Everyone else has had more sex than me

Literally. This Straight Edge stuff is hard.

But that’s me: Socially Promiscuous, Fiscally Conservative, but a Personal Prude.
Not only do I not drink, smoke, or do drugs, but I avoid meat, products that were tested on animals or created in sweatshops, religion, and prescription medicine.

You know, all of life’s little evils.

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How my birthday was

I bought my own birthday cake, I watched a 1960s movie with my mom, and I broke into my friend’s house to use his X-Box and play Halo 2… Alone.

Materialistically, I also got a lot of good stuff (notably a shirt, two pairs of pants, swimming trunks, two birthday cards, an e-card, and a flash animation).

So, um, yeah, it was good.

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Score!

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday dear Pixel,
Happy Birthday to me!

I’m twenty, bitches.

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The Tally is In

My life as a teenager:
84.5 viewspapers
56 e-viewspapers
a full-length play
a one-act play
a semi-started sitcom, book, and screenplay
dozens of short stories
a nice collection of quotes and witticisms
a trinity of crazy-ass ex-girlfriends
over a hundred friends and friendly acquaintances in eight states and four countries
one arrest
three traffic citations (one successfully contested)
over $200 in parking citations
illegality and adventure
pranks and misdemeanors
a 4.0 high school GPA and a 3.8 college GPA
a 33 ACT (after five previous tries
two leading roles
thespianity
several awards nobody ever cares about
five jobs
entering and graduating high school
entering college
going on exchange
going vegetarian
becoming political
formulating a coherent ethical theory and practicing ethical consumerism
a parent’s divorce
a brother’s joining the army and going to war
contemplating various careers before focusing on none-at-all
being loved
and maybe even a few fans.

Last Year: Ind e-Pen XXII
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100 Greatest? Hardly.

AOL and the Discovery Channel have compiled a list of the 100 Greatest Americans (presumably ever), as have I. The following names should not be on the list for various reasons:

• Barbara Bush
• George H. W. Bush
• George W. Bush
• Laura Bush
• Jimmy Carter
• Bill Clinton
• Hillary Rodham Clinton
• Bill Cosby
• Tom Cruise
• Ellen DeGeneres
• Clint Eastwood
• John Edwards
• Brett Favre
• Mel Gibson
• Billy Graham (now if it were 100 worst Americans, maybe…)
• Tom Hanks
• Michael Jackson
• Michael Jordan
• Rush Limbaugh
• Madonna
• Phil McGraw
• Barack Obama
• Condoleezza Rice
• Arnold Schwarzenegger
• Martha Stewart
• Pat Tillman (sad, maybe, but great? Nah. Especially compared to George Washington and Thomas Jefferson)
• Oprah Winfrey
• Tiger Woods

If you have any question on why these people shouldn’t be on the top 100 list, please note that they are all alive and media sensations of some kind. Just like I don’t decide to buy ab rollers at 2:00 a.m., the country shouldn’t decide to elect these people because we have them in our national consciousness.

Last Year: Ind e-Pen XXII
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