Know Comment

I’ve noticed that some posts don’t even trickle in the blogospherical psyche while some seem to gather comments like they’re going out of style (which they are. Comments are so last season).

For a long time I assumed it was the quality of the post that made people comment. Sort of a “righto chap!” to the general bloggitude.

But then I read this and didn’t comment. I end up doing that a lot in Moof’s and breakerslion’s posts. I’m not sure why. It’s not that they’re bad posts, often they write some of the best stuff I read every day.

I guess I just feel like any comment I do will lessen the post.

Like whenever somebody tells you a really sad story and it’s engaging and captivating and enthralling and you find yourself listening and wondering what’s going to happen. Then they finish and ask you for a reaction: sometimes you have something fantastic to say because they piqued your imagination or curiousity, but other times you find yourself at a loss.

Thus, I find that there are nine main reasons why most people comment:

1. To show the writer/readers that they were there and read the post or a prior comment.
2. To attack or defend a point made in the post or a prior comment.
3. To crack a joke.
4. To comment on something completely unrelated (usually these are people asking for something or people you know in real life commenting on real events).
5. To show emotional or intellectual appreciation for the post or a prior comment.
6. To express emotional or intellectual dislike for the post or a prior comment. (This can be as simple as a ‘…‘ or as rude as swearing.)
7. To get people to visit your blog or website (SPAM, SPAM, SPAM. Even if it’s a legitimate person doing it, it’s SPAM).
8. To question the post or a portion of the post (or a prior comment).
9. Because the writer asks them to.

To wit:

1. I’m here.
2. You’re wrong/right.
3. Your mom.
4. What about Bob?
5. Bravo, good sir, bravo.
6. Ehh…/Ehh!!!
7. Penis, penis, penis!!!
8. Huh?
9. Comment. There. Happy now?

Last Year: Ind e-Pen # XLVIII a spoofy little druglord
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Tao of Gabe: On Love Analogies

Tao of Gabe

I’m Gabe the Fantastic Beaver and I’m in love. If you have never been in love, it is a strange feeling that I can’t really describe to you but with a series of increasingly terrible metaphors, similes, and analogies.

Love is like oxygen: it’s really a poison, but we need it to live. And if you have too much fire, it is consumed that much more quickly… also it corrodes apples and iron.

Or perhaps love is more like a credit card: you can get what you want now, but the things that you do stay with you far beyond the life of the actual credit card.

Love is like a camera: it captures the moment, but you have to pay to develop it… Unless it’s digital, in which case you can see the moment while you take it and perhaps decide you want to delete it from your memory so as to make room for more moments.

Love is like a fine wine: the deeper the red or whiter the white, the younger it is. Some keeps, some doesn’t, but if you stick a cork in it and lay it on its side for a few years, when you do bring it out, it will be that much more special.

Love is like a terrible analogy: people will scratch their head or laugh at the randomness but if there’s nothing to ‘get’ then even those that ‘get’ it won’t ‘get it’. Get it?

Love is like a VCR: it takes forever to program it, but once you do, you don’t need to touch it again until Daylight Saving Time… or the power goes out.

Love is like a phone: if it’s off the hook, nobody can reach you.

No, wait.

Love is like a phone: it connects you with a person… unless they’re busy, in which case you can connect with another person or try again later.

Love is like a poltergeist. If you’ve experienced it, no matter what anybody else says, nobody can convince you otherwise. It moves you and everything around you. And, if you’re not ready for it, you might be afraid at first and try to run away.

Actually, that last one was pretty good. I’ll stop there. Then, I’m going to content myself with knowing that you’re going to walk around all day thinking about what love is like and trying to come up with a better analogy than me. Luckily, better is relative.

And I have no relatives.

Except for my mom and my cousin Dave.

…But even though he’s an author, he’s not much better than me.

Besides, he’s only written two books: So you’ve ruined your life and its hit sequel, Baby’s first Pop-up.

Love is.

Love is a closing,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: Love lifts us up where we belong… Now look at where you’re standing and think about that for a bit. (Psst! You’re still on the ground.)”

Last Year: Ind e-Pen # XLVIII a spoofy little druglord
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Worth a Gigabyte of memories

When I was 16, my friend decided to go on a midnight hike across a mountain. Not wanting him to die, I went with him– wearing all black– across a mountain that was 40 km across (or 22 gallons).

By the time we came out on the other side, the sun was cooking me alive and we were afraid we’d collapse in dehydration and die.

Since then, I have never once complained about the cost of petrol (or petroul). It’s a luxury. I would rather pay $10 than have to hike to Lane Cove National Park in the rain… again.

Speaking of which, my 20.5th birthday party was yesterday. I spent 4 hours walking in the rain trying to find the bloody location that I kept reassuring everyone really existed. I even crossed a river to get there.

I literally crossed a river in the rain.

So the ‘high water’ part of ‘neither hell nor high water could keep me away’ came true.

Speaking of which, my 1GB jump drive is dead. I’d yell, but what’s the use? These electronic things are far too life-consuming anyway.

To recap:

• that is one digital camera broken,
• one lost 128MB jump drive,
• one broken 128MB jump drive,
• one ruined GB jump drive,
• one royally demolished laptop computer,
• and one broken watch since I’ve been in Australia.

Not to mention the FIVE (5) jump drives and the PDA that I found and gave back or the other jump drive that I found and kept.

Interesting semester for me technologically.

And in other ways too.

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I, Kid (part IV)

My ideal curriculum:

Grade 1:

• Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, simple division.
• English.
• Latin.
• Reading.
• Spelling.
• Art.
• P.E.

Grade 2:

• Large scale addition, Subtraction with Borrowing, Multiplication, Long Division.
• Latin.
• English.
• Choice of Japanese or Chinese.
• Spelling, Grammar.
• Drawing.
• P.E. (swimming)

Grade 3:

• Mathematic Theory
• Reading.
• Japanese or Chinese.
• Choice of French or Spanish.
• Spelling, Grammar.
• Painting.
• P.E.

Grade 4:

• +-x/ of fractions and decimals
• Reading.
• Japanese or Chinese.
• French or Spanish.
• Spelling, Grammar, Writing.
• Painting (various media)
• World History.

Grade 5:

• Pre-Algebra.
• Japanese or Chinese.
• French or Spanish.
• Prose and Poetic Writing.
• Art appreciation/history.
• World History.

Grade 6:

• Algebra.
• Japanese or Chinese.
• French or Spanish.
• Biology.
• Musical Instrument or Voice.
• Writing.
• World History.
• Art or Drama.
• Sex Ed.

Grade 7:

• Algebra II
• Japanese or Chinese.
• French or Spanish.
• Musical Instrument or Voice.
• Biology or Physics or Chemistry or Geology.
• Ancient History.
• Essay Writing.
• Opt Art or Drama.
• P.E.

Grade 8:

• Geometry.
• Japanese or Chinese.
• French or Spanish.
• Geography.
• Biology or Physics or Chemistry or Geology.
• Musical Instrument or Voice.
• Research Writing.
• Opt. Art or Drama.
• P.E.

Grades 9-12 (required):

• Advanced Math (2 years, one in grades 11 or 12)
• English (4 years)
• Languages (min. of 2)
• Dance (one year. Trust me on this: at some point, everyone wishes they could dance)
• National History.
• Economics/Law/Media/Current Affairs
• World Religions/Anthropology.
• Biology.
• Physics.
• Literature.
• European History.
• Asian History.
• World History.
• Philosophy or Debate.
• Ethics.
• Comm. Skills or Drama or Public Speaking or Debate.
• Health or Finance or Home Ec. or Mechanics.
• P.E.

Grades 9-12 (electives):

• Latin or Greek or German or Italian or Portuguese.
• Alternate Sports or Weight Training.
• Chemistry, Anatomy, Astronomy, Geology, etc.
• All AP Classes
• Music, Drama, Art, etc.
• Psychology, Sociology, etc.
• Study Abroad (3.5 GPA and higher).

No classes shall employ ‘busy work.’ All teaching shall lean towards practice over theory and constant refreshers will be employed until the comprehensive final of each year. Graduation shall require satisfactory completion of all coursework and a satisfactory mark on the statewide examination.

Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated.

(and if I hear one more person say that I’m overestimating children, I will to scream)

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Pixelated Gaming

I’ve created a bunch of games over my lifetime. Here, in all their glory, are all the ones I could find in the archives:

“People projecting their labels on you projekt:“
hold hands with a friend of yours of the opposite sex for one day. See if you can make it 24 hours without anybody commenting. After that, try groping each other for one day.

“Fun with Spell Check:”
the aim of this game is to type in two identical sentences and have one of them spell-checked (always picking the first recommended word).

“Win, Lose, or Drew:”
Get online just as someone posts something, then keep changing the page until the person realizes that they’re being messed with.

“A False Sense of Humor:”
Say something in such a way that people laugh or otherwise react immediately then pause while the whole meaning of what you said hits them and react to the whole of it. In other words, try to mislead them into a reaction while seeming like you didn’t. Uncomfortable hilarity ensues.

“Tempting Death:”
Stop looking both ways before crossing the street, stop using seat belts, stop all of life’s little preventive measures for your safety. Alternatively, find a street with a dozen stop signs in a row and drive your car down it at 200 kmph without stoping at any of them.

“Person, Person, Walking Advertisement:”
The goal is to find the most people in a row without running into somebody that is wearing clothes or carrying objects that have a name brand or logo prominently displayed.So you go by walking on campus and you say “person” over and over again until you run into someone wearing a giant Addidas shirt (for instance), then you start over again.

“Oil Crisis in Action:”
The goal is to find the most cars in a row that have just one person in them. Double points for Suburbans or SUVs. Once you find a car that has two people or more, you must start over.

“Double Take:”
The aim of the game is to make people do double takes. The person that gets the most in one day wins. So far I’ve always won as I’ve never shared the aim of the game with anybody.

“Oomph maximization projekt:”
Get Twelve Hugs and a Laugh Today.

“Intelligence in Inappropriate Places projekt::”
What intelligence is there in places you’d least suspect? Let’s look in bathroom stalls and random walls to find thoughts to live by for one day.

“You’re never going to guess who, trust me:”
Come up behind a total stranger (extra points if they’re talking in a group) and cover their eyes. They will try to guess who you are. After a minute, uncover their eyes and when they ask “do I know you?”Say, “of course not, what would be the fun of the game if you did?”

“98% Fewer:”
While not getting arrested:

• prevent humans from acting in such a way as to cause pain to other creatures
• not help humans survive when I am able to do so at will
• find a way to eliminate humans that is socially acceptable (or create a coalition of people whose purpose is to eliminate humans, and is accepted by society)
• sterilize humans.

“Nerd Heckling:”
While listening to a serious speech you disagree with, shout out random (or stastically inconsequential) comments like, “Your mom and I did the 1000101!” or “The question to life, the universe, and everything is how many times over does your speech suck!” or “you roll 3d20 and get snake eyes, oooh, pwned!”

“Extreme Analogies (new!):”
Every time somebody says a qualifier, respond with the formula of “yeah, but not as [qualifier] as [random, absurdly complicated extreme].”
For instance:
“That was uncomfortable.”
“Not as uncomfortable as a 400 pound man doing the tango naked with a Mother Superior in front of sixteen primary school children!”

“Random Hurtful Hypotheticals:”
An idea for a new game came to me while posing an obscenely hurtful thought experiment to my mate over the question of trust. The game is thus:

2: Imagine you realized one day that you were terrible in bed and had been for years and that every encounter you had had left the woman feeling worse than before, but nobody said anything to not hurt your feelings. Then you found out that they’d told every one of your friends this behind your back and they’d filmed an encounter and
giftwrapped it and were planning on giving it to your mother for Christmas as a
prank. How would you feel?
1: Pretty damn awful. Why?
2: No reason, I just thought I’d ask.
1: Oh.

“Random Intelligence:”
The point is for me to provide you with five to ten new (to me) facts, figures, or stories. These need not be particularly rare, important, or obvious, but interesting and true. The goal is to cover the huge gulf that is my ignorance of the world around me with a few random facts that I can throw out if I ever have to discuss these in public.

“Mean juxtaposition:”
Combine two extreme opposites in a list in the hopes that the person you’re talking to (preferrably on IM) will respond to the first and expected last as one… only to realize too late that they were just jerks.

Example:

2: So, I got a new puppy today…
1: That’s nice.
2: And a 100 % on my Final exam…
1: cool, cool.
2: And I got a new girlfriend and a new DVD player…
2: And I found out I have two weeks left to live.
1: Congrats
1: Wait. No! Sorry. I’m talking about the gf and DVD player.
2: Bastard.
2: Oh.. sorry.
2: You’re still a bastard, though… jackass.

“Sayonara Small Talk:”
When speaking with someone you barely know, ask coarse, random, insightful, or personal questions as if you’d known them for years. The goal is to eliminate all ’small talk’ from the face of the planet.

1: So, how was your weekend?
2: Good. And what’s your greatest fear? Also, do you believe in the gods? And how big is your penis?

“You know what you should do?“
The game is to give advice that will, if followed, produce the most awkward and objectively hilarious situation possible. The goal is to keep a straight face while giving it and give it interchangeably with regular, good advice.

“New Year’s Resolutions“
18 New Year’s Resolutions, each of which has 20 days (about three weeks) to be completed. The goal is to have them be measurable statements and complete as many as possible in the year.

“Auf wiedensehen small talk“

Instead of avoiding small talk, you continue it– in staccato. Here’s an example. Remember, the aim of the game is to keep the person as uncomfortable as possible for as long as possible without them realizing that you are enjoying their discomfort:

Andy: So how are you today?
Pixel: I’m good. Just here, working.. You know.
Andy: Yeah. Work sucks.
Pixel: Yeah, sometimes..
Andy: Well…
Pixel: Sometimes it’s not bad though.
Andy: I know what you mean. Everything has its good parts.
Pixel: Oh, yeah. I completely agree.
Andy: ….
Pixel: Totally.
Andy: Well, I gotta–
Pixel: Like, whenever I don’t have to do what the boss-man says, I’m happy.
Andy: Yeah…
Pixel:
Andy: Anyway, I have work to do.
Pixel: Yeah, me too.
Andy: Well–
Pixel: Work sucks.
Andy: Yeah, sometimes..

You let the conversation wane into a stand-still, then, just as they try to get out of it— You zoom back into the conversation and suck them in with you!

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