Your Existence is a Pain

It came to me one day in a ravishing illumination yesterday: humans are outside my moral sphere of consideration.

Consider this:

I believe that pleasure and pain have value in themselves (positive and negative, respectively).
I believe that the ethical thing to do in any circumstance is to reduce the amount of pain and maximize the amount of pleasure for everyone involved (pain first, in much the same way you pay your debts before you start lending money).
Humans are responsible for the cruel, cruel deaths of 43 billion animals per year, 78 million acres (31 million hectares) of trees being logged per year, and an ungodly amount of oil consumed every year.
Killing animals, logging trees that are animal habitats, and consuming oil that pollutes the sky and contaminates animals lungs causes pain in the world.
It is my duty to eliminate humans.

However, since I am also a tool for the prevention of pain and the promotion of pleasure, it is also my duty to not get myself arrested (i.e. if I eliminate 12 dolors of pain now and get arrested for it, it’ll prevent my eliminating 24 dolors later on). Thus, since it is unfeasible to eliminate humans at will, all I must do is prevent them from acting in such a way as to cause pain to other creatures and not help humans survive when I am able to do so at will.

So my moral obligations are to things that are above fish and below human, to all non-pestilent prey, and all quick-killing predators. In other words, mice and hyennas are out, cows and owls are in.

Hmm… I think I just went full circle in the political spectrum. Aren’t you glad you were here to witness it?

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What a Concept-ion!

Karl,
It’ll be on your computer by Friday.

Love,
Gabe.

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Goodie Grab Bag V

Oh, what the hell? Might as well go for gold. The following is made up on the spot (or as close to the spot as I can get) so as to not lose face to Seth, who threatens to steal my gimmick and be better at it than me.

1: So, do you like… stuff?
2: No, stuff shot my paw.

You can’t beat me at this, I’ve been doing this since I was suckling at your mom’s teat!

3: So there I was, on Dream Date and I had a choice between Quasimodo, the Elephant Man, and Pixel Q. Styx!
4: Oh, my gosh! That’s terrible! So where’s he taking you?
3: Oh, the an isolated moor, his mom’s house for dinner, the bell tower…

I wish I could take back my own birth, and yours, and several dozen other people’s. Oh, wait, I can! It’s called death!

2: Ask me if I have any relatives in New Orleans.
1: Do you have any relatives in New Orleans?
2: Not Anymore, you insensitive bastard!

You don’t know Bruce Lee? You know, from the Green Hornet? Enter the Dragon? Way of the Dragon? Kiss of the Kitty?

1: You don’t look like the picture in your wallet.
2: I shouldn’t. He and I don’t get along.

It’s not that I don’t like him, it’s just that he represents everything I detest in humanity and should be annihilated like the vermin he is.

1: You dance it, Pixel! Hang out with your wang out!
2: Yeah, thanks…
1: Rock out with your cock out!
2: But then wouldn’t I stick out?

If the Bible was a mathematical number, it’d be pi, because it’s irrational.

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