeed.....

3.  and what are prepositions used...for...and where do you put
them...so when writing a sentence a preposition goes on the
inside...in a sentence i will continue to use them throughout..
:p well, beings that our PC is being as stupid as....umm, yeah...
we are going to go.. its past our bedtime and we want to beat all
the drunk machismo guats to the streets....

This Week’s Questions:

1: Is it just me or was there a The Onion feel to the zombies article?

2: What do you think of The Onion (www.theonion.com)?

3: On that note, go to http://objective.jesussave.us/kidz.html and tell me if this page is serious or not and what you think of it (thanks to Cassie for the link).

To be removed from this list, raise the dead.

| 6 Comments

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Ind e-Pen XXIII

By Pixel at June 6, 2004 at 9:52 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+23+++

Introduction

==============

So I went from the Sun City (El Paso, Texas) to Sin City (Las Vegas, Nevada). Next time, I think I’m going to go to Cos City (Ha ha, get it? Trig? Yeah, I get all the chicks…). And now on to the stereotypically late e-mail (This issue: parentheses galore!).

Vegas

What was I supposed to be doing in Las Vegas, again? Oh, yeah, checking out the bathrooms at Caesar’s Palace. Or was it Treasure Island? Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway. Bathroom is as a bathroom does.

“What?” You say. “Could he possibly have become jaded after only being in Sin City for three days?”

Yes, I could.

Before I went to Vegas (unbeknownst to my parents– come to think of it, they probably still think I’m camping), I thought that I had powdered my nose with the best of them. I couldn’t imagine how any bathroom could be better than the one at the Treasure Island.

But then I went to every other bathroom in Las Vegas (purely for research purposes… although my constant drinking of Mountain Dew Livewire probably didn’t help much).

Apparently, beautiful bathrooms are a staple of every major hotel in Las Vegas (except for New York New York and the Stratosphere. Actually, those too, but they smelled funky… and not just because I was in them).

So now I’m somewhat weary of looking for the one perfect bathroom. Hey, if you went on a painstakingly difficult tour of every bathroom in Vegas, you’d be pooped out too!

…

The purpose of my impromptu trip to Vegas was to go visit a friend of mine from Pennsylvania (hey, sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward).

I went to Las Vegas with my once and future artist and a rollerblader with anti-Semitic Jewish curls. That has nothing to do with the story, I just keep wondering how a guy with curly-curly hair could get more chicks than me (the score was 15 - love, but I blame my failure on the racket… chicks just don’t like getting smacked in the arse with a racket… or being called chicks).

Now, you probably think that I’m an idiot for driving 12 hours to go see a friend (15 on the way there. I accidentally let a curly-haired thrill-seeker drive my car after Phoenix and we ended up in California heading towards Lake Havasu, which is only famous because of the “Girls Gone Wild” franchise… you think I’m kidding).

There’s really three reasons that I went: 1. I had the money, 2. I said I was going to go, and 3. I had nothing better to do (what with the lack of finding a job and the not wanting to be at home with my mom nagging me over how I’m never home).

Anyway, we stayed at the Excalibur (was that the sword in the stone or the one from the pool? I don’t know whether to say that the prices were rock bottom or that we were over our head drowning in debt, or both).

I spent most of the first day collecting call girl’s cards as if they came with Bazooka Joe bubble gum, after that I spent most of the first night washing my hands and wondering just what possessed me to think that collecting glossy cards of naked women would be fun.

The scariest thing about driving a fourth of the way across the country to stay in the dirtiest place on earth is wondering if you’re ever going to run into the person that you went there to see (maybe we should have exchanged contact information beforehand…), but then she called me.

So we hung out. Here I’m defining ‘hung out’ as ‘driving about thirty miles to try to find the biggest thrift shop in the world only to finally find it, put money in the meter, and realize that it’s closed.’

Then the day ended.

The next morning, we packed up, went on a ten-second (and ten dollar) roller coaster. It was a fun ride, but I don’t care What happens, if it only lasts ten seconds, it’s not worth ten dollars. Then again, I’m probably just bitter because that was our gas money home.

Speaking of which, does anyone have five bucks they could lend me?

Ah, a helping hand.

It’s odd. When I look back at my old viewspapers, I often think, “oh, my bejeezus! How did anyone ever like this?? It whomps more than my idea to record everything I sing and mutter in the shower!”

… I still have a few of the 8-tracks left, in case you want to buy one…

Anyway, usually, my distaste towards my own writing only extends into my much earlier attempts, but recently, I tried looking at the earlier Ind e-Pens (he heh, pens), and I thought to my self, “What was I thinking?”

Oy, I’m so glad I’m not fumbling like an unpopular schoolgirl in a Fraternity Kegger anymore. No, now I know how to write an Ind. e-Pen. But in figuring that out, I accidentally forgot how to write my other publication.

You see, I’ve decided to expand the Pix Capacitor to 10 pages (of content, which beats out Vogue. Then again, a used Kleenex beats out Vogue in content).

To take up these extra two pages, I’m going to make the font size slightly bigger (to “readable”) and expand four articles. This takes care of one and a third of the extra two pages. Now I just have to introduce one or two more columns to fill up the 500 words or so that I need.

But which columns? I could reintroduce one that was killed off earlier, but it was probably killed off for a reason. Or… I could come up with an entirely new column. I leave the decision to you, the audience. Whatever you decide will be how I go for at least four more issues.

Here, I’ll make the case for each article (you can vote for one or two). In alphabetical order:

Biography: This is a profile of a famous person (either alive, dead, or some zombie/vampire-type state). The twist is that we turn their life into a hideous caricature (making up whatever the research didn’t cover, and giving wacky reasons for the person’s actions). During the semesterly Sweeps, we would write a slight variation of this called the “Unauthorized Autobiography” where the only difference is that we pretend to be whoever we’re writing about.

Calendar: This is a calendar of the next month along with any important dates (meaning Pix Capacitor releases and birthdays). The thing is, this is more practical than funny or interesting, and it’s not even that practical.

Consumer Reports: A suggestion for a column by a friend. This would be where I’d put all of the toilet comparisons and movie reviews. The sky’s the limit here, but it would need a specific direction for it to take off, and I can’t really think of the angle I want to take.

Dummy’s Guide: Here we would patiently explain to people how to do everything from selling their soul on eBay to hotwiring a car. It would include rigorously detailed diagrams (ha ha!) and would seriously give the result we claimed, although not in a serious manner.

History Lesson: Similar to the biography concept, but this would be about some part of history. The only problem with this is actually its biggest strength: that it would be funnier if the person reading it knew what we were talking about (then again, does anyone Ever know what we are talking about?).

X’s & Y’s: A transcript of random people’s conversations, cut in such a way that it ends with a joke each time. The problem is that getting this material takes eons. Try it some time. If you like what you get, send me the results, I might publish them.

Microphiction: A story in 300 words or less. For the literature buffs (ha ha!) in the audience. This would start with a few short-shorts of mine, but hopefully eventually, people would start submitting stories.

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to Nikki Soohy, the winner of last week’s quiz. She was the only person to tell people to send me money. For her answers, she wins a Pix Capacitor.

On a similar note, I received quite a few hilarious responses to last week’s quiz. And, so that they don’t die with me, I’ll publish them all. Nikki’s responses are first, then I listed everyone else’s in alphanumerical order. Here you go:

Last Week’s Questions:

1: What’s the fanciest place YOU’VE ever peed in?

2: What’s the LEAST fanciest place you’ve peed in?

3: When’s your birthday?

Nikki’s Answers:

1. The fanciest place I’ve ever peed in was the emperor’s palace in Japan.

They even had someone to wipe my butt FOR ME! Would you believe that?

Neither did the Japanese police, but that’s a WHOLE other story…

2. The least fanciest place I’ve ever peed in would have to be New Jersey.

What a waste of a state.

3. My birthday is July 24th, and I expect money and lovin’ from everybody

on Carlos’ contacts list. If you REALLY aren’t willing to send me anything,

at least send some money to Carlos…(it’s his birthday for Pete’s sake!)

Happy birthday Carlos!!!

Adelay’s answers:

The fanciest place I’ve ever peed in was my uncle’s boss’s restroom.

I was about six feet away from his giant black marble shell-shaped

bathtub. My uncle’s in the “construction” business. (See also -

George Jung’s occupation in ‘Blow’)

The most horrible place I’ve ever taken a tinkle would be in a gas

station en route to Pittsburgh. With the distinct smell of sixteen

year old lasagna hanging in the air, the restroom had a black designer

silt laying on every square inch of the 3-square-inch floor. The door

locked with a key attached to a giant block of a 2×4.

My birthday is TODAY - May 31. I have nineteen beasts under my belt

as of 3:28 PM, and that’s not even getting into my sex life.

Cassie’s answers [did she write these in Pennsylvania or Las Vegas? The world may never know...]:

1. Fanciest place I have ever peed? My aunt’s bathroom. She is rich.

2. The pool. C’mon…we’ve all done it.

Speaking of which, have you ever seen the episode of Pete and Pete where they have the special chemicals that show who was the pool peer (is that right?) was? Yeah. That scared me.

3. MY BIRTHDAY IS MAY 31st therefore, you need to GIVE ME CANDY!

Jack’s answers:

1: HMMM, the fanciest place i have ever peed? well, there was this really nice swimming pool in california! Just kidding, or am i? One will never know.

2: well one of my friends here in chaparral has this swimming pool.

[wait a minute... that's ME isn't it? Isn't it??]

3: the day i was born.

Butt’s answers:

1. my pants

2. your pants

3. july 10

T. Rob’s answers (it’s like T. Rex, but without the scary teeth):

1: What’s the fanciest place YOU’VE ever peed in? I had the privledge of

peeing in my very own bathroom.

2: What’s the LEAST fanciest place you’ve peed in? Three letters: IUP

3: When’s your birthday? April 18. I remember because you guys gave me cake and sang to me!

This Week’s Questions:

1: Is Excalibur the Sword in the Stone or has Disney mislead me? Wait… was it Disney? Or did Disney mislead me about that too (like they did with Antz)?

2: Which column(s) should I add? Do you have any ideas that you’d like to see?

3: Did nobody notice that two of last week’s questions with prepositions ended on? Is that really a rule in English, or did teachers just make that one up? Isn’t it just so confusing to think about?

To be removed from this list, if you live Northeast of Kansas, go outside from 7:05 to 7:45 on Tuesday morning and see Venus go across the sun. The last time this happened was in 1882. If you live Southwest of Kansas… unplug your internet.

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