The Ultimate Guy Movie

Tek “Danger” McRiggs is a photographer of beautiful women by day, a football legend by midafternoon, a superhero by dusk, a spy-detective-cop by night and a porn star by morning. One day, a team of government-trained ninja pirates shows up to abduct Tek, but mistake his friend Buddy Cop Jr. (played by a famous comedian) for him.

Tek, upon discovering this tragedy, calls his friends Jackie Chan, Jet Li, a weaponized cyborg, and Laura Croft for help tracking down his friend. Tek discovers that his arch nemesis Professor Doom O’Destructo is behind everything and is planning on sucking the life out of Buddy Cop Jr. in order to make himself immortal, invincible and to enslave the human race.

Tek is then attacked by a beautiful female spy ninja. He easily overpowers and seduces her. There is a 6-minute (porno)graphic sex scene which ends with her trying to kill him with a knife. Tek’s cyborg friend (played by a likable body builder) discovers this in time and throws Tek out of a window to save his life. The building explodes and it is revealed that the beautiful female spy ninja is also a cyborg (2-minute sex scene).

Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Jr. finds out he is locked in a cabin with 6 terrorists, two beautiful women who are the girlfriends of O’Destructo and John Madden. Buddy Cop Jr. and John Madden bond and Madden shares his secret of always winning at everything with Buddy Cop Jr.

We cut back to Tek McRiggs falling out of the 50-story window that his cyborg friend threw him out of as he is miraculously abducted by aliens. The aliens impart how important it is to defeat Professor Doom O’Destructo and how Tek is the only one who can do so. They teleport him to the future to train him for 6 months under the training of his old, dead master Yoshi P. Rookwood, who had also been teleported into the future before his own death. Then they arm Tek up with weapons and send him back into the timeline to save the world, but not before a heart-wrenching goodbye with his former master who has no idea he is about to go back in time just to be killed by O’Destructo in events that will eventually be revealed in the prequel.

Meanwhile, Jackie Chan and Jet Li, in a 25-minute martial arts sequence with no edits but lots of explosions and motorcycles, burst into the compound in which Buddy Cop Jr. and James Madden are trapped… only to find they had already overpowered their captors and were just making out with the beautiful girlfriends of O’Destructo.

Tek, realizing that today was the day of the big game, rushes to get to the stadium, because he finally understands a cryptic message “save the big game, save the world.” Then, just as he is about to arrive, he is tackled by the jerk quarterback of the rival team. This ironically saves Tek’s life as the entire next block is destroyed by an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. Spy pirate ninjas appear from the wreckage and fight Tek and the rival team’s jerk quarterback for the next 12 minutes. They only manage to escape on super tricked out rides that they confiscate from junkie rappers who in turn were about to be arrested by FBI agents Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. Tek and the quarterback race back to the game as Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel take on the remaining spy pirate ninjas and junkie rappers.

Tek and the quarterback arrive in time for the last play of the most important game of all time, as it will finally settle a big rivalry, show up the jerk quarterback and fix racism in the minds of people of the South. He tells the coach to try a nearly impossible play that will almost certainly guarantee that Tek will die. Then, in a perfectly executed play in which Tek dodges sniper bullets while leaping over linemen, Tek scores a touchdown right in front of the jerk quarterback. The jerk quarterback cannot help but admit what a good play that was.

Then, just as everyone is celebrating, the lights go down and Professor Doom O’Destructo arrives to fight Tek. They fight for nine minutes, using whatever materials they can rip off the stadium to beat each other over the head with. Just as it seems that Tek is going to die, Buddy Cop Jr., John Madden, Lara Croft, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, the android, the spy ninja chick, Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel arrive to save the day. They all get a punchy one-liner as they beat up O’Destructo, but Tek gets the best one-liner of them all as he uses his training and secret weapons from the future to finish him off.

Relieved, everyone in the stadium cheers, but as we pan through the elated reactions of the various co-stars, we cannot find Tek McRiggs or Lara Croft. Buddy Cop Jr. says “I think I know where they are” and we cut to a 24-minute scene of Tek and Lara Croft having sex on an alien space ship.

As the movie credits roll, we find Buddy Cop Jr., John Madden, Tek McRiggs and Lara Croft in Las Vegas. Buddy Cop Jr. and John Madden are winning every game they play, smoking cigars, drinking margaritas and wearing dragon-skin suits. Lara and Tek are laughing. Then, off in the distance, an explosion is heard and Tek and Lara run off. Buddy Cop Jr. and John Madden laugh to themselves, say “oh, not again,” and race after them.

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Dollar smiles

I like to see people happy. I also like saving money. I don’t readily donate to charity because I’m poor, but every once in a while I like doing something nice for people that could use the money. I usually avoid donating to organizations because I prefer to see the recipients of my charity. The positive reinforcement and increased likelihood of repetition more than compensates for the silly pride I feel in being nice, I think.

Tonight, I went by Taco Bell to buy a 7-layer burrito. When I pulled over to the window, I saw a sign that said “Tips greatly appreciated” written in wonderful handwriting. The lady who took my money seemed nice, and I realized she had put up the sign because of the terrible pay at Taco Bell.

About tips… I don’t like giving tips at restaurants because it’s expected. I tend to avoid restaurants for this reason: the restaurant pays the service so poorly that they have to rely on the charity of the clientèle. I just can’t support an establishment like that any more than I can support buying chocolate that was produced by slavery.

Having once had a friend go crazy while working at Taco Bell and having worked for minimum wage before, I realized that these were the workers who truly deserved a tip, but sadly were also the people least likely to get one.

So I gave her a dollar.

She was happy. She brought my food with a smile and asked if I wanted anything else. Then I thought of all the people who were preparing my food and thought it was unfair to only give her a tip. I asked her for change for a $5. When she gave me five ones, I gave her back three and asked her to share with the two other workers. Then I drove off happy.

For just $4, or double my meal price, I was able to make four people happy (three workers and myself). In comparison, the same amount would buy me a meal at a sit-down restaurant and perhaps give a tip to an underpaid waitress who wouldn’t appreciate it as it would only be one part of her whole salary.

Thus, I have decided that— from now on— every time I get some fast food after midnight, I will compensate the workers with what I can. You should too. Try it tonight: it’s fun and it always makes the workers happy. It’s like a 20 percent pay raise for that hour.

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