Ind e-Pen # XLIV, The love of a man and his Ro-but

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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Rod Serling: Portrait of a man on the edge. Composing an elec-tronic mail to his fans, friends, and foes in the not too distant future. A future populated by ro-buts, wars on ideas, and strange folk in full color. This future is strange indeed, but for one man it will soon get stranger. For his message will take a detour before anybody reads it. A detour through– the Twilight Zone.

Me: Stupid Printing Place had to take so friggin’ long… and I worked my bum off to research the information on this cool graph, too. Hmm… what if I just attach it to this e-mail? Surely people will open it and be better voters for it? Surely…

Guidelines to Surviving a Twilight Zone Episode
—————————————————–
1. You are wrong.
2. The man you think is crazy is right.
3. Children are scary.
4. Do not bet, do not take a bet, in fact, just advise everyone to not bet.
5. Anybody who is afraid has good reason to be afraid.
6. Your fear of something is worse than the actual thing.
7. Do not wish for anything, because it will come true.
8. Ro-buts are evil. A healthy distrust is good.
9. Except when they are not and the healthy distrust causes bad stuff to happen.
10. War is terrible. If you live in a nation at war, try to spend as much time as possible in a bank vault.
11. Kids’ toys are evil. Do not let anyone give your kid a toy.
12. Unless it’s Christmas.
13. When encountering aliens, walk softly and carry a big stick.
14. Sure, Death is reversible, but not in any fun way.
15. Mr.Death is actually nice once you get to know him, but you probably won’t live through the encounter… just like Martha Stewart.
16. Stay away from time travelling planes or planes with people recently released from a mental institution
17. Absolutely NEVER take part in a bet that involves a dead man.
18. If you don’t join your crazy friend, you’ll regret it.
19. All your faults will be reversed– but only for a limited time!
20. If you have a super power, it will kill you.

Types of Love You may have for me:
—————————————-
Psychological
1. Limerence (basically just infatuation)
2. Charity (aww… thanks. Unfortunately, this requires no love back from me. Sorry)
3. Lust (please, please, please, please)
4. Companionate (basically, the Will to my Grace)
5. Fatuous (ha ha! I just called you Obeseuous!)
6. Consummate (not likely… so sad)

Greek
7. Conjugal (visits?)
8. Erotic (YES!!!)
9. Agape (as in to the gods, I’m not That cool– yet)

Philial
10. Maternal (as in motherly, eew…)
11. Paternal (as in fatherly, eew, yet strangely conforting..)
12. Fraternal (as in brotherly)
13. Platonic (as in friendly)

Ideal
14. Patriotism (All hail Pixelonia!)
15. Dignity (… wait…)
16. Integrity (huh?)

Top thirteen Emotions You may feel
—————————————-
1. acceptance (I guess if that’s what you want to feel..)
2. anger (You Better Not!)
3. anticipation (Oh, I can’t wait to see if you choose this!)
4. disgust (Ugh. It’s just like you, too)
5. fear (Please don’t choose this. I’m ever so scared)
6. guilt (It’s my fault you chose this…)
7. hate (SCREW YOU, YOU UGLY FACE!!!!)
8. joy (Yey! You’re joyous!)
9. jealousy (I wanted to be jealous)
10. love (… wait. What Type of Love?)
11. remorse (Oh, if only I had been remorseful)
12. sorry :(That sucks)
13. surprise (Yah! I never expected That one!)

A Small Quiz:
I’m gonna go with… Cassie! For posting the excellent picture of Butt. Ha ha! Oh, awesome hat. Anyway, she gets a free Pix Capacitor. And Butt, for being an excellent picture of Butt- Gets nothing. HA!

This Week:
1: Have you ever heard of Paul Krassner (paulkrassner.com)? Apparently he’s cooler than we are. And I don’t say that lightly because I’m pretty friggin’ cool.
2: How do YOU pronounce “robot?”
3: How do you love me? Or is it another emotion you feel?

Serling: His elec-tronic message is over. But now the true test begins. For his message will now reach about three people just on the other side of– The Twilight Zone.

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Newer poll for indepen

Enter your vote today! A new poll has been created for the indepen group:

Just a quick question: Who are you voting for for president?

I wanna know…

• Michael Badnarik (lib)
• George W. Bush (rep)
• David Cobb (green)
• John Kerry (dem)
• Ralph Nader (ind)
• Michael Peroutka (constit)
• Other
• Not Decided
• Can’t Vote
• Won’t Vote

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Ind e-Pen # XLIII, 200400854 or Pixel fought the law…

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
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Before I get into this week’s e-mail, I’m surprised nobody knew the candidates for president in last week’s questions. David Cobb (Green), Michael Badnarik (Libertarian), and Michael Peroutka (Constitution) are all also running to be our next el presidente. I suggest you look up Peroutka, if only for entertainment value: www.peroutka2004.com

Case #200400854
—————————-

So, anyway, back to my incessant war with the Parking Nazii.
Everyone hates their Parking Department. It doesn’t matter if you’re a regular Nazi, Jewish, or Palestinian- we all feel the same way when we find one of those little slips of paper on our windshield wipers.
Every year I go out of my way to prod people into imminent lawless action against the Parking Nazii (I also advocate Sedition against the United States every two years, but we’ll discuss that later).
Anyway, I won’t print any of the following until the matter is cleared up in the courts, but since I doubt many of you are in cahoots with the law, I’ll tell you what happened.

It all started when I came upon my automobile and noticed that it had a boot on it. No, it wasn’t preparing for winter or trying to make a fashion statement (the angry answer to both is: IT’S NEW MEXICO!!!), the Parking Nazii had booted my car for unpaid parking tickets.
“Now why, Carlos, would you park illegally if you had unpaid parking tickets?”
Well, I didn’t. I was parked legally, but according to University policy, they can tow or boot a car regardless of its status. Crap! Says I, so I changed the tire and drive home on the spare (this is the legal story. What you might call the *shakes his head no* truth).
The next day (yesterday, Friday, October 22, 2004), I went to my classes, then walked into the Parking Nazii office to contest the boot.
They were like “You can’t contest a boot,” and I was like ‘you can now, I wanna contest a boot,’ and they’re like “You can’t contest a boot,” and I’m like, ‘well I’m going to,’ and they’re like “You can’t contest a boot,” and I’m like ‘watch me,’ and they’re like “You can’t contest a boot,” and I’m like ‘yeah… I can,’ and they’re like “Well, it’s nice that you think that, but if you don’t pay the fine, we’re going to tow your car,” and I’m like, ‘that’s not a problem, I already took my car home,’ and they’re like “Stay right there so that I can come around and arrest you.”

I called my friend Alicia and asked her to see if she could get ahold of other people for me because I was being arrested.
This guy, Police Commander Stephen A. Lopez (505 646 3311) had everyone in the building working on getting my information and information against and about me. He patted me down, put all of my stuff in a bag and handcuffed me to a metal bench… more action than I get in an average schoolyear, but still.
Anyway, right then I asked for a lawyer which made Lopez call someone (probably the operator) and tell them “He asked for his lawyer, so take your time.”
They took my prints, got all of the ‘evidence’ they needed, and took a mugshot (all the while treating me like a spuzz. They tried the oldest Gestapo scare tactics imagineable. I half expected them to say my accomplice had already confessed. They took their time in processing me (just under four hours) so that no judge would be able to see me and so that I would have to spend the night in prison.
Then this one guy showed up (Inspector Charles Franco). He asked me why I wasn’t willing to give back the boot. I asked him what he was talking about. It seems that the charge (Larceny $250 to $2,500) required that I have no intention to return the item. A fact I was not made aware of until after I had already confessed to everything (everything being the NOT violating of the law).
They left me alone with a bald secretary-type man then (Supv Paul D. Stinnett stinnet@nmsu.edu). I asked him if I could speak to Lopez (who you’ll recall was the spuzz that brought me there to begin with). When I didn’t want to look at his ugly Badnarik-type face, he was always there, but the moment I request him, he doesn’t show up for 50 minutes.
When he DID show up, he was a codswalloping asshole, saying “I can’t give you any advice, you requested a lawyer.” I tried to reason the matter out from what I could gather (seeing as they had never informed me of my rights or of what the charge they were charging me with was based on). So, listening to Lopez be an ass for another ten minutes, I talked to Franco (the detective fellow from earlier).
They took off my handcuffs, I walked into his office and we talked. He ‘talked to the DA/judge’ and he let me go on the condition that I bring the boot back that night. I did.

elapsed time arrested: 3:30
elapsed time before they read me my rights: 3:12
# of trips to Cruces and back (an 80 mile round trip): 2
# of friends who became aware of my predicament within minutes of it happening: 4.
# of friends that willingly came to see if they could get me out: 1.
Cops I now hate: 2
Cops I now like: 2.5 (the bald guy wasn’t so bad, and the guy I talked to when I brought the tire was downright likeable).
Parking Nazii I now hate: 1 (personally, I hate all of them as a group)
Parking Nazii I now like: 0.0000000000000
How old I was when I was first arrested: 19 years, 4 months, 23 days.

A Small Quiz:
I’m sorry to both T.Rob and Butt, but one of your answers– like one of your peni (psst! not T. Rob!)–is inadequate. Thus, no Pix Capacitor for anyone.

This Week:
1: Have you ever been arrested?
2: A purely hypathetical question: If your friend was arrested, and you knew about it, would you go see what you could do or stay home and wait for your mother to show up?
3: Any comments, questions, or concerns?

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Ind e-Pen # XLII, and now, a word from our sponsors

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
==================
I apologize for not writing yesterday. It’s just that sometimes when the pressure is big, and the crowd expectant, I freeze up. I don’t want to join the group. I’m afraid everyone’s judging me and I cannot enjoy myself.

Announcer: Has this ever happened to you?

Pixel: Yes, I just told you so, damn it.

Announcer: If this has ever happened to you, you probably have Social Anxiety Disorder, a disorder that coincidentally spells out SAD if you look at it closely, which affects as many as 299,999,991 Americans who, up until this commercial, had no idea that they were SAD. They are, though. The prescription drug Zyxqylwx2~yvz– which you cannot get without an uncaring doctor and a signed letter of intent to commit suicide– can treat this disorder with only a high to deadly degree of side-effects.

Pixel: What are other symptoms of SAD?

Announcer: Wouldn’t you much rather hear from paid actors with washboard stomachs immitating people who benefited from taking Zyxqylwx2~yvz at 1/1,000,000th the recommended dose?

Pixel: Well, yeah, sure, but I wanna know the other symptoms, too.

Paid Actor: After taking Zoloft for twelve–

Announcer: –Zyxqylwx2~yvz!!

Paid Actor: Bless you.

Announcer: (No! We changed the name of the drug amid reports of it blinding midgets and turning little boys into badgers with drug problems… Plus we became associated with Rush Limbaugh and nobody wants that)

Paid Actor: Whatever. After taking this drug, I was able to benchpress a Buick, which I was always too sad to do before. This drug also makes beautiful women come up to me and undress. It’s a real problem.

Announcer: When you know more about what’s wrong, you can help make it a little less wrong. And now cue the bouncing blob smiling at a flower.

Pixel: Wait. What about the other symptoms of SAD?

Announcer: Zyxqylwx2~yvz treats other things too! Like Post-Traumatic STRESS dis-or-der,, depression.., PANIC DISORDER!!!, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, PREMENSTRUAL DYSphoric disorder, and even happy stomach, inability to have trouble sleeping, constipation, wet mouth, homosexuality, feeling unusually awake, full-ness, not tremoring from indigestion, sweat, or agitation, and non-blue vision!

Pixel: Oh. What if I only want to cure ONE of those?

Announcer: Homosexuality?

Pixel: It could be something else!

Announcer: I’m sure it could. But, if you’re going to treat ONE thing, you might as well treat a bunch of stuff you don’t have yet!

Pixel: Yeah, I guess… So what were the other symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder.

Announcer: You could be depressed, too!

Pixel: Social. Anxiety. Disorder.

Announcer: In fact, on the way here, I accidentally ran over your dog and raped your grandmother’s corpse.

Pixel: Just tell me the symptoms.

Announcer: (phew! That confession was easier than I thought!). Okay, other symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder are nervousness around other people, being afraid of making a mistake, feeling like a fool, avoiding certain people, places, or social events, sweating, blushing, trembling, accelerated heartbeat.

Pixel: That happens everytime I meet a new cute girl.

Announcer: … Yeah. Okay.

Pixel: I meet girls!

Announcer: I didn’t say you didn’t.

Pixel: You didn’t say I did.

Announcer: Didn’t I?

Pixel: You didn’t.

Announcer: Sorry.

Pixel: It’s okay. But doesn’t social anxiety strike EVERYONE at some point or another?

Announcer: Yeah, but it’s orderly for them. This is a disorder. That, if you’ll look at my original statistic, affects everyone except for the nine people you happen to talk to in any given day.

Pixel: That makes me feel anxious.

Announcer: We knew it would.

Pixel: How can I find out more information?

Announcer: Why are you talking to a commercial? You stupid, stupid man.

Pixel: Sorry.

Announcer: It’s okay.

A Small Quiz:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for calling Butt a homo and making him so sad (or whatever) that he didn’t respond. She gets a free Pix Capacitor for her ordeal.

This Week:
1: Do you have Social Anxiety Disorder? Be careful what you answer, we’re all staring at you.
2: Do you have PMDD, PTSD, OCD, NAACP, ACLU, GDP, or WMD?
3: Have you ever heard of David Cobb, Michael Badnarik, or… the other guy? You know… Mikey Peroutka?

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Ind e-Pen # XLI, on Butt’s Musical Debut

The Ind e-Pen
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Introduction
==================
Hm. People seemed pretty divided over last week’s e-mail. Interestingly, the division seemed to be exactly at Butt (notice I didn’t make a crack there? I could’ve, you know. It was an open shot). Now, let us further discuss things that will alienate my good friend the Butt.

Girls
———–
Hey, let’s all discuss girls in depth. Specifically everything that we have

learned that could only be obtained from practicing with real-life women! Wouldn’t that be FUN???
(note: I hear that Butt has a girlfriend now, but I also hear that there was never a Holocaust. Implausible things have to be taken with a grain of salt, you know…)

Green Bay Packers
———————–
Or what about those Packers? Don’t they just pack chocolate? While homosexually sodomizing each other? Discuss.

Detroit Red Wings
———————–
See, now, as a Vegetabletarian, I can’t eat these wings, but it’s probably for the best. Their high levels of suck would cause my head to implode. Hm. *pop*

Republicans
—————–
Say, notice how Republicans only seem to look out for those people that own businesses? What is up with that? And why do they hate the environment, black people, gay people, chicks, middle easterners, and wetbacks ever so much? What did we ever do to them? Not clean their boots well enough? And what’s with this pro-war, pro-militerization deal? Discuss.

CRU
———
No, I don’t think I’ll pick on the Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC? Hmm… Now, if all of these C’s are hard C’s, does that mean we could replace them with K’s and it’d sound the same? Hmm…).

livejournals
——————
No need to mock him here. You can go to Butt’s livejournal:

www.livejournal.com/users/gorzo88 and do it there.

John Cusack (from the hit movies High Fidelity, Serendipity, Identity, Uppity,

etc.)
—————–
I’m not sure if Butt hates Cusack or loves him, but it’s a fair assumption that he knows of him. So I just thought I’d mention that I saw him at a rally. It turns out that this year there are hundreds of people up in arms about the election. John Cusack is one of them.
So I went there and converted the rally into my own personal Pix Capacitor distribution center. Aren’t you all proud?

A Small Quiz:

Congratulations to my dual-citizen friend. Your cowardly (err… conscientious) ways have won you a free Pix Capacitor. Specifically, Butt’s Pix Capacitor. Thus, Mr. J. B. Trust, if you can steal Butt’s issue, you’ll be golden. I recommend you wait until he gets killed in combat. That’s how I’m planning to get his stereo and/or girlfriend.

This Week:

1: Why DO I always talk smack about Butt?
2: Why don’t YOU talk smack about Butt?
3: Am I the only one that feels like smacking a Butt?

p.s. From now until November, I won’t make fun of Butt. Wish me luck. It’ll be ever so difficult…

p.p.s. http://www.latimes.com//news/politics/election-test-fl,0,1851284.flash

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