The $5 remainder

Every time I wake up in the morning, I lose $9.

Simply by not dying in the night (oh, to be so lucky), I have lost $9. Because every thirty nights I don’t die, I must pay $270.

Now, that would be fine and dandy, but for the fact that this job, regardless of how much I work, pays only $400 every thirty days.

That’s about $14 a day.

($14-$9=$5)

That means that I have an average of five dollars every day to spend on food, washing clothes, gasoline, car maintenance, and assorted other expenses.
Today I bought some fast food for $4.99.

I also paid just under $40 to get my oil changed.

Yeah, I’m going to die this semester. And that’s just money wise. I haven’t yet had the time to dissect how little time I have to spend on the things that matter (blogging, hanging out with friends, etc.).

:-S It does not bode well for the Baudelair siblings…

Last Year: HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!, I wanna be a Minimalist! and Observations
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Tao of Gabe: On Ninja Speak, Arguments

Jayna,

I’m probably going to take a week off soon. This is killing me. And Pix’s criticisms aren’t helping.

-Gabe

~~~

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Jingoistic Beaver here with another lesson in ‘Ninja Speak.’ Ninja Speak is an elusive rhetorical skill practiced by only a handful of beavers worldwide. The goal of Ninja Speak is to give your opponent a concealed yet powerful ego slash that he will feel for weeks to come. It’s the most disheartening of the passive-aggressive oratory arts and the most dangerous to boot.

Boot means ‘use’ today.

Today’s lesson involves debate. A true Verbal Ninja never loses a debate, though it is . Especially when facts are not on their side. Heck, to a Verbal Ninja, facts are like child support payments: they’re impertinent to whether you can sell ducks to foreign individuals under the alias of Gilberto Ramirez.

Which brings us to our first lesson:

*use random facts. It’ll sound like you’ve put things together that your opponents haven’t. Try making the claims as wild and ridiculous as possible. The aim of the game is to keep them guessing where you’re going so that they lose track of their own argument.

*Bring the argument back to something you know. It is far easier than debating amongst things you do not and you’d be surprised how easily people let you guide the argument. All you have to do is do all the talking and pull the ‘expert’ card. Even if your expertise is completely unrelated.

*Use foreign words. Many people mistake this as ‘use big words,’ but big words only work against people that have a small vocabulary and those are the same people who won’t give in when they don’t understand something. They’ll insist the tax code can be explained in two sentences, but ‘intellectuals’ complicate things to look smarter. And they’re right: you’d just need a hell of a lot of semicolons.

*Kidnap their children. I can get away with inciting you to do illegal actions because I’m a humor columnist. If I were the fashion beaver, I might get arrested. Heck, wear plaids and dots, the fashion police can’t touch me.

*Give backhanded compliments. Pepper the argument with backhanded compliments.

*If all else fails, be nice. There’s nothing more disconcerting than a person who’s been beaten who doesn’t accept the defeat. The entire time you concede, have a knowing smile on your face and good thoughts in your head. You should be thinking of nothing but frilly flowers, fluffy kittens, pastel butterflies, rainbow kisses, and stars.

Just remember the cardinal rule of Ninja Speak: never use these powers against women. It’s not that it’s wrong, it’s just that they’re immune to logic. A woman always has the last word in an argument. Anything the man says after that is simply the start of a new argument.

Love you dearest,

Gabriel D. Groundhog

(Everyone’s a Groundhog on Groundhog day!)

“Remember Kids: Ninja Speak should only be used as self-defense… Or if it’ll be really, really funny at the time.”

Last Year: HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!, I wanna be a Minimalist! and Observations
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It is official

The United States blows. What makes even dialing out of this country such a big ordeal? Honestly.

Well, if you can read this: happy birthday Angela. I tried calling, honest. But my luck wasn’t any better here than it’s been in all but two other instances of international dialing..

Last Year: HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!, I wanna be a Minimalist! and Observations
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