Goodie Grab Bag IV

1: Have you ever seen Total Recall?
2: Yeah, but I can’t remember it.

Oh my gosh! I need SPF 40, they have 60 Watt lightbulbs in there!

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, which is two times more often than a clock that’s ten minutes fast. Of course, if given the choice, I’d prefer the one that’s ten minutes fast because at least it’s always close to the real time instead of just accidentally hitting it every once in a while.

Damn, that teacher schooled me.

2: Just once, I want to see an elimination movie where you don’t know who’s going to survive at the end.
1: Like the black guy?
2: Whoa, whoa there. The world’s not ready for a black guy to survive an entire movie.

“Aww, baby, they screwed up at the front desk! They accidentally gave us two beds!”

1: Are you okay, you seem depressed.
2: No, I’m fine. You’re projecting. It’s a psychological term for when you feel something yourself, but you trick yourself into seeing it in other people’s behavior. It’s okay, everyone does it.
1: Oh.
2: Are you coming on to me?

I was so narcissistic, I’d call out my own name in bed. Then, when I hit rock bottom, my self-esteem was so low I accidentally called myself by the wrong name.

1: Have you ever had somebody agree with you when you wish they wouldn’t? Because they harm your argument more than they help it?
2: Yeah, because they’re Jewish? And they keep spinning that dreidel and calculating how much money you owe them?

My intro. to philosophy was great. Today, we had an exhaustive study on women philosophers. Those were some of the most insightful five minutes of my life.

2: If you ask a question while engaging in some serious rhetoric, is that a rhetorical question?
1: Well, I–
2: That was a rhetorical question.

My father left before he taught me how to shave… he’s been gone a year now.

1: I’m going to stop talking to people altogether.
2: Huh?
1: I said, “I’m going to stop talking to people altogether.”
2: You need to work on that.

I always eat my caviar in nibbles and drink my wine with crazy straws.

2: I tried committing suicide once. I just sat in bed, staring at a jar of pills that I had in my hand for two hours.
1: And you couldn’t do it?
2: Nah, they were Flintstones vitamins.

Elementary kids are so short, I could go by a line of them and jab out my elbow at random intervals and only knock out every fifth kid.

Any joke I say is more jokes than you can laugh at.

(if you can’t beat ‘em, drown ‘em)

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I cried because I had nowhere to sit until I met a guy with a funny haircut

Have I ever told you all about my hidden racism towards white people? I mean, I don’t hate all white people, just whitey in general. But I say it like I do. I go around Klansmen and make jokes that deride white mommas and just generally enjoy carte blanche because people think I am white.

I’m not.

Okay, I am, but I’m not of European descent.

Okay, I am, but the three closest generations lived next to a bunch of non-Europeans for so long that I culturally identify with them.

Okay, that is to say I would, had I grown up with them instead of around all white people.

In any case, I find it hilarious that I can be as racist as I want to be and not have anyone say anything. That is to say I did find it hilarious.

Until I actually met someone that was racist (seriously, in 2005, no less). Not against white people though, because who doesn’t hate honkies? No, this person hated Asians.

Which makes me feel odd about encouraging it. Racism isn’t funny (unless its towards white people or those funny races like ’smurf’). Racism is just wrong.

So now I have a dozen white jokes that I don’t want to use anymore. Meeting actual racism has clouded my sense of fake racism being funny. Doesn’t that suck?

I think white people did it.

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Palinode to Phrases that should never be said

And now, an argument for why these phrases should be said.

“You can trust me.” — Picture the following situation: Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are fighting vampires that have cornered them into a treehouse from which there is no escape. Moreover, Anson, Bill, and Count Chocula are afraid that one of them has been bitten and will turn on them in the most inopportune time. If Anson and Count Chocula both say “You can trust me,” you know that it is possible to trust them and thus, by process of elimination, Bill is outed as the vampy-sympathizer and Count Chocula kills him to save Anson and his own life.
And thus, the statement that could never be said, saves the lives of two young men (note: Anson died shortly afterwards, but that’s too depressing to think about, let’s move on).

“Can I kiss you?” – Okay, a girl that has been eaten by a Horrible Gelatinous Blob just gets spit back out and is saved by a handsome knight on, um, a dirt bike or something. She knows that she is icky to look at, but really wants to thank this man in a way that might get her some play later. She says “Can I kiss you?” and, if he accepts, she knows she won’t be feeling lonely tonight.

“Am I happy?” — Alright, now a man sees a picture of himself as a young child. He doesn’t remember that the person taking the picture was Nessy, the lochness monster, but he realizes that there is some emotion being emoted by the kid in the picture and wishes to know if he is in fact happy or if the puddle at his feet is indeed urine.

“We need to talk.” — Please see this comment for what I may just nominate for an Eli in October (more on this later).

“Do you miss me?” — Damion and Elena are estranged lovers that have been speaking on the phone for three hours. Throughout this entire time, Damion has said he misses Elena an average of thirty times per hour, but Elena, so overwhelmed by emotions and trying not to cry, does not reply in kind. After they hang up, Elena feels so loved and is willing to see Damion again, but Damion, having poured himself out in a way guys usually don’t, and having received no responce in kind to let him know he is appreciated, goes to sleep feeling hollow. Had he just said “do you miss me?” and heard her response of “of course, you blasted imbicile,” he might have gone to sleep in a lighter mood (yes, lighter than hollow).

“If you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.” — Necessary if the person listening is blind and just heard the door open and close.

“I could care less.” — Frank can’t stop talking about Grant’s fantastic hair and Haley is tired of listening to the description. When Frank next asks Haley what she thinks of Grant’s hair, she’ll not have a response suitable to shut Frank up. Had she thought of saying “I could care less,” Frank might have gotten the picture and stopped revealing his sexual discomfort.

“Remind me to do ‘your mom’” — Ivan has a terrible memory, Julian does not. Not only that, but he has a PDA, a cell phone, and a computer that all interchange memories so that any entry he puts in one will instantly appear on the other. Ivan, needing to give his grandmother an injection of Insulin, asks Julian to remind him. Had Ivan not asked, he might have forgotten and been responsible for the death of one more grandparent.

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