Please do not kill me oh nerdlingers

So I looked through a few fantasy novels the other day at my girlfriend’s place. She’s a lovely girl: beautiful, smart, funny, talented and well read. I can only assume that fantasy novels were the closest thing to crack she could get without receiving social stigma while still maintaining a habit to something that is sure to cause cancer in later life.

Seriously, what the hell is with these fucking books? It’s like the authors wanted to write a novel but sadly were born without the ability to actually formulate anything resembling coherence with reality. Or style. Or drama.

I can feel the nerd rage already (not you dear). Why? Because I’m going to single out Robert Jordan here. Mostly because I know you pock-marked greasy bastards out there who curse in elven (I’ll be DAMNED if I’m gonna give THAT a capital letter) will be all over me for saying so, but what the fuck is with this shit? He writes eleven books? ELEVEN?! Religious texts get by with less than this. What makes that uppity bastard think he can string out readers for so long. What’s he doing? Making sure every book has got thirty new characters, two new worlds, five new monsters, plus a handy recipe for dwarf sugar cookies?!

And what makes me, a prospective novelist, most pissed off is that while I (and countless others) try to develop a personal style, a narrative sense and so forth, here comes the magnificently mundane utilitarian shambling writing style of our friend Jordan. How much have I read of him? Not much, but enough to know that if I have to read another word involving a character I don’t care about, from a place I don’t care about, with friends I don’t care about, with a name that involves an apostrophe, someone gon’ die. There’s the trick, my friends: if you want to write a novel, just write! Tumble your way through page after page, introduce characters as you see fit and make sure to make all the women buxom, beautiful and totally created to fulfill deep seated male fantasies that these nerdburgers have.

Oh and look at the amazing titles! Wheel of Time! Knife of Dreams! Fires of Heaven! My word, Robert, you astound me with your brilliance (”A sarcasm detector, that’s a real useful invention” *BAM*). Perhaps I can give you some suggestions for further titles when you write Wheel of Time book number two-hundred-and-twelve-mark-one:

• Coin of Magic
• Sword of Sorcery
• Cup of Death
• Magic Item of Magic Property
• Noun of Intransitive Verb

It’s amazing that you have time to bathe when you’re working on book after book like that, and coming up with some great titles! In fact, I express doubt that you in fact do bathe, basing my beliefs on the people I’ve seen who actually actively enjoy your books and consider them some kind of literature as opposed to mindless (OHHHH ever so mindless) escapism. At least the latter can be excused as being the simple act of rebellion a brain enacts against existence itself… meanwhile the former should be rooted out like a FUCKING PARASITE BURROWING ITS WAY INTO MODERN SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT.

The test? If you read a book that includes any of the following:

• A heroine who wears skin tight anything and slays dragons/elves/dwarves/quantity surveyors/any monster the author just made up for the sake of the next Dungeons and Dragons rule book and the subsequent retailing.
• A character who’s name is something like Squador, Qu’elic, Excreptor the Megadeathslayer.
• The type of plot that gets a member of any ‘Dark Ages Society’ hot in the pants.
• Complex metaphors on the Bush administration as thinly veiled stereotypical brutish orcs.
• The use of phrases such as ‘Flurox chortled as he spake’. Sorry, but this is a load of wank. Hot, steaming, chunky, wank.

If you note these warning signs, and find yourself justifying your reading of such literature, saying such gems as “Oh come on, Spear of Destiny is just as good as Catch-22, you just don’t appreciate it!” then don’t be surprised if the next sensation you receive is not unlike that of an orc’s slammin jammin appraisal of an elvish countenance on noonsong day.

In other words, I’ll kick you in the nuts.

P.S. My own site, http://borderwaste.blogspot.com/ is now finally being updated. So, uh, go look. Often. And rejoice you bastards!

Last Year: United we stand, Divided we remain, And..... Scene!
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Foods not covered in the five-second rule

Foods not covered under the five-second rule:

• Pasta-based foods including lasagna, ravioli, hot pizza and any pastaish beverages.
• Soup.
• Liquid mercury, sulfuric acid and all other deadly materials.
• Liquids.
• Jello.
• Yogurt, pudding.
• Ice cream.
• Buffalo wings, ribs.
• Enchiladas.
• Cold cuts
• Nachos.
• Babies.
• Cottage cheese.

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Could it be??

Is that horrible, horrible error message finally off my page? And I only had to delete all of my site statistics and forgo the possibility of storing any more, ever?
I have only one thing to say: “Par-tay!!!”

(this message is void if that horrible error message is not finally off my page)

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Must be all the extra motherly attention

This is, literally, right off the wire:

Men with older brothers more likely to be gay
WASHINGTON (AP) — All that testosterone doesn’t necessarily make a man straight.
In fact, having several older brothers increases the likelihood of a man being gay, a finding researchers say adds weight to the idea that there is a biological basis for sexual orientation.

RESEARCHER’S STATEMENT: “It’s likely to be a prenatal effect,” said Anthony F. Bogaert of Brock University in St. Catharines, Canada, “This and other studies suggest that there is probably a biological basis for homosexuality.”

THE STUDY: Bogaert studied four groups of Canadian men, a total of 944 people, analyzing the number of brothers and sisters each had, whether or not they lived with those siblings and whether the siblings were related by blood or adopted.

OUTSIDE OPINION: S. Marc Breedlove of Michigan State University said the finding “absolutely” confirms a physical basis.
“Anybody’s first guess would have been that the older brothers were having an effect socially, but this data doesn’t support that,” Breedlove said in a telephone interview.

BIGGER PICTURE: Bogaert cautioned that this needs to be looked at in context of the overall rate of homosexuality in men, which he suggested is about 3 percent. With several older brothers the rate may increase from 3 percent to 5 percent, he said, but that still means 95 percent of men with several older brothers are heterosexual.

(oh, and AAHHH!!!)

Last Year: 5 Greatest? Sure!, Fighting Truth Decay?
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It’s a joke, just not in your language

Can anyone else see this when they log on to this page?

WordPress database error: [Duplicate entry '21921' for key 1]
INSERT INTO wp_bas_visitors (visit_ip, referer, osystem, useragent, lasthere) VALUES (207670482, 1, 12, 337, ‘Insert time you accessed the page here (GMT, of course)’);

WordPress database error: [You have an error in your SQL syntax; check the manual that corresponds to your MySQL server version for the right syntax to use near 'AND referer = referer_id AND osystem = os_id AND useragent = ua_]
SELECT * FROM wp_bas_visitors, wp_bas_refer, wp_bas_ua, wp_bas_os WHERE visit_id = AND referer = referer_id AND osystem = os_id AND useragent = ua_id

WordPress database error: [You have an error in your SQL syntax; check the manual that corresponds to your MySQL server version for the right syntax to use near ' 'Insert time you accessed the page here', 0, 3)' at line 1]
INSERT INTO wp_bas_log (visit, stamp, outbound, page) VALUES (, ‘Insert time you accessed the page here’, 0, 3);

It’s driving me crazy. I can’t figure out what to do about it…

Last Year: How to avoid getting a ticket
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