Here’s To Moving On

Today we of the class 2006 go on to bigger and better things. We, who have been cloistered in the classrooms for the past ten odd years, now finally head out into the wide world we’ve worked so hard to experience through new eyes.

Yes, we of the Cyborg Ninja Death Squad School have truly come a long way, from freshman to graduates.

Some of us will go on to be computer game villains, and what villains we’ll be! Look forward to our fleeting footsteps creeping up behind you at speed and when you turn around? We’ll be GONE! That shit never gets old! Some of us will become Super Villains, controlling a universal death laser perhaps. Nay, a SUPER universal death laser! Aimed at Washington? Why not all the capitals of the world? Hell, we have the capabilities to do so. We’ll skip Katmandu though. We gotta have somewhere to raise our Cyborg Ninja Death Squadlets.

Perhaps we’ll just settle down into office jobs, simply doing barrel rolls and fly kicking managers when they lose the memo five damn times in a fucking row. Perhaps we’ll be standing at the water cooler with ‘Phil’ and ‘Matt’, or somesuch, and there’ll only be a thirty odd chance of us planting a well aimed fist in their throat. We Cyborg Ninja Death Squad ninjas are, after all, just humble ninjas with a pedigree. A pedigree that includes such Cyborg Ninja Death Squad alumni as Lord Objectico, master of the Earth (weekends inclusive).

Ah we’ve had a fun time, have we not? Years of study now results in a class I am proud to be valedictorian of such a wild and whacky bunch? Do you guys remember that time that Jake (now dubbed Cyborg Destroyer Ninja #32) totally flipped out and killed someone, and then did a rock guitar solo? That was totally bitching. Snap.

Or when Super Slayer 4000 went down to the library and the librarian said ‘oh your book is late, you owe us two dollars’? I remember it took them a month to clean the blood off the ceiling that time.

But we must remember in the time to come that to be a true Cyborg Ninja Death Squad Ninja, you must be three things. First (and feel free to call these out), and most importantly, you must?

Be a cyborg. Yes! If we weren’t cyborgs, we’d simply be Ninja Death Squads. That’d just be lame.

Be a true ninja. If we didn’t totally flip out and kill people, what would we be? Seriously, we’d just be lame asses who wear totally cool clothing and do bitchin’ guitar solos. That, my friends, is real ultimate power.

Be totally into killing people. We’re not into half measures here at the Cyborg Ninja Death School. If we find out that any member isn’t totally into killing people, we… um… kill them. I’ve put forward the argument that we should be more imaginative in our punishment, but we’re not Catholics, we’re ninjas!

So remember class of 2006, head out with your heads held high, your ’swords’ sharp (eh? EH?!) and kill with impunity! Huzzah!

Oh and have your textbooks in by Wednesday, the new librarian is a bitch that way.

Last Year: Dang it, Alethea!, Faith in Humanity and Penultimate Words
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DOSAGE

Dosage: Three tablets once daily, after food, during food, or before food. May be taken with liquids (not milk) if tepid (must be tepid) in glass (must be glass, plastic may cause combustion).

Side effects may include: headaches, backaches, kneeache, ankleache, elbowache. Stomach upset will probably occur but can be countered with whiskey. Lots of whiskey. Enough whiskey to drown a cat.

Bowel loosening should be expected, and should be countered using adult diapers. In case of movement, the manufacturer recommends you evacuate outside to prevent later cleaning, as evacuation is best described as being similar to ‘the unholiest stream of filth ever seen’. In case of need to clean, avoid using solvents as the combination will result in noxious gas released. Soap and water may be used, however, but without a sponge as a sponge creates a chemical circuit similar to C4.

Blindness common among those aged 8-19, 20-32, 33-89. Side effect is fleeting however, resembling a strobe light while moving. This may last up to fourteen days per single dose. Nausea common during dosage, as is ‘being hit by a rhythm stick’ during such times. Beats required to be fresh. Snap.

Fingers may grey overnight, if this happens do not call anyone and instead let nature run its course. Participants who follow this course of action are guaranteed fifty thousand dollars if they survive. Claims must be documented by a priest. Catholic or Baptist required. Both at once is not recommended in case one is right and the other is wrong and you end up in Limbo.

Hunger may arise early on in the dosage, rising sharply in the first twenty minutes before reaching a plateau at a point of ‘absolutely fucking ravenous’. Avoid food during this time, as the stomach will empty itself in approximately twenty seconds. This evacuation will occur suddenly from all orifices connected to the digestive tract. All orifices. A good place to stand during this time is probably the backyard. Or a neighbour’s yard. Depends who you like, really.

Hair will fall out during the first 24 hours, in large clumps. Remaining hair will turn green, then blue, then red, then spiders will hatch from each of your strands and flutter off in warm air breezes wafting up in the summer. Do not be alarmed. In fact, avoid alarm above all else as it may cause spontaneous burrowing among the spores.

Within twenty minutes of dosage, user may have sudden urge to take another dosage. In fact, this urge will become irresistible as the sun fairy ‘Ixlyzt’ may appear in a hallucination promising all manners of riches in return for another pill taken. During this time, it is advisable to chain yourself to something that will not be movable under any circumstances, such as a column made of concrete (steel is preferable). If this is not available, hamstring yourself and tourniquet your legs. You’ll thank yourself later.

‘Speaking in Tongues’ is common among the young, the middle aged and the elderly. Warn friends and family members not to call a priest, in case you get a superfluous exorcism. I’ve heard those can hurt like buggery. Heh! Priest- buggery… gettit? Gettit?!

During dosage, tablets may expand rapidly (’like a tampon in a bottle neck’ my girlfriend puts it). If this happens, tilt back head and ‘deepthroat’ a chopstick. Avoid allowing chopstick to remain in windpipe, as it may inhibit breathing, walking, and living.

Mood swings are common, and may be accompanied by throwing of various debris at all sundry. During such times, bystanders should be encouraged to use mace to subdue patient. Tabasco sauce mixed with red pepper can be an effective substitute. Also, oven cleaner.

May cause heart failure. Um. If this happens… I dunno, we’ll send you a ham?

If symptoms persist, please call your doctor, shaman, or Rabbi.

Last Year: Dang it, Alethea!, Faith in Humanity and Penultimate Words
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