Open letter to the Las Cruces Shooter

By Pixel at September 23, 2006 at 12:27 pm. Filed in open letters

Dear Las Cruces Shooter

Can I just call you “Shoot?” Thanks. So I noticed that you took the time to write a thoroughly censored letter to the city (twice!) and nobody took the time to respond to you.

That just changed.

Shoot, I think what happened was that you were too needy. People like being wanted, but being needed is a pressure that most people can’t stand. Instead of saying “If they did not meet our deadline with the $ reesidents [sic] of your city would be randomly selected and shot,” you should have said, “can we get together next week for some silly putty and baking soda?”

Only, you probably should have said something that made sense in the context. Something about hand-writing an extortion letter using nothing but straight lines shouts ‘crazy’ to some people.

Not that I’m implying you are crazy, but you can see where people would come to that conclusion.

Speaking of conclusion, the Sun-News recently reported that there were no shots fired yesterday, Friday, September 22, 2006. This makes me wonder. Did you mean that you’d start shooting on Friday? Or was it after Friday?

Is it 1, 2, 3 then go or 1, 2, 3 with go on three?

Frankly, I think the Sun-News assumed too much, but I guess we’ll see today.

Shoot, you’re not actually going to shoot people, are you? Because that might be one thing you cannot come back from. It’s sort of like fooling around with a friend: you can never go back to the way it was.

Trust me, I know.

My friend Jack doesn’t even shake my hand anymore.

And if you do start shooting, how will you decide who to shoot? You said you’d shoot Las Cruces citizens at random.

*phew!* I’m glad I’m not a citizen then. I’m just a resident.

But how do you decide who is random and how to shoot them? If you go to a public place, your sample bias is against private people and fuddy-duddies that don’t like going to The Whole Enchilada Fiesta. If you pick from the phone book, you’re ignoring cell phone dependent people and people who have private numbers. If you use census data, you ignore anybody who didn’t participate in the last census including the kids who weren’t born yet.

I just don’t think you thought this through very well.

Finally, I think the “Your city is in danger” closing was a bit too morbid. Couldn’t you have gotten the same effect from “wishing you warm cookies and cold milk?”

Shoot, it’s all in the attitude. You could have probably gotten $[censored] if you’d played it right. Now there is a $[censored] reward for your capture.

Ouch.

That must feel like asking a girl to the prom and having her place a restraining order on you.

Well, let this be a lesson for next time.

Wishing you warm cookies and milk,

Pixelation Qyw Styx

Last Year: Palinode to Phrases that should never be said, I cried because I had nowhere to sit until I met a guy with a funny haircut and Goodie Grab Bag IV
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