Ind e-Pen XXIII

By Pixel at June 6, 2004 at 9:52 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

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Introduction

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So I went from the Sun City (El Paso, Texas) to Sin City (Las Vegas, Nevada). Next time, I think I’m going to go to Cos City (Ha ha, get it? Trig? Yeah, I get all the chicks…). And now on to the stereotypically late e-mail (This issue: parentheses galore!).

Vegas

What was I supposed to be doing in Las Vegas, again? Oh, yeah, checking out the bathrooms at Caesar’s Palace. Or was it Treasure Island? Oh, it doesn’t matter anyway. Bathroom is as a bathroom does.

“What?” You say. “Could he possibly have become jaded after only being in Sin City for three days?”

Yes, I could.

Before I went to Vegas (unbeknownst to my parents– come to think of it, they probably still think I’m camping), I thought that I had powdered my nose with the best of them. I couldn’t imagine how any bathroom could be better than the one at the Treasure Island.

But then I went to every other bathroom in Las Vegas (purely for research purposes… although my constant drinking of Mountain Dew Livewire probably didn’t help much).

Apparently, beautiful bathrooms are a staple of every major hotel in Las Vegas (except for New York New York and the Stratosphere. Actually, those too, but they smelled funky… and not just because I was in them).

So now I’m somewhat weary of looking for the one perfect bathroom. Hey, if you went on a painstakingly difficult tour of every bathroom in Vegas, you’d be pooped out too!

…

The purpose of my impromptu trip to Vegas was to go visit a friend of mine from Pennsylvania (hey, sometimes you have to go backwards to move forward).

I went to Las Vegas with my once and future artist and a rollerblader with anti-Semitic Jewish curls. That has nothing to do with the story, I just keep wondering how a guy with curly-curly hair could get more chicks than me (the score was 15 - love, but I blame my failure on the racket… chicks just don’t like getting smacked in the arse with a racket… or being called chicks).

Now, you probably think that I’m an idiot for driving 12 hours to go see a friend (15 on the way there. I accidentally let a curly-haired thrill-seeker drive my car after Phoenix and we ended up in California heading towards Lake Havasu, which is only famous because of the “Girls Gone Wild” franchise… you think I’m kidding).

There’s really three reasons that I went: 1. I had the money, 2. I said I was going to go, and 3. I had nothing better to do (what with the lack of finding a job and the not wanting to be at home with my mom nagging me over how I’m never home).

Anyway, we stayed at the Excalibur (was that the sword in the stone or the one from the pool? I don’t know whether to say that the prices were rock bottom or that we were over our head drowning in debt, or both).

I spent most of the first day collecting call girl’s cards as if they came with Bazooka Joe bubble gum, after that I spent most of the first night washing my hands and wondering just what possessed me to think that collecting glossy cards of naked women would be fun.

The scariest thing about driving a fourth of the way across the country to stay in the dirtiest place on earth is wondering if you’re ever going to run into the person that you went there to see (maybe we should have exchanged contact information beforehand…), but then she called me.

So we hung out. Here I’m defining ‘hung out’ as ‘driving about thirty miles to try to find the biggest thrift shop in the world only to finally find it, put money in the meter, and realize that it’s closed.’

Then the day ended.

The next morning, we packed up, went on a ten-second (and ten dollar) roller coaster. It was a fun ride, but I don’t care What happens, if it only lasts ten seconds, it’s not worth ten dollars. Then again, I’m probably just bitter because that was our gas money home.

Speaking of which, does anyone have five bucks they could lend me?

Ah, a helping hand.

It’s odd. When I look back at my old viewspapers, I often think, “oh, my bejeezus! How did anyone ever like this?? It whomps more than my idea to record everything I sing and mutter in the shower!”

… I still have a few of the 8-tracks left, in case you want to buy one…

Anyway, usually, my distaste towards my own writing only extends into my much earlier attempts, but recently, I tried looking at the earlier Ind e-Pens (he heh, pens), and I thought to my self, “What was I thinking?”

Oy, I’m so glad I’m not fumbling like an unpopular schoolgirl in a Fraternity Kegger anymore. No, now I know how to write an Ind. e-Pen. But in figuring that out, I accidentally forgot how to write my other publication.

You see, I’ve decided to expand the Pix Capacitor to 10 pages (of content, which beats out Vogue. Then again, a used Kleenex beats out Vogue in content).

To take up these extra two pages, I’m going to make the font size slightly bigger (to “readable”) and expand four articles. This takes care of one and a third of the extra two pages. Now I just have to introduce one or two more columns to fill up the 500 words or so that I need.

But which columns? I could reintroduce one that was killed off earlier, but it was probably killed off for a reason. Or… I could come up with an entirely new column. I leave the decision to you, the audience. Whatever you decide will be how I go for at least four more issues.

Here, I’ll make the case for each article (you can vote for one or two). In alphabetical order:

Biography: This is a profile of a famous person (either alive, dead, or some zombie/vampire-type state). The twist is that we turn their life into a hideous caricature (making up whatever the research didn’t cover, and giving wacky reasons for the person’s actions). During the semesterly Sweeps, we would write a slight variation of this called the “Unauthorized Autobiography” where the only difference is that we pretend to be whoever we’re writing about.

Calendar: This is a calendar of the next month along with any important dates (meaning Pix Capacitor releases and birthdays). The thing is, this is more practical than funny or interesting, and it’s not even that practical.

Consumer Reports: A suggestion for a column by a friend. This would be where I’d put all of the toilet comparisons and movie reviews. The sky’s the limit here, but it would need a specific direction for it to take off, and I can’t really think of the angle I want to take.

Dummy’s Guide: Here we would patiently explain to people how to do everything from selling their soul on eBay to hotwiring a car. It would include rigorously detailed diagrams (ha ha!) and would seriously give the result we claimed, although not in a serious manner.

History Lesson: Similar to the biography concept, but this would be about some part of history. The only problem with this is actually its biggest strength: that it would be funnier if the person reading it knew what we were talking about (then again, does anyone Ever know what we are talking about?).

X’s & Y’s: A transcript of random people’s conversations, cut in such a way that it ends with a joke each time. The problem is that getting this material takes eons. Try it some time. If you like what you get, send me the results, I might publish them.

Microphiction: A story in 300 words or less. For the literature buffs (ha ha!) in the audience. This would start with a few short-shorts of mine, but hopefully eventually, people would start submitting stories.

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to Nikki Soohy, the winner of last week’s quiz. She was the only person to tell people to send me money. For her answers, she wins a Pix Capacitor.

On a similar note, I received quite a few hilarious responses to last week’s quiz. And, so that they don’t die with me, I’ll publish them all. Nikki’s responses are first, then I listed everyone else’s in alphanumerical order. Here you go:

Last Week’s Questions:

1: What’s the fanciest place YOU’VE ever peed in?

2: What’s the LEAST fanciest place you’ve peed in?

3: When’s your birthday?

Nikki’s Answers:

1. The fanciest place I’ve ever peed in was the emperor’s palace in Japan.

They even had someone to wipe my butt FOR ME! Would you believe that?

Neither did the Japanese police, but that’s a WHOLE other story…

2. The least fanciest place I’ve ever peed in would have to be New Jersey.

What a waste of a state.

3. My birthday is July 24th, and I expect money and lovin’ from everybody

on Carlos’ contacts list. If you REALLY aren’t willing to send me anything,

at least send some money to Carlos…(it’s his birthday for Pete’s sake!)

Happy birthday Carlos!!!

Adelay’s answers:

The fanciest place I’ve ever peed in was my uncle’s boss’s restroom.

I was about six feet away from his giant black marble shell-shaped

bathtub. My uncle’s in the “construction” business. (See also -

George Jung’s occupation in ‘Blow’)

The most horrible place I’ve ever taken a tinkle would be in a gas

station en route to Pittsburgh. With the distinct smell of sixteen

year old lasagna hanging in the air, the restroom had a black designer

silt laying on every square inch of the 3-square-inch floor. The door

locked with a key attached to a giant block of a 2×4.

My birthday is TODAY - May 31. I have nineteen beasts under my belt

as of 3:28 PM, and that’s not even getting into my sex life.

Cassie’s answers [did she write these in Pennsylvania or Las Vegas? The world may never know...]:

1. Fanciest place I have ever peed? My aunt’s bathroom. She is rich.

2. The pool. C’mon…we’ve all done it.

Speaking of which, have you ever seen the episode of Pete and Pete where they have the special chemicals that show who was the pool peer (is that right?) was? Yeah. That scared me.

3. MY BIRTHDAY IS MAY 31st therefore, you need to GIVE ME CANDY!

Jack’s answers:

1: HMMM, the fanciest place i have ever peed? well, there was this really nice swimming pool in california! Just kidding, or am i? One will never know.

2: well one of my friends here in chaparral has this swimming pool.

[wait a minute... that's ME isn't it? Isn't it??]

3: the day i was born.

Butt’s answers:

1. my pants

2. your pants

3. july 10

T. Rob’s answers (it’s like T. Rex, but without the scary teeth):

1: What’s the fanciest place YOU’VE ever peed in? I had the privledge of

peeing in my very own bathroom.

2: What’s the LEAST fanciest place you’ve peed in? Three letters: IUP

3: When’s your birthday? April 18. I remember because you guys gave me cake and sang to me!

This Week’s Questions:

1: Is Excalibur the Sword in the Stone or has Disney mislead me? Wait… was it Disney? Or did Disney mislead me about that too (like they did with Antz)?

2: Which column(s) should I add? Do you have any ideas that you’d like to see?

3: Did nobody notice that two of last week’s questions with prepositions ended on? Is that really a rule in English, or did teachers just make that one up? Isn’t it just so confusing to think about?

To be removed from this list, if you live Northeast of Kansas, go outside from 7:05 to 7:45 on Tuesday morning and see Venus go across the sun. The last time this happened was in 1882. If you live Southwest of Kansas… unplug your internet.

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