WIRED

ME: Sorry, what were you saying?
TED: What?
ME: I just had an itch back there, that’s all. What were you saying?
TED: …I’ve been talking for ten minutes…
ME: True, true… but um… recap.
TED: …Are you on drugs?
ME: Not at the moment, just refresh my memory.
TED: (sighs) FINE. I’ve been cheating on Julia.
ME: With who again?
TED: Are you sure you’re not high? With my secretary, Sarah.
ME: Ah yes… yes…
TED: Since when do you wear a flower on your lapel?
ME: Um…. never mind the flower.
TED: Anyway, keep this talk between us yeah?
ME: Of course, what are friends for?

SARAH: –What was that beep?
ME: Oh just my mobile.
SARAH: Okay.
ME: Mm… so… what were you saying?
SARAH: Just that Ted makes me feel so alive, ya know. Like… like, I matter.
ME: Uh huh. And what did he buy you?
SARAH: Do you have memory problems?
ME: Um… the doctors aren’t sure. Indulge me.
SARAH: Well, he got me a new car.
ME: A PORSCHE wasn’t it?
SARAH: Yeah!
ME: That’s so much better than the Toyota he got his wife.
SARAH: Who are you talking to?
ME: Oh sorry, just lapsed in concentration there. Thinking out loud.
SARAH: Well I’m glad you’re here to talk with.
ME: I’ll never betray you.
JULIA: Hi there.
ME: Hi, thank you for meeting me here.
JULIA: No problem. Hey, nice flower!
ME: Thanks. So what were you say—

SNIIIIFFFF

JULIA: –twice tonight.
ME: Say again, I missed some of that?
JULIA: I said Ted called me twice tonight, trying to apologise.
ME: What’d you say?
JULIA: I’ll tell you what I said! I said-

THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD

ME: Please don’t prod my lapel like that.
JULIA: Sorry.

ME: I don’t know mum, I’m starting to think that recording my friends is the wrong thing to do…
MUM: Wait a second honey.

BEEP

ME: What was that?
MUM: My mobile.
ME: …You don’t have a mobile…
MUM: Um… truck backing up…
ME: Oh.
MUM: So what were you saying?
ME: I was saying that recording my friends may be the wrong thing.
MUM: Uh huh, and who are you?
ME: Your SON!
MUM: Oh that’s right.
ME: You having memory problems?
MUM: No, no, just making sure.
ME: You won’t tell anybody, right?
MUM: Of course not son. If you can’t trust your mother, who can you trust?

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