Ind e-Pen # XXXIX, On picking fights with papers weaker than mine

By Pixel at September 25, 2004 at 2:50 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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Who knows what terror lies in the hearts of men?
The Shadow knows…
And now to finish this e-mail so I can go tailhate at

the big NMSU-UNM Game.

“The Beacon”
————–
What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of spiders or

serial killers or Ben Stiller movies?
Or are you another kind of person altogether who is

afraid of the future or the past?
Could you possibly be afraid of me?
What about my e-group? Or my viewspaper? If you’re a

local congressman or newspaper, the answer is probably

yes.
Isn’t that just sad?
So I received a phone call from the guy in charge of

the “Beacon.” If you don’t know what “The Beacon” is,

obviously you missed my last issue.
Last issue I wrote an article in a fit of anger (or

what I call an Angricle). I had gone to the local store

and found “The Beacon’s” (admittedly crappy) paper

covering mine– thus making mine impossible to see.
So I fixed the stack and came back to write a fiery

piece where I compared reading their paper to peeing on a

powerline (it’s not actually said, but oh, how it’s

implied).
Then, in the two weeks between writing an article and

distributing it, I forgot about it. Friday, the guy in

charge of distributing the “Beacon” called me up and asked

me what my problem was.
Apparently, whilst doing his rounds, he had run into my

paper. I suppose he read it, because he asked me about a

particular claim of mine: that they had covered my paper.

It seems he didn’t know about it, my paper shouldn’t have

been on his stand anyway, nobody had told him about it,

and purple monkey dishwasher.
I told him that the shop owners had TOLD me to put my

paper there and that I’d remove my product from his stand.

“That’s not the problem.”
Well, then. What is?
“You just blasted me on your paper and I want to know

why.”
He asked me if we were at war (despite the fact that my

article explicitly says “war is on”).
I figure it depends on how the “Beacon” responds: if

they stop sucking, I’ll stop attacking them. If they

don’t, or respond in some non-legal way, I’ll attack the

bejeezus out of them. If they subpoena me, I’ll show up

in court (meanwhile blasting the bejeezus out of them),

win, and then proceed to blast them into oblivion.
Back to the phone call:
He asked me if I’d written the article and when I said

yes, he hung up.
Then, just one day later, I thought of what would have

been really funny for me to do: call him back and say, “I

think you may have accidentally hung up on me” then gone

on to talk about my menstrual cycle.
Boy if only I had thought about it within ten seconds

instead of twenty-six hours later.. Oh, well. Next guy I

piss off, most definitely.

People I’ve pissed off
—————————-

New Mexico Representative Stevan Pearce
Stevan Pearce’s staff
“The Beacon” Staff
Probably Jennifer Love Hewitt (I probably shouldn’t have

sent her the issue that had the article on “How to Get

into Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants”)
www.mutantreviewers.com
The Parking Nazii
Possibly President Bush
Possibly Kobe Bryant
Possibly Justin Timberlake
Everyone who’s ever had to drive with me
Everyone who’s ever been next to me whilst driving
The state of Kansas
The Catholic Church
(many, many more to come)

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to Miss Monica Sifuentes for voting for

me many years ago. As a direct result, she gets a free

Pix Capacitor.

This Week:

1: What are you afraid of? (and if you say Virginia

Woolf, I’ll replace your Metamucil with a laxative)
2: Say I called you up right now and was extremely angry. How would you respond? (please say aroused, please say aroused, please say aroused…)
3: Have I pissed YOU off?

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Ind e-Pen # XXXVIII, of Politics and Pornography

By Pixel at September 18, 2004 at 11:30 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen

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Introduction

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So apparently I’d lost it. Oops. My bad. I’ll try not to let Trumpet Rob down again. Anyway, I’m including here my proposal for reforming the current political system along with a series of interesting statistics about pornography. I’m throwing that in for T. Rob. He heh. Porn…

Ideas.

——-

If there’s anything I’m full of, it’s ideas. The ideas are usually crap, mind you, but they’re still ideas. In any case, I think up new things to make the world better All The Time. For instance, just today I thought up the idea of a pop tart that was frosted on BOTH sides.

Who wouldn’t love that? A doubly-frosty tarty pop? Mmm… Also, a wee bit ago, I thought of a magazine more reputable than Newsweek and more entertaining than Time. I call it: NewsTime!! And it needs the two exclamation marks; else it just doesn’t make any sense.

But my true prize idea is that which I shall implement before 2012. I call it The Superiour Partey.

First a little background:

A long time ago, my good friend Jonathan B. Trust and I decided to run for office. It wasn’t anything major like Senator, but it also wasn’t anything wimpy like State Representative. No, we wanted to be President and Executive Officer of a club in our high school known only as MESA.

Running unopposed, we nevertheless decided to campaign vigorously. That was about where we started to go wrong… We bribed voters (after insulting them), we mocked the process (that we were using), we insulted voters (then bribed them), we built a website, came up with a partey platform (right?), and even corrupted an independent paper.

… then some inconsiderate, young poopensmiths decided that it would be fun if they ran AGAINST us. They came up with the most original name in their mental arsenal: The Anti-Superiour Partey, and started campaigning like they thought it would make them friends.

It didn’t.

They copied everything from us and viciously assaulted us on our entire platform (which was a joke up until then… but it still hurt, damn it). They built a website and slowly started converting people to the dark side.

In response to this, Jonathan and I grew tired and bought some walkie-talkies. We stopped caring about it at exactly the time that the Inferiour, err… I mean Anti-Superiour, Partey got into full swing.

Then, just before election, the last five people that said that they were voting for us, switched to the dark side.

… I should probably mention here that we had another person running on our ticket. But since he was also on the Inferiour Ticket, we don’t consider him Superiour. Take that Jack!

Anyway, the Superiour Partey folded as soon as that campaign ended. But here I’ve decided to resurrect it (without consulting Jonathan B. Trust at all, no less. But then why would I? He doesn’t have a weekly e-mail to write… to my knowledge).

The principles of this partey are awesome. Basically, it’s the Better Business Bureau for politicians. We come up with these kick-ass party platforms (basically centered on education, health, the environment, and taxes), and create punch-elephant requirements for entry.

The Center for Public Integrity (publicintegrity.org) would crunch all the numbers and give a number to everyone who wanted admittance to the Superiour Partey. The number would be based on a percentage of what the person PROMISED to do versus what s/he actually DID. Anyone who scored less than 90% would be unable to call themselves Superiour. That way, it would be a constant testing of our political values and people would be able to trust straight-ticket voting again.

I like it, I think it’ll work and I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before. What do you all think?

Interesting Stats from my Media Law Class that I didn’t bother to fact check, but neither will you:

——————————————

Daily pornographic search engine requests: 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)

Daily pornographic emails: 2.5 billion (8% of total emails)

U.S. adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites: 40 million

Largest consumer of Internet pornography: 12-17 age group

Child pornography generates $3 billion annually

U.S. porn revenue exceeds the combined revenues of ABC, CBS and NBC ($6.2 billion)

Pornographic websites: 4.2 million (12% of total websites)

Pornographic pages: 372 million

Average daily pornographic emails/user: 4.5 per internet user

Monthly pornographic downloads (Peer-to-peer): 1.5 billion (35% of all downloads)

Daily child porn requests: 116,000

Sexual solicitations of youth made in chat rooms: 89% (that means 89% of solicitations of youth occurred in chat rooms)

Youths who received online sexual solicitation: 20%

Worldwide visitors to pornographic web sites: 72 million annually

Cyberporn sales-including videos and accessories ordered online-accounted for 10% of 2001’s $22 billion E-commerce pie.

Surfers’ spending on access to adult-content sites is expected to rise to more than $4 billion by 2004

Almost half of people with Internet access visit pornography sites

Children’s internet porn statistics

———————————–

Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography:11 years old

15-17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures: 80%

8-16 year olds having viewed porn online: 90% (most while doing homework!)

7-17 year olds who would freely give out home address: 29%

7-17 year olds who would freely give out email address: 14%

Children’s characters linked to thousands of porn links: 26 (including Pokemon and Action Man)

Adult internet porn statistics

——————————

Men admitting to accessing pornography at work: 20%

Women admitting to accessing pornography at work: 13%

US adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites: 40 million

Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction: 10%

Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites: 72% male - 28% female

“I can’t define obscenity, but I know it when I see it.”

–Justice Potter Stewart, U.S. Supreme Court

“What offends me may be sustenance to my neighbor.”

–Justice William Douglas, U.S. Supreme Court

Do You support:

—————

Banning the showing of X-rated films to adults?

(36% of Americans do)

Banning sale/rental of X-rated films for in-home use?

(38% of Americans do)

Banning sale to adults of hardcore magazines?

(31% of Americans do)

Restricting access to X-rated web sites by adults?

(35% of Americans do)

A Small Quiz:

Yeah, okay, I guess Animal wins. I mean, at least Someone loved his answers, right? Yeah, he gets a free Pix Capacitor.

This Week:

1: Is the Superiour Partey a good idea for a Partey, or what? And is Raymond the Penguin an awesome mascot? Because I’ve already printed up the t-shirts…

2: Would YOU have voted for me?

3: Is porn your sustenance like Justice William Douglas’ neighbor?

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Ind e-Pen XXXVII

By Pixel at September 13, 2004 at 1:06 am. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen
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I have nothing to say today.

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to T. Rob & Butt’s #2, and Animal &
Meegs’ #3. You each get two and a half pages of a Pix
Capacitor.

This Week:

1: Do you have something to say?
2: Can you think up a joke for this punchline: “That
was YOUR Salad??”
3: If you put all of the Beach Boys songs back to
back, would you be able to tell when one stoped and
the other started?

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Ind e-Pen XXXVI

By Pixel at September 5, 2004 at 2:29 pm. Filed in ind e-pen

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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For a nice change of pace, I have decided to make this week’s e-mail as emo and livejournally as possible. I don’t know why, but I figure if people care about what I think (which is still debatable), then they’d care about what I feel… I think. Anyway, here goes:

June 29, 1997, 10:59 PM

Everything is so sad. Just the other day, right after I bought this lottery ticket for a friend, then I saw a little kid not tie his shoe correctly, so I weeped into the ticket, effectively ruining it. But it turns out that the ticket would have won $25,000 and my friend thinks I’m holding out on him (which I am, but not monetarily).
Oh, it’s ever so sad. Why can’t life go the way I want it to just once??
For instance, the other day, I was in bed with three Foxy ladies, and it turned out that just when I saw the clock, it turned to 5:29, and I don’t have to tell YOU what that means!
Oh, why is the world so sad?
It all hates me!!
So very sad.
I think I’ll cry about how sad it is.
And now write a haiku about it:

I am a sad, little boy
I cry and cry and am very sad
I wish I had a good toy

Plus, guess what happened the other day? I ran into Bill Clinton and got him to change the country. You can find my entire interview here [link not responding]!

June 29, 1997, 11:00 PM

Oh, Gosh! You won’t believe what just happened!!!!!!!!! (plus several other unnecessary exclamation marks)! You know Todd, right? And Zack? Well, their step-father’s half-uncle twice removed on his mother’s side’s former roommate, Bill, who you recall hit on me during Kimberly’s birthday party where she did that thing with that rival school’s football second-stringers? Well, he just ran into a website that HE SAYS has a better brownie recepee (misspelled to show how excited I am whilst typing this) than I DO!!!
What a jerk-off! So I yelled at him and told him his mom sucks big ones. I hope this doesn’t effect my relationship with Todd, who is doing some weird things that I’m just not going to put up with anymore.

September 5, 2004, 3:05 AM

Sorry I haven’t written in so long, I had to go through puberty and then… well, things just went to hell. I’ll sum it up for you in one of the haiku’s that I’m going to print into a book that hopefully I can print six copies of (for only $360!!!) and distribute around here. Hopefully, word of mouth will spread, I’ll get a Pulitzer Prize, and then die the happiest man in the world with my poetry being required reading for grades 3 - 5 and 9 - 12.
My dad already read it and told me that he thought it was “sophisticated.” Oh, I just hope everyone loves it!

September 5, 2004, 3:09 AM

Has anyone ever heard that song that’s like “bomp, bomp, bomp, boom, boom, bomp, boom, bomp, bomp?” I have that stuck in my head.
Current Mood: Perplexed
Current Music: bomp, bom, bomp, boom, boom, bomp, boom, bomp, bomp

September 5, 2004, 3:16 PM

Sorry about being late with the e-mail. It turns out that I had my security settings set so that I couldn’t compose or reply to e-mails. Ha ha ha… Sigh

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to, um, let’s say Miguel Rivera. Free issue for you. Yey.

1: Do you have a livejournal/online diary/eGroup?

2: Can you think of a funny pick up line that I haven’t heard (okay, read on the Internet)?

3: What’s your favorite food-related euphemism or innuendo?

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