Cover Letter for a Non-Paying Job

To Whom it May Concern,

I received my Ph.D. in Phrenological Psychology from Amsterdam University in 1993. After that, I opened an independent practice where I promptly drew criticisms for my support of eugenics in primates (Eugenic Nullification, I called it).

When my practice failed, I took up a job in the circus. That’s right: I took tickets for a living.

Despite this minor setback, I managed to get a job dispensing advice for Panther Tracks in 1998. Slightly before the publication folded, I went to work for a local newsletter and transferred to Carver’s BT in March of 2001. It was there where I experienced the life-changing divorce that made me a Taoist.
Since then, I’ve welcomed my readers with the various mini-adventures that I’ve undertaken including reading an encyclopedia, eating a restaurant, divorcing 2.5 women, voting for Badnarik, exposing my rabid bias against tall people, and convincing them all that they share my deep-running lime-green state values.
I’m a multi-lingual Dutch-Canadian who knows all about psychotic disorders through first, third, and fourth-hand experiences. I have a Bachelor’s in Cross-Gendered Studies and have run into every problem humans have many times over. Furthermore, as I hate most humans, I am the perfect person to tell them what to do.

Qualifications to actually give advice come from years of earning trust and living wisely. Since I’m a psychologist and don’t have the time to do this with every patient, I make up for it by keeping all of my degrees displayed prominently (and polishing them every fortnight). People usually ask me silly questions and I respond in kind, but when someone has a serious problem, I am as serious as a non-silly bout of cancer.

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