Ind e-Pen XXX

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1+++BT+30+++

Introduction
================

Oh, man! Has this week been exciting and mysterious, or what? I mean, first that one classified adventure, then that other confidential rendezvous with the unknown stranger, finally that mysterious test of character and ability. Oh, if only this didn’t have to be forever hidden from the people who are the most curious (ha ha. It’s actually kind of ironic if you think about it). Oh, well..

Top 15 names to call recently bald people claiming to be sex gods:

1. Ghandi
2. Dr. Evil
3. Buddha
4. Old Man
5. Uncle Fester
6. Cue Ball
7. Peanut
8. Coconut
9. Crome Dome
10. Powder
11. Pelón (Spanish for Baldie)
12. Baldie
13. Light Bulb
14. Kiwi
15. Monkey Nut

A Mock Interview:

As per the “Illegal or Inappropriate” article on Monster.com (aah! Aaahh!!!), I have decided to create my own series of questions to ask should I ever be in charge of hiring (ha ha). I figure that if the candidates avoid the illegal questions, they must be hiding something, thus, the only way to be sure is to ask them. Fair enough? Now on to the questions:

1. What gender are you?
2. Are you single?
3. Are you likely to become single?
4. Is your relationship open?
5. Are you willing to relocate?
6. What is your religion?
7. Is it the same as mine?
8. Are you willing to change it?
9. What is your race?
10. Are you in the top three at least?
11. And if so, did you get the silver?
12. Are you married?
13. Well, are you divorced?
14. Did he beat you?
15. Did you like it?
16. How long did you put up with it?
17. If it were to happen again, how long would you put up with it?
18. Are you gay?
19. Are you likely to become gay?
20. If so, is it likely to be for Elijah Wood? (who is www.veryverygay.com)
21. Do you have any kids?
22. How many?
23. Are any of them hot 18 year old girls?
24. Well, when DO they turn 18?
25. Are you pregnant?
26. Really?
27. Are you sure?
28. When was your last menstruation?
29. Hmm…
30. Are you liable to get knocked up?
31. Oh, Damn.
32. Do you have insurance?
33. Do you have a Health Condition?
34. BOO!!!!
35. Where are you from?
36. Are you willing to relocate that?
37. Are you handicapped?
38. Do you object to being called a gimp?
39. Gimpitty-gimp-gimp?
40. Do you have a sense of humor?
41. Do we need to make any special provisions for you?
42. Ha ha ha. No, seriously, you’re fine with stuff the way it is, right?
43. What would you consider to be your weaknesses?
44. What about your strengths?
45. Do you have any super strengths?
46. Are you faster than a speeding bullet?
47. That’s not what your wife said.
48. How old are you?
49. How old do you want to be one year from now?
50. Why do you want this job?
51. When can you start?
52. Why should we hire you?
53. Why do you want to know?
54. What did the blind, deaf, mute, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?
55. CANCER!!!

Top 25 Failed Spin-off Business Ventures

1. AppleCee’s restaurant
2. Death magazine
3. Space magazine
4. Newsyear magazine
5. Blended magazine
6. Lesser Ajax soap
7. Jennifer Hate Hewitt
8. Drive-Thru Orthodontics
9. Happy-Ho Conselors
10. Sperm Bank ATMs
11. The new “Life” for those serving 25 to Life
12. Dirteenex tissues
13. Quarterhorse Beans
14. Macrowaves
15. Pinebananas
16. Seeded Seedless Watermelons
17. Virus Phones
18. Tissue Phones
19. Organism Phones
20. Palm Copilots (they drink martinis)
21. Rerecliners
22. Femail
23. The Second Bush White House
24. The Picks Crapassshitter (oy… what were we THINKING??)
25. Flintstone’s Chewable Minerals

A Small Quiz:

This week, my loveable daughter Denise gets a free Pix Capaacitor. Good job. And now, on

to–

This Week’s Questions:

1. Can you think of a good name to call my fuzzy-headed friend?
2. Any questions I forgot that aren’t just ripped off from www.dead-baby-jokes.com?
3. Are you planning on creating a spin-off business? If so, what is it?

To be removed from this list, send an e-mail to indepen-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

Just note, we’ll hate you forever if you do.

| 2 Comments

Replying to all because I love you so much

Dear Carlos,

It’s nice to meet you. I never knew anyone was actually named such a sexy, sexy name. Wow. You must get all of the fine ladies/hos/bee-hotches.

And I’m sorry that you heard me wrong. I’m not saying that my friends are stupid, just that they’re the kind of guys that would get stabbed in a shoot-out. They once took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff. They’re the kind of guys that would drop acid if they could carry the car battery…

And about Daniel being a god with the ladies, I hear he is. Specifically Hermes, the god of speed.

–IeP 29 dude

| 4 Comments

Ind e-Pen XXIX

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+29+++

Introduction

================

Going to kill someone… This internet thing is ridiculous. Did you know that it’s World-Wide? Isn’t that nuts? I’ve spent all of this week working on my website. Which is still not up. I can’t figure out how to get the links to work or the pictures to… hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. First, the SCUBA story.

The ‘U’ in SCUBA

In a recent issue of the Pix Capacitor, some unscrupulous editor printed how he and his friends drove by an old friend’s house and Toilet Papered her car for no reason whatsoever. In case you’re wondering, her name is ****** *** **** and her cell phone number is (***) *** ****.

For some reason, my two friends got mad at me for printing this information, and they forbade me to mention another mildly illegal activity that we did just two days later.

But… the way I figure it, as long as the people affected don’t find out, we’re okay, right? …Remember, (***) *** ****.

When firefighters go into a fire, they have tanks called Self Contained Breathing Apparati that breathe for them–not because they’re lazy, just because it’s safer than having them breathe smoke-infested air.

When SCUBA divers go into water, they have tanks called Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparati that breathe for them too.

Well, the thing about being a volunteer firefighter is that we have access to all of their equipment. Assuming, of course, that it’s purely for entertainment purposes. And believe me: converting an SCBA into SCUBA is pure entertainment.

For legal reasons, right now I must say that not only was this not my idea, but I didn’t even know about it until my friends showed up at my house asking to use my pool.

What followed after was a series of trial and error experiments. The masks–for some reason–weren’t made to go underwater (pfft!), so we had to jimmy-rig them to make them work. When I say ‘we’ I mean ‘my friends.’ Also, having a huge tank on their back somehow forced them to float. They had to tie blocks of concrete to themselves in order to fully sink.

What can I say? We are stupid. I mean, my friends are stupid.

Hilarious, fun, and entertaining, but quite stupidly so.

Websiting Woes

I was hoping to debut my website today, but apparently, like Graphic Design and Biochemistry, it’s a lot more difficult to make a website than I had previously assumed. Who knew that there was a difference between .htm and .html? And if .html is hyper text markup language, what the fishizzle is .htm?

Oi. Headaches. Still though. Soon, you’ll get to visit my website in full glory. Soon…

A Small Quiz:

Congrat’s to my good friend Animal who, although he responded to and older set of questions, actually responded. He gets a free Pix Capacitor for that. But, since everybody got his reply, I don’t see why I need to type it again. Thus, I’ll just go on to this week’s questions:

This Week’s Questions:

1: My friends are going to prank call ******* today (*** *** ****), are you?

2: I have an idea of what .htm might stand for, but I doubt they’d use that many bad words…

3: Is SCUBA diving in a pool cool or just sort of sad? Please tell me, I don’t know.

To be removed from this list, send an e-mail to indepen-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com… Wow. I’m legit now.

But… you probably shouldn’t unsubscribe. In fact, I recommend clicking indepen-subscribe@yahoogroups.com immediately after that.

| 3 Comments

Ind e-Pen XXVIII

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+28+++

Introduction

================

Cock-a-doodle-do!

The butler did it!

So my friend’s 23 year old brother had a date. I know, it surprised me too. Apparently, he didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t been on very many dates in his life and he really wanted to impress this girl.

Somehow, he had decided that his brother and I knew more about girls than he did. So what advice did we give him? Well, what advice would you give him?

We told him to buy a limousine.

I said to him that I would be his driver in exchange for a small fee.

It sounded like fun. But we couldn’t find a limo, so the entire thing was called off.

Then he pestered us for date ideas for about a week. At some point in the ‘ignoring him’ phase, he decided to cook dinner for her instead of taking her out.

What a stupid idea. Like women ever fall for that… Okay, they do, but not when this guy cooks. I mean, he can’t cook at all. Probably. After all, he Is a boy.

And boys can’t cook. It’s true, just ask them.

This case was especially bad though. For instance, the day before his date, he had nothing prepared or planned.

So I offered to be his butler for the evening. He laughed at me, doubting my sincerity or ability to keep a straight face. I bet him I could.

The day of the date, about an hour before she was scheduled to come over, he agreed to make me his butler. I would show up all spiffed out and serve them the food that he cooked for her.

So I spiffed myself out and showed up at his house. After waiting for a half-hour in his bedroom (shut up! It was to hide me from the girl. It was! Really…), he called me out and I brought them their dinner and wine.

On a side note, he cooked her spaghetti. Which seems nice and fancy. I mean, all Italian food is, right? But she happened to be the head manager for the local Johnny Carino’s Italian Restaurant. Smart man, he is.

Anyway, as the butler, I had to spend an inordinate amount of time being quiet in another room (it reminded me of my days hanging out in the 1940’s with Anne Frank and her posse). Now, I don’t like looking schnazzy and being quiet (Anne Frank and I would play dress-up ever so often), so I started looking for ways to entertain myself.

That was when I found the giant sombrero.

The next time “Master Benjamin” called me in, I walked in in full Mexican headwear (or tourist trap headwear). His date cracked up laughing, but Ben just looked ashamed.

Then he sent me away. He shouldn’t have though. I mean, that was when I put on the court jester’s hat.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to keep myself from smiling, but I did it (actually, that’s not true. The hardest thing was to take Anne’s hiding place when the Nazii came in).

Then they sent me away again, and I found a paintball mask. He heh. I’ll upload a picture of that soon. Speaking of which, I have an entire Pix Capacitor issue on bitmap, for those of you who have enough space and time to read one, I’ll upload that too.

Anyway, the last time they called me in, I had no hats available, but there was a well-placed lamp nearby…

I don’t know if he found his lampshade-head butler amusing. I mean, he still hasn’t paid me.

Of course, that’s probably because I asked him for $3,035. (Although only 35 of those dollars were for being a butler. The other three thou were to finance my viewspaper for a year.

(He was going to give me the money, too. All he wanted was for me to build up some hype about him. Apparently, he wants to run for office in a few years. I thought, ‘well, it’s the same thing as accepting an advertisement, right? As long as I isolate the hype to one page and write “ADVERTISEMENT” at the top, it’s not immoral, right?’

(Then I talked to him.

(And I realized that Benjamin James Davenport was the devil. Which means that I can’t support him or accept his money. You can still vote for him, I guess. It’s up to you. All I know is that he is the devil.)

Self-Contained Unreliable Breathing Apparatus

Due to my publishing some mildly illegal activities that I shouldn’t have last issue, I won’t mention that my friends and I went SCUBA diving last week.

It doesn’t sound so illegal, does it? Good. Don’t question it. I mean, the SCUBA gear was probably meant to be used underwater anyway. And it most likely wasn’t borrowed from anywhere. ESPECIALLY not a non-profit organization.

Yup. No questions.

Plus, I’m just kidding.

And I’m a liar.

Anyway, it’s not even like we went very far to SCUBA dive. We stayed in town.

We SCUBA dived in my pool.

The Call for All Fonts.

I have a pretty lame request here, but it’s rather important to me. I need to touch up some old issues of my viewspaper that were done on my old computer. The problem is that I don’t have some of the fonts that I need to retouch them, and I can’t find them anywhere. If you could look through your computer (they should be under C:/Windows/Fonts), and let me know if you have any of them, I would truly appreciate it. Thanks.

Andale Mono IPA
Amelia BT
Amerigo BT
Americana Extra Bold Condensed BT
Around 5
Arrus BT
AvantGarde Md BT
Boxes
Bullets1
ClassGarmnd BT
Compacta Blk BT
Cosmic
Fixedsys
Geometr231 BT
Goudy Old Style
High Tower Text
Lydian Csv BT
MicrogrammaDBolExt
Monotype Sorts
Monotype Sorts 2
MS Serif
Nuptial BT
Parisian BT
President
Schneidler BT
Small Fonts
Stars1
Stars2
Swiss 721 BT
Swis721 Th BT
Swis721 Blk BT
Terminal
Ti86pc
Tiffany Hv BT
Times New Roman Special G1
ZapfDingbats BT

A Small Quiz:

Okay, I have a new system that I’m going to try out to see how it works. Okay, this episode, Cassandra Aho wins a Pix Capacitor for being the first person to respond who hadn’t won an issue in the past. This doesn’t mean that people who’ve already won don’t have a chance, just that their odds get slightly worse. Any complaints?

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Can you think of another, more fun way to say “barf?”

2: What are you doing for the fourth of july?

3: What about another way to say “Ralph?”

Cassie’s quiz answers……

1. frab. spelling things backwards always makes the much more entertaining.
2. for the fourth of july, i worked. Had a picnic with my family and then i drove around with friends, trying to see all the fireworks erie has to offer. we failed miserably, mainly because i felt the need to get out of the car and dance in the glow of the sky. also, we went to pizza hut after it closed, colored in some coloring books, went on the roof, and made rootbeer floats.
3. I’m going to have to say “bob”. I like calling people with the name of ralph, bob. You’re bob, yeah, 2000 points, no steal.

This Week’s Questions:

1: Whatever happened to Anne Frank? Can I look her up?

2: Do girls like it when guys cook for them? And can guys cook?

3: Do you have any of the fonts?

To be removed from this list, send an e-mail to indepen-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com… Wow. I’m legit now.

But, you probably shouldn’t unsubscribe. In fact, I recommend clicking indepen-subscribe@yahoogroups.com immediately after that.

p.s. happy belated Birthday Matt, and Nikki too, I think, and.. um.. everyone else who’s had a birthday in the last year.

| No Comments

Ind e-Pen XXVII

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1+++BT+27+++

Introduction

================

Howdy mischevious youths! Today is day one of the Yahoo Group “indepen.” I always feel like saying ‘dence day’ after that, but that would just be silly. I mean, the U.S. Independence Day isn’t for another 365 days! How ludicrous! In any case. This means that now, the tables have turned. Let me explain:

A Group. A Yahoo Group.

Yey! We’re a group now! Not like it was that difficult to become a group. I mean, there’s groups dedicated to studying various types of swamp crickets in South American jungles. And, I mean… after you discuss the various phenotypes, there really isn’t that much more to talk about.

But here, we have waaaaay more to say. At least I do. To 30 of you. See, they only let me add ten addresses per day, so some of you are in the group, some of you are still not. You can make yourself part of the group by just sending an e-mail to “indepen-subscribe@yahoogroups.com” At least, that’s what I’m assuming. I haven’t tried that yet. Why would I? You know how I hate spam.

In any case, if you go to “http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/indepen/” you’ll find my fabulous purple and red color scheme. I designed it myself. They had a warning, “do not design this color scheme, it will make people puke,” but did I listen to it? Noooooo… Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go use the giant porcelain telephone.

…

So what’s different about the group now? Well, for one, you can add or subtract yourself from the list and I wouldn’t find out about it until later (Butt, this is your chance!).

Also, if you send an e-mail to “indepen@yahoogroups.com” it gets posted and everyone can read it. Quite the spooky concept, if I do say so myself. I’m thinking of deleting that privilege, but I don’t know if I should…

So, let’s try this out. See how it goes. If no one likes it, then big whoop. We’ll go back to chiseling our e-mails into stone.

Aw, man, I just saw the website again. I think I need to do the Technicolor yawn…

The Dictionary

For my summer reading, I decided to catch up on the classics and read such famous works as Plato’s Republic, Amazing Spiderman #121, and Dr. Seuss’ “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.” Unfortunately, due to my many duties as the head honcho of the Pix Capacitor, a couple of websites, and a partridge in a pear tree, I have been unable to get started with any of them.

Actually, the real reason that I haven’t started the classics is because I can’t finish this book that I’m currently on. No, it’s not Tom Robbins’ Jitterbug Perfume or Jane Applegate’s 201 Great Ideas for your Small Business, it’s Webster’s very own dictionary.

See, it’s not that I don’t want to read the dictionary (I hear it’ll boost my vocabulary more than any other book), it’s just that I can’t stand the style. It’s almost as bad as Chaucer or Faulkner. I mean, who really Writes a book in alphabetical order? Oi.

And it’s not like I got far along into it either. I got lost on chapter B!

There were too many characters, introduced too soon, and I had no idea what was going on with the plot. I felt like I was reading something written by congress!

In any case, I gave up reading the dictionary. I even gave up trying to find the Cliff notes online. And don’t even get me started on the reviews…

A Small Quiz:

Congrats to Butt’s e-mail full of suspicion and innuendo. For his lack of trust of Nikki and my platonic relationship, he gets a Pix Capacitor. Or will get one this weekend anyway. This weekend? Hmm… I should start writing that.

Last Week’s Questions:

1: Will being classified as another type of game affect this e-mail?

2: Do you think that I really Did dress up as Santa Claus twice? Possibly once the last day of the Fall semester my Freshman year and once for Horror Day during our school’s Spirit Week?

3: Will You pay me for a Free lance job?

Butt’s quiz answers……

1: I have no idea what this questions means so I’ll go with no.

2: I bet you used that suit to sneak across the Mexican border and

into the States.

3: No, absolutely not.

This Week’s Questions:

1: Can you think of another, more fun way to say “barf?”

2: What are you doing for the fourth of july?

3: What about another way to say “Ralph?”

To be removed from this list, make a drunken pass at me.

| 6 Comments