A three-star general interest publication

Gabe’s Boogers and Bullets

By Gabe the Beaver at May 3, 2005 at 7:51 pm. Filed in note to self

Dear Readers,
I just finished the Wikipedia Americana. Yes, I know I started off reading the Encyclopædia Canadia, but that’s just one of my quirks. I always finish things I didn’t even start. It’s the reason my divorce was so complicated—
I never married that bitch!
I married that beaver!

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————


Dear Gabe,
You never answered the second part of my question: what’s the nutritional value of boogers?
-Joe Jessy


Dear Joe,
Your body gets rid of the buggers for a reason (wow, first time a British insult has come in handy when I wasn’t around the late Queen). They’re not good for you. Nasal mucus is 95 percent water. The other five percent includes proteins, fats, carbohydrates, salt, dirt, and germs. So it doesn’t particularly hurt you, but it gives you bad breath (hey! It was research!), looks bad, and is just plain gross. Besides, the healthy beaver nose produces more than a pint of snot a day, you just don’t realize it because little hairs called cilia beat along the passages to move the mucus down the back of the throat. Yum, yum.

Dear Gabe,
I saw someone up on a high tower with a high-powered rifle. He said he wanted to hurt people, but I just thought he was going to the cafeteria. He gave me a list and said “You know what to do,” but I don’t! Do you think I should go to the cafeteria to look for him?
—Joe Jagear


Dear Joe,
Not if you don’t want to look stupid. If he said “you know what to do” and meant it, then you should probably go from person to person on the list and find out what they have in common before he catches you and thinks less of you. You wouldn’t want an unstable, total stranger to think less of you, would you?

So, I recommend you target the straight-shooters first. They’re sharp and won’t give you any bull so that you’ll go through the list quickly. Get the lead out, you don’t want to have to rifle through the list at the last minute. Besides, high caliber people could hammer this task out in minutes.

Just don’t rush it. You never know when you’ll be in this guy’s sights…

—Gabe—


| No Comments

Note to Self: Brain space for sale, will take any offer

By Pixel at May 3, 2005 at 6:01 pm. Filed in note to self

Note to Self: Ibook, youbook, we all book for Facebook!

Note to Self: That rhyme doesn’t work with anything but Myspace.

Note to Self: What’s Myspace?

Note to Self: What’s Facebook?

Note to Self: I don’t know. I’m Australian.

Note to Self: You’re going to Australia. Read the paper before you go and say something really stupid.

Note to Self: No can do, I’m a neocon. Who has the time?

Note to Self: Wait. You’re not reading it, I’m not reading it, if this isn’t the Methodist church or a liberal arts class, I don’t know what it is!

Technorati Profile


| No Comments

Sorcerer’s Stone Dumbledore 3

By Pixel at May 3, 2005 at 5:59 pm. Filed in note to self

Pixel Q. Styx: ‘Tis a good title, you think?

Albus Dumbledore: I love it. In fact, it’s good enough to be a movie title!

Pixel: Oh, like the hit book of the same name, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince?

Dumbledore: I have no clue what you’re talking about. Who’s the half-blood prince?

Pixel: I don’t know. Are you the half-blood prince?

Dumbledore: No, but I heard that your mom was the half-blood prince.

Pixel: You know, I would never have thought of you as hip.

Dumbledore: The word ‘hip’ is so unhip. All the cool peeps are calling it ‘chill’ now.

Pixel: Okay, then it’s ‘chill.’

Dumbledore: Are you still with that? ‘Chill…’ That’s so five minutes ago.

Pixel: But it was cool five seconds ago!

Dumbledore: Yeah, was cool. Stress on the past tense.

Pixel: Okay, what’s cool now?

Dumbledore: Me, Will Ferrell, and foam Jacuzzis.

Pixel: What a terrible visual… are you just making it up as you go along?

Dumbledore: No.

Pixel: Are you lying?

Dumbledore: I’m afraid that question is impossible.

Pixel: What do you mean?

Dumbledore: It’s a statement that has no answer that doesn’t contradict itself. For instance, Think For Yourself!!

Pixel: Sure. Whatever you say.

Dumbledore: No, no, I mean, Think for Yourself!!

Pixel: No, I don’t want to!

Dumbledore: Well then. In any case, thanks for changing the title of this column. J.K. Rowling would’ve sued you if you kept it as the “Philosopher’s Stone.”

Pixel: But we got the name from this mystical stone that could change lead into gold.

Dumbledore: I suppose it’s accurate. Your head is looking evermore golden.

Pixel: But I don’t even have the stone yet…

Dumbledore: And your head isn’t precious yet.

Pixel: I don’t get it.

Dumbledore: Okay. How about “your mother is so fat, it’s anatomically impossible for her to not sit on her ass.”

Pixel: The dozens? I didn’t know you knew snaps.

Dumbledore: Are you kidding? In Wizard’s school I was voted most likely to get Rodney Kinged by the po-po fo’ bitch-slapping their momma.

Pixel: In what school?

Dumbledore: Oh, pudding. Well, it was nice knowing you, any memories you’d like to keep?

Pixel: What do you mean? Who are you?

Dumbledore: But I didn’t do— oh, what the heck. Toodles.

Pixel: Nice to meet you, Toodles…


| No Comments

Notes to Success

By Pixel at May 3, 2005 at 5:00 pm. Filed in note to self

The following is, word for word, the notes that I had for my Pro-PATRIOT Act presentation in which I handed my opponents their bums on a platter:

constitution is a living document
under attack, countries withdraw
C Library records avail. BEFORE PATRIOT Act.

line?

5R What are civil liberties, privacy, rights?
2C The gov’t knew about 9/11, but didn’t put (9/11 comission) it together because the PATRIOT Act was gone
2R Everyone abuses their authority. You don’t throw away the tree because the apple was bad.
3R They are providing a vivid horror story. If it’s true, we should be scared. Right? Wrong. This is a fallacy. By vividly describing one side, they make it seem more common. It’s not.
4R The PATRIOT Act targets terrorists, not civilians, Thinking it could target you is at best conceited, at worst paranoid.
1R When was the PATRIOT Act supposed to be passed? A year later? Isn’t it enough that no attacks have happened?
C Life is most important right.The R stands for Rebuttal, the C for Conclusion, the numbers are the order I planned on presenting that part of the argument.
Interestingly enough, using these shoddy notes, absolutely no studying or research, staying calm, and listening to their side to use my philosophic training against, I was able to completely dominate the debate and score a 19.4 our of 20.

See the comments people had:

Good Job! (20/20)
Used too much emotion without enough facts in rebuttal. Good common sense reasoning but needed more factual reasoning. Overall good job. (18/20)
Good job over all =) I like how you went through every argument they made and answered it piece by piece, it proved you did your reserach. good closing! I like how you pointed out how they couldn’t answer your questions. (20/20)
Very strong arguments. I disagree with them, but it definatly Made me consider the other side. Very Good!! (20/20)
(20/20)
(20/20)
Way to keep cool! It was a tough topic. (20/20)
–sorry Im confused today Great closing - intresting question in Rebuttal (19/20)
calm & informative. Good Job! I wouldn’t “come back” if you punched me, I’d knock the ____ out of you! :-) Good Job! (19/20)
(19/20)
Carlos always has such great commentary (19/20)


| No Comments

Page 1 of 11

Powered by WordPress with Pool theme design by Borja Fernandez.
Valid XHTML and CSS. ^Top^