“Remember that time I bailed you out of jail?”

“… well now I need a favor.”

Frank Jagear is a friend of mine. This week he was at a courthouse, waiting to be arrested on a warrant.

The story goes that he was pulled over by a traffic policeman for going too fast on the interstate. Being Frank, he decided to challenge the ticket (simply because it’s statistically better odds). The officer scheduled his court date for the following month.

January rolled around and Frank forgot all about it. Then, when he realized what was up, he asked one of his cop-friends what would happen. The cop said that Frank probably had a bench warrant out for his arrest.

Frank shows up at my work that day and asks me for a favor. We look up information about bench warrants and call the courthouse asking for our options.

It does not look good.

Having a bench warrant means that the next time a police officer checks his identification, Frank is going to jail. Which, if you know my friend, is a highly likely scenario.

We decide to investigate further.

We go to the courthouse and I walk in, asking to file a motion to quash a bench warrant on behalf of Frank Jagear.

They refuse, saying he must come down himself, which sets my bullshit detector awry.

I call them liars and they give me a sheet of paper with several blank lines and a direction. Apparently I have to fill out the motion myself.

I rejoin Frank and we plan our next action.

The next day I had class all day (and Frank slept in), so we didn’t do anything.

The day after that we decide we’re too old to challenge the system and that we just want to pay everything off and get it done with. We drive to my bank, where I cash my final scholarship check and keep $1000 cash on me, just in case.

We drive to the courthouse and walk in.

Frank waits in line and asks to pay for ticket, the bench warrant fee, and the bail money all in one go, hoping not to have to go to jail.

Ha ha. This is America, buddy, if you’re poor and honest, you get screwed.

The clerk calls security and Frank is made to sit down in a table while we wait for confirmation that there is, in fact, a warrant out for his arrest.

The man next to us is suffering the same fate.

“Did you murder anyone?” the Warrant Officer asks the man next to us, upon hearing confirmation of his warrant.

“No.”

…

“Well, he had a gun, and I had a knife… and I tripped into him.”

I look at Frank. He looks back and mentions that he is the captain of a fire department, hoping to appeal to their better parts.

No luck.

“Did you used to work at NMSU Fire?”

A strange man asks.

“Yes, for two years.”

Frank replies.

“I’m thinking of a name…”

“Corona.”

“That’s the one.”

But still no confirmation on the bench warrant. Apparently, the Bench Warrant says ‘Frank Jagear Frank’ instead of just ‘Frank Jagear.’

While waiting, the man who didn’t murder anyone is escorted to a police car and the man who asked Frank about the fire department speaks to the warrant officer who decides to just let Frank pay off the warrant here.

Forty-five minutes later (literally), we walk out, free. Frank has a new court date to appeal the bench warrant and my pocket feels $550 lighter, but all is well.

We drive to an Italian restaurant to celebrate. On the way we pass an accident. It seems as if the Warrant Officer who was going to arrest Frank had gotten into a crash.

… just another episode in the life of Pixel Q. Styx.

Last Year: Butt!, indepen and Stranger Arranger Part Deux
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I, Rule (part II)

Community service in Pixelonia serves two purposes: it gives young kids exposure, time to mature, and builds character AND it provides a grand service to the community relatively cheaply.

Community service includes all of the following (and more):

• Trash collection
• Serving in the armed forces
• Being a fluffer
• Nursing in old folk’s homes, insane assylums, etc.
• Serving in homeless shelters
• Tutoring
• Sewerage work
• Road work
• Other public works
• Counseling
• Emergency workers
• etc.

Upon graduation from High School, students are given an examination and a questionnaire. The examination analyses their aptitude for various jobs and the questionnaire their preferrence for these self-same jobs.
Selection is then made by an automated process which attempts to give everyone their choices.

Alternatively, students may submit their own service project to be monitored by a committee. The project shall be judged by expected value and the progress will be monitored by an expert in the area.

Last Year: Ethics, Set Up for next post and The Problem
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Tao of Gabe: On Writing the Tao of Gabe

Jayna,

This how to guide got me through writing this how to guide.

Love,

Gabe

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Iconoclastic Beaver here with a lesson in humor writing. You might well have incorrectly gathered that writing humor is simple from my skillful presentation in this prestigious paper.

Ha ha. I hadn’t realized I’d already started with the jokes [JAYNA: You know I love you (in that naughty no-no way)].

Okay, first some tips:

1. Humorous topics make boring stories and boring topics make even more boring stories. The thin line is one such that it makes one out of every hundred people say “that’s not funny!” in an indignant voice—the indignant voice is important—often times the other 99 burst out laughing at the one person’s nasal voice.
2. Hire an indignant, nasal person.
3. Offend both sides equally. For instance, on religion, you might say “Jesus recanted on the cross,” but you must immediately follow that with “and all atheists’ head and ass are interchangeable.”
4. Use random words oddly juxtaposed [EDITOR: Not only is the grammar in this sentence purposely badly written, but so is the grammar in this sentence]. For instance: quasi-homoerotic bubble gum and diabolically mellow jumping beans can both describe either foods or personal states [JAYNOPOLOUS: use some funny clipart for this].
5. Border on para-hallucinogenic paranoia… but you already knew that. Didn’t you? Didn’t you?
6. Avoid brute jokes. A brute joke is anything that’s so obvious, 25 percent of the audience has already thought it up before. It can also be any joke having to do with beer, sex, or bodily functions (except for certain types of burping and explosive flatulence, those are still funny). See most college newspaper’s humor columnists or CBS’ late show(s) for examples of this.
7. Avoid numbered lists or you’ll end up making up a number seven just to satisfy the audience’s sense of symmetry. This is especially difficult for me as my right forepaw is so much more muscular than my left… for some reason.

Next, the process:

1. Think of a topic. It generally has to either interest you, the reader, or fall into the metaphysical, possibly non-existent category of ‘objectively funny.’ Possible examples of objectively funny things are: an old man slipping on a banana peel, a large man getting nutted with a hackey sack, and the exact opposite of the Family Circus. Here I could either be referring to the comic strip or the magazine, both ways apply and people will usually react to that which offends them the most.
2. Start with a standard introduction. I use ‘______________ reports’ [JAYNINSANE: pick whichever writer has the best sense of humor and put his/her/their/its/my name in the blank] because of trademark issues with a Gabriel Dwight Berver of Chupadero, New Mexico (pop. 318).
3. Write text. Make sure there’s some semblance of a connection between each two or three sentence paragraph.

People don’t say “loosy goosey” enough anymore.

4. Come back to the paper several hours and some illicit substances later and add jokes to the end of each paragraph.
5. Come back after that and edit the paper while sober.

If you’re in a real rush, like I am, you can safely ignore 1, 2, and 5 with dishearteningly few consequences.

Finally, the closing. You must have a good closing. People who’ve read 400 words with only four and a half laugh beats are going to need a good closing. I recommend “sex you later” as it instantly gives you street cred in the sexual circles.

Love you now,

Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: If you hear of any sexual circles, let me know. They have to exist, they just have to!”

Last Year: Pix Capacitating Again, 93!!
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I, Rule

Welcome to Sim Pixelonia.

Pixelonia is a rich country with a steady tax of 10% of all goods and services (sans food and government sponsored shelter). There is no income tax.

Crime in Pixelonia is at an all time low in the world, as Pixel’s new policies have five possible sentences to any crime:

1. Sterilization.
2. Deportation (usually with mandatory sterilization).
3. Community service (some crimes carry a lifetime sentence of community service).
4. Jail time (if community service and deportation are not viable)
5. Fines.

Pixelonia also has completely free health care (sans most cosmetic surgery), free legal aid (indeed, law is not a paying profession), and free education up until your first master’s degree.

Education in Pixelonia follows the twelve year lesson plan seen here and instructors are paid well and also forced to take one extra free university class per year.

After graduation, all citizens are forced to serve two years of public service (including everything from litter collection to charity work to armed forces). During these two years, they are provided with a small per diem, free housing, and free career counseling.

Politicians are paid minimum wage and not allowed to advertise for upcoming elections outside of the set debates and public advertising budget. Thus, they have no incentive to pass legislation that is not in their constituents’ best interests.

The true beauty of Pixelonia, however, lies in the citizenship test. To become a citizen, you must successfully pass an intelligence test, a psychological test, a background check, and a set of interviews, intraviews, and outerviews. Children born in Pixelonia are de facto citizens until their community service expires, after which they must pass a psychological test and an interview to maintain citizenship.

The goal of Pixelonia is to be a home to all those that the rest of the world overrules with their purposeful ignorance.

Update: to go along with Ex_cal’s criticism, in Pixelonia, it is against the law to be Jewish

Last Year: History Lesson, Razzie! and What a porkie pile of raspberries!
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Welcome to the New Blog!

Pix Capacitor Blog #2 just went live.
If you were just redirected from my old site: welcome!  Tell me what you think.

If you’re here for the carnival: *grumble, grumble, grumble*  Tell me what you think.

If you’re psychic: I’ll tell you what you think!

Last Year: I Loooove PETA, I Really Love PETA and I Really, Really Love PETA
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