*kills self*

So I accomplished something. Yeah, a newspaper was published today and I’m sort of credited as the Design Editor. You’d think I’d feel more proud, but all I feel is stress. That’s not right. I’ll have to learn to delegate and manage my time. So I think I’ll eat a grape today.
But first,
Allow me to introduce the cast of characters at the local newspaper:

“Equals:”

Autumn S. = Editor-in-chief, refuses to publish name “Pixel Q. Styx” yet goes by her middle name “Paige.” The irony never fails to amuse.
Jayna B. = News Editor, is responsible for Gabe the Beaver being published

Claire D’M. = Arts Editor, edits arts section.

Lance C. = Sports Editor, probably edits the sports section, or something…

Yoshi B. = Photo Editor, wants me to come to him to see which photos shall run, as a favor.

Bekkah B. = Copy Editor, edits copy. Offered to edit ads early on so we don’t have a repeat of yesterday’s fiasco.

Marcie B. = Advertising Manager, has my personal line, in charge of making my life complicated, Laura’s friend.

“Employees:”

Laura W. = Believes she should have gotten my job. Does the fun and hard work and treats me like an underling because I let her (and I figure: hell, I don’t want to do extra work!)

Nick T. = Graphic Designer with own schedule.

Katy V. V. = New Graphic Designer who thinks she can have her own schedule.

“Other Kool Kats:”

Jonathan Butz: ‘Real‘ last name is Butz. Amusing writer/radio DJ.

Becky C.: Known her since 2000, but never really spoken. Hm.

Sarah Stoltzfus: Has a last name with four consonants in a row (count ‘em). Very strong e-mail password if you’re ever in need (according to gmail).

Whitney: Is pregnant.

Jeff Hand: Walks around suggesting things. Actual job as much a mystery as his new moustache.

… the word moustache almost looks like the word pistachio, but only for five letters…

Last Year: Is there a crisis?, Yey! and Pop-Ups
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Styx & Butz’s idea of humor

Here’s a fun game: type in ‘penis’ into the Google image search while the moderated searching tab is ‘off.’ Then click search and realize you’re in the middle of work and the half-cocked idea to use a funny background in a picture for an advertisement was not you or Señor Butz thought was ‘funny,’ but rather the general consensus of ‘funny,’ such as ‘whimsical’ or ‘boring.’

Get in trouble in a room full of people who freely admit they watch pornography.

Repeat.

Last Year: Is there a crisis?, Yey! and Pop-Ups
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Tao of Gabe: Welcome Back

Dear Fans,

Gabe the Hysterical Beaver here welcoming you back to another warm and joyous semester of beaver-related hijinks.

I’m your local newspaper’s humor columnist. As a 3’ 1” beaver with a bitch for a wife, a fox for a girlfriend, a paid off mortage, common and preferred stocks in Turner broadcasting, plenty of free time, a receding hairline-fracture in my skull, and a tame, sober, and chaste demeanor, I can relate to you, your mind, and your body in ways even you can’t. Ways that can only come from experience.

Think about that for a moment before you go on to the next paragraph.

…

I can relate to you with the experience that comes from a life of surfing Myspace for bands and poorly disguised pornographers asking to be my friends.

Apart from that, as I’ve already received a certificate of completion of remedial art from a prestigious university in Europe, I am well aware of both the pressures of uni life and the usefulness of a university diploma after graduation (hint: it’s about as useful as your high school diploma is to a blind, dyslexic mime with Alzheimer’s).

In fact, I’m thinking of creating a novelty toilet paper out of undergraduate diplomas. Or replacing the diplomas with something more useful for day-to-day living: like an oversized brick.
Thus, it is from my similarities to you and my advanced experience that I can weave humorous essays from which you will be incessantly amused.

‘Incessantly’ in this usage means ‘momentarily.’

Through these essays we will collectively laugh, uniformly cry, and alternately chuckle and gasp in offense. Remember: nothing here is serious. Everything here is a lie. Heck, even this sentence is a lie!

Actually, that’s not true.

So let me know what you would like to read. Remember Kids: this is your paper too! (In all but name, title, and all intents and purposes. Offer not valid in California.)

Just be careful to not ask me for advice. I’m not legally allowed to give you any (despite my doctorate in differential phrenology). I am, however, legally allowed to Incite you to set your underwear on fire. Isn’t media law fun?

It’s a little known fact that I first applied to the [insert paper name here] as an advice columnist. It’s also a little known fact that I first applied to USA Today as a horticulture specialist. The fact that my letters of interest were so amusing to the editors is something I take great pride and offense in.

To me it is the equivalent of being told that I caused your collective mother incessant pleasure.
‘Incessant’ in this usage is ambiguous.

Ha ha. Take that audience’s expectations! Ahh, welcome back. We missed you… but this is going to be a long semester.

Love, incessantly,
Gabriel D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: As a humor columnist with a current poetic license, I can get away with writing sentence fragments that would blacklist a weaker writer. Like this one.”

Last Year: Is there a crisis?, Yey! and Pop-Ups
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