I am thankful for reality

I’m at the Student Union, checking my e-mail. I have a message from a professor I really respect! I open the letter. My writing sample is attached, but it’s unmarked and barely read. The message is: “WTF?? We told you the last time that you weren’t good enough to go to grad school and this crap is how you try to convince us otherwise? This paper is crap, you’d be lucky to be accepted into a paper bag. It’s embarrassing, I can’t believe you thought this was any good.”

I stare at the machine and my heart drops. It’s bad enough to write something that’s not any good, but to have someone you really respect tell you that is just heart-wrenching. I panic. I’m already a recommendation short and I don’t want to lose him, I walk around, wondering what to do.

I’ll rewrite it, tell him I took his points and now my paper is wonderful. Or that I really am ready for grad school, I just need to get back up to speed in writing philosophy. Maybe I’ll just talk to him, maybe that will be enough. I’m at the airport parking lot, walking to my car, dreading Monday morning, when I’ll have to go see him. I hope he’s wrong, but forefront in my mind is the question… what if he’s right?
———

I wake up, my cousin jabbing me, saying I have to get ready. I panic, I need to plan what I’m going to say to my professor in the hopes that he will esteem me some more. I can’t focus on what my cousin says, but he goes away soon enough. I look around. I’m in home country, in my cousin’s house. I wonder what’s the quickest way to the Internet. I think. Wait. How did I get my professor’s e-mail in the middle of the night? Maybe I have to go back to sleep to find out.

… wait. What did I just say? Did I even get an e-mail? If I did, why did my professor use the “WTF” line? Did that really happen, or is my subconscious just trying to torture me? It… it didn’t happen. What? He didn’t hate it? …. oh my sweet, gooey-centered goodness! What luck! It wasn’t real!

I’m so happy! I’ve never been so happy to be in a real world! I’m so thankful for… reality.

Last Year: Reminimalism
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Killing kittens by the truckload

What if this was referring to this?

Because the good reverend has proven it doesn’t refer to any real kittens in the world and we all know old adages are always true.

Thus, logically:

1. All kittens are either real or non-real (excluded middle)
2. This doesn’t refer to any real kittens  (non-contradiction)
3. Old adages always are true (P –> Q)
4. Every time you masturbate, god kills a kitten is an adage (P)
5. People masturbate.  (P)
6. Therefore: God kills lots of non-real kittens (Q)

If you add the evidence of these non-real kittens dying in Kitten Cannon, it only follows that the cause of the popularity of this game is the popularity of masturbation.

Today, I am thankful for… opposable thumbs

p.s.  Ha ha, lol, rotflmao

Last Year: Ich bin etikettiert worden, Noggin' foggin'
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Some things that are coincidences and some that are not

Coincidence:

• One commercial on two channels at the same time
• Looking like a stranger
• Having the same birthday as your best friend
• Wearing the same clothes as someone
• Running into your ex-girlfriend the day after you randomly think about her
• It raining just after you wash your car
• Breaking your ankle just after a witchy girl ‘cursed’ you
• Your favorite song playing on the radio on a good day
• Anything having to do with “THE SECRET” that’s not self-fulfilling

Not a coincidence:

• Looking like a parent
• Looking like a milk man
• Steroid use and muscle growth
• Senate subcommittees and lack of progress
• Oil, Islam, terrorism and the deficit
• Having the same birthday as your twin
• Alcoholism and divorce
• Waitresses always hitting on you while you’re sitting at their table, but not at all afterward
• Windows Vista and computer problems
• Nerds liking Star Wars/Trek and anything else that helps them escape their lives
• My being a bad commenter and NaNoWriMo/BloPoMo/GradSchoolApps

Last Year: Get the Vote Back In
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Guide to the extended family

The Grandfather

This is an older gentleman. He may try too hard to get you to like him or not try at all, you parents might regard him with dread or annoyance, but everyone agrees he’s an important figure for some reason. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him.

The Grandmother

Like the grandfather, only she works twice as hard in the kitchen or house to try to accommodate everyone. Sometimes she succeeds, but at great expense. She may also be crazy and your relatives might treat her sweetly or saccharinely. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with her.

The funny uncle

Everyone refers to him as the funny uncle and continuously asks you whether you think he’s funny. You realize he’s amusing, but far too often his humor is at your expense. Somehow that doesn’t seem so amusing. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him.

The cousin that’s too cool for you

Really? You live in this awful place? And you’re… proud? You realize everyone seems to regard him/her as going through a phase. Frankly you want him/her to go through that phase elsewhere. The only reason you’re even trying is because everyone else is too old/young/married/single/annoying/scary. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him/her.

The invalid

This might be a baby, a disabled person (permanently or otherwise) or just an older fellow. People both shy away and grotesquely over-coddle them. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him.

The downer

Inevitably, all extended families have one member that’s overly concerned with what people say or do. This might be an older brother, a divorced aunt or just a no-goodnick. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him.

The little child

Cute, fun, but oh, so dumb You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him/her.

The drunk

Drinks a lot. It’s embarrassing and awkward for everyone nearby. You go out of your way not to be stuck in a conversation with him.

Today, I am thankful… obviously… for those little chips with lead flavor in home country.

p.s. Phew! I made it! Go us!

Last Year: Battered Voter's Syndrome
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I <3 Hugs

“Show me who you’ve hugged in the past year and in what order and frequency and I’ll tell you what your priorities are.”

— Ancient Navajo saying

Back in January, I posted my New Year’s Resolutions. I later gave an update on one of those resolutions: getting 150 hugs. I am now at a total of 149 hugs and will most certainly reach 150 by the end of the week, so I’ll post the update now and update it when I get back.

*Ahem!* I have so far hugged these people:

Number	Day	Person	Relationship
1	January 1	Claudia	Cousin
2	January 1	David	Uncle
3	January 1	Alegria	Cousin
4	January 1	David	Cousin
5	January 1	Genaro	Grandfather
6	January 1	‘Gela	Aunt
7	January 1	Elena	God mother, Aunt
8	January 1	Lupe	Aunt
9	January 1	Mom	Some lady
10	January 2	Niki	Friend
11	January 2	Trisha	Friend’s sister that works in a video store
12	January 5	Laura	Mom
13	January 5	Moira	Friend
14	January 5	Frank	Friend, possible arch-nemesis
15	January 8	Jessica	Friend of friend who went on one date with me then refused to ever speak to me again
16	January 12	Lily	Designer/friendly acquaintance, really nice lady
17	January 13	Doris	Friend, we met during the SATs back in high school and ran into each other again much, much later. Crazy.
18	January 13	Krista	Photography friend, really awesome chick
19	January 13	Kattie	Buddie, had father die this year, very sad
20	January 17	Alethea	Lifelong friend, artist
21	January 17	Joshie	friend, lover
22	January 18	Malissa	Friend from waaaay back in high school, found me through Myspace
23	January 23	Claire	Friend..
24	January 24	Sarah	Friend
25	January 25	Jackie	Friend, ambitious
26	January 31	Seth	Friend’s boyfriend, works with friend’s sister, wears glasses
27	January 31	Vanessa	Friend, might have just gotten me a job
January Total		27	As expected, most hugs came early. Realized flaw in plan when people started hugging repeatedly in misguided attempt to skew results
28	February 2	Becky	…………
29	February 2	Pammy!	Friend, one of three that qualify for ! status
30	February 3	Jonathan B. Trust	Friend, Gabe the Beaver creator, former comedic partner
31	February 4	Kelly	Friend of friend. Hug might not count as it was part of group hug
32	February 4	Sarah Lou	Friend of friend, met once, watched “Popular” together, never saw again. Possibly most successful relationship to date.
33	February 6	Dad	Relative of some sort
34	February 7	Vicky	Friendly acquaintance (FA). Makes me sad, yet annoys me at the same time. Impressive.
35	February 9	Kevin	Brother of lady that once hired me/acquaintance
36	February 9	Jennifer	Lady that once hired me, Facebook poking pal
37	February 9	Sarah	Avatar of Greek Goddess Athena. Favorite Sarah and third favorite Stoltzfus. In a pinch, her last name is a good password.
38	February 11	Paul	Friend of brother/brother of friend
39	February 12	Beth	Former high school teacher, MESA sponsor
40	February 14	Jenna	Annoying, trite, stupid, hoey girl. Has no known mute button
41	February 16	Natisha	Former coworker
42	February 18	Brooke	Super poke buddy, suspect she might have crush on me
43	February 24	Fiche	Former ? Current _
44	February 25	Blanca	Old lady that likes to hug people, I guess
February Total		17	Decrease in new hugs as time moves forward makes me reconsider pace of project
45	March 7	Whitney	Photo friend… sort of. Sorority chick, mostly
46	March 7	Lorraine	Whatever
47	March 7	Sandy!	Friend, road trip buddy, most fun/awesome person ever! One of three that qualifies for ! status
48	March 9	Rachel	Boss, vegetarian
49	March 9	Theresa	Coworker
50	March 9	Judy	Coworker
51	March 9	Claire	Coworker
52	March 9	Josa	Coworker, very nice
53	March 9	Aaron	Coworker, does impersonations… constantly
54	March 9	Steve	Coworker, Brittish
55	March 11	Jayna	X
56	March 15	Trumpie	Former roommate, constant friend, nicest guy, great person, funny, creationist bashing, easy to get along with, quarrelsome… The world would be a far, far better place if there were more T-Robs and less enemas.
57	March 15	Cassie	Wonderful person, fun. I once drove to Las Vegas to see her
58	March 19	Stefania	Buddie, once liaison for Pix Capacitor, gave me free pizza
59	March 21	Emmy	Prize awarded for excellence in television entertainment
60	March 22	Adelay	I’ll get myself in trouble if I attempt to write anything here (D’oh!)
61	March 24	Shea	Friend. Ditto.
62	March 24	Elexis	FA
63	March 24	Kim	One of two fun girls that would go around dorms to hang out. Once gave “Dude, Where’s My Car?” as collateral to borrow money for drugs. Hence why I now own “Dude, Where’s My Car?”
64	March 24	Regular Kyle	Crazy former roommate of Trumpet Rob. Smart, funny. Leader in April Fool’s pranks. Calls me “Carlyle.”
65	March 24	Ryan	Other fun girl that would hang out in dorms. Once flashed me for Mardi Gras beads
66	March 27	Cara	FA
67	March 29	Sarah	Poking buddy, Trumpie’s GF. Really fun, awesome chick. Am glad Trumpie found someone worthwhile.
68	March 30	Jess	Avatar of Greek Goddess Aphrodite. Former roommate, current fun, funny, smart, beautiful, quirky person. Recently sent me a Voodoo doll, regularly threatens to kill me. Utterly wonderful human being, am better person for knowing her.
March Total		24	Leaving job, traveling across country to see old friends is a great way to artificially boost count
69	April 1	Jacki	Jess’ best friend, also a wonderful person in her own right.
70	April 6	Bother	No relation
71	April 7	Ellie	Couch surfing friend, fun, great dancer
72	April 7	Katrina	Couch surfing friend
73	April 7	Crystal	Couch surfing host, great host, a bit too flirty
74	April 7	K.J.	Pool playing chick, seemed very fun and intriguing, not flirty enough.
75	April 7	Megan	Old high school friend, lunch buddy, too fun
76	April 8	Hector	Old high school friend’s husband. Awkward.
77	April 11	Starlit	Friend’s ex, ex friend
78	April 13	Eggroll	Asian… Hey! She calls herself Eggroll!
79	April 14	Negro	Now I’m just messing with you
80	April 15	Renne	Negro’s GF, once walked the walk of death with us
81	April 19	Mario	Little cousin, loves me despite (or because of) my constantly dropping him on the head as a child
82	April 23	Miguel	Brother of a former BFF (sans the second F)
83	April 25	Kyle	Frank’s brother, has broken more bones than not
84	April 25	Tina	Friend’s GF, once tried to make out with me in a pool
85	April 27	Jessy	Former part of lesbian duo, currently an alcoholic
86	April 27	Vanessa	Person at Jessy’s party, never to be seen again (this is common)
April Total		18	Return to New Mexico with reinvigorated sense of purpose only to be crushed by life yet again
87	May 4	Cow	Lesbian friend’s gay cousin, possible evidence homosexuality is genetic
88	May 4	Sam	FA (High school)
89	May 12	Bridgett	FA (High school)
90	May 12	Vinney	FA
91	May 12	Heather	FA
92	May 15	Mikey	Philosophy boyfriend
93	May 15	Vincent	Philosophy friend, current competition for grad school
94	May 15	Cassandra	Oldest Journalism friend
95	May 19	Master Kim	Tae Kwan Do blackbelt, funny
96	May 30	Enrique	Uncle, belated birthday hug
May Total		10	Hugging spree lowers as does morale. New hug project has me track when and how often people hug me for six months. Results to be posted later.
97	June 5	Alyne	Former PREP head, short lady. Once gave me a TI-83 calculator for free
98	June 14	Meagan	Photography FA
99	June 16	Luz Elena	Aunt, Mormon
100	June 16	Dr. Christian	Brother’s best friend, smart guy
101	June 23	Jose Luis	God father, uncle
102	June 23	Yazmín	Cousin, Myspace fanatic
June Total		6	Summer months and lack of outside contact make me sad, but studying for GREs makes me sadder
103	July 1	Stephanie	Second grade friend
104	July 1	Kris	Former part of lesbian duo, friend?
105	July 2	Shawn Breeze	Friend’s GF, friend, fun
106	July 2	Liiiiiiz!	Also called Bow, friend, one of three people that qualifies for ! status
107	July 3	Jenny	Second grade friend, sister of high school friend
108	July 8	Billie Jean	Not my lover, met once at lesbian friend’s party then never saw again. Surprisingly common occurrence, actually
109	July 20	Claudia	Same as above
110	July 20	Bruce	Freelance photojournalist, former professor, friend, Web design client
111	July 21	Casey	Cute Chili’s waitress, thinks I’m funny
112	July 21	Tiana	Chili’s hostess, underage
113	July 21	Patty	Cousin
114	July 21	Joaquin	Cousin
115	July 21	Joaquin	Uncle. D-bag.
116	July 28	Genaro	Uncle, we are not at all alike, damn it!
117	July 28	Ivana	Niece, very affectionate, wonderful person
118	July 28	Oskhar	Nephew, funny, cool kid, is really fun, too
119	July 28	Karla	Cousin (favorite or second favorite depending on the year), character in my novel, love and miss her
120	July 28	Irene	Aunt, surprisingly concientious, best meals I’ve had all year were prepared by her hands
121	July 28	Gabo	Cousin
122	July 29	Tercia	Aunt, Brasileiro
123	July 29	Luciana	Cousin, fun, albeit snarky. Finally becoming a person I could consider a friend
July Total		20	Family is generally more affectionate than strangers on the street. Trip to visit them provided much needed hugs. Highlight of year by far.
124	August 4	Gerardo	Uncle
125	August 9	Lalo	Guy who has a crush on my cousin
126	August 12	Eddie	Friend of cousin, camp buddy
127	August 12	Vero	Friend of cousin, camp FA
128	August 12	Ariana	Friend of cousin, camp buddy
129	August 23	Linda	Friend, friend/arch-nemesis’ brother’s roommate/lover
130	August 27	Summer	Broadcaster FA
131	August 29	Pam	Professor
August Total		8	Nothing to say
132	September 16	Jessica	Friend of friend, fun, cute, but never seen again
133	September 17	Karla	FA (High school)
134	September 18	Orpha	FA (High school), brother’s ex
135	September 22	Bonnie	Mother of friend
136	September 22	Jackie	Daughter of Master Kim
September Total		5	Lull as I write writing sample
137	October 2	Sterling	Friend’s brother
138	October 4	Jonathan	American
139	October 4	Megan	Studious girl, boyfriend killed himself last year
140	October 7	Kylene	Lesbian friend’s friend, ran into at a club then never seen again. Surprisingly common
141	October 7	Laura	Sister??? Well, that’s half right…
142	October 7	Stephanie	Cousin of friend/arch-nemesis’ girlfriend
143	October 7	Claudia	Same
144	October 8	Mo’	High school BFF (sans the second F)
145	October 11	Anabel	Friend/arch-nemesis’ girlfriend
146	October 28	Sandra	Girl at party
147	October 28	Nancy	Girl at party’s sister
148	October 31	Crystal	Friend/arch-nemesis’ brother’s roommate/lover’s sister
October Total		12	Unexplained statistical anomaly made this a productive hug month
149	November 7	Eileen	FA (High school), I knew her as Linda before the… incident
150	November 21	Alberto	Uncle: crude
151	November 21	Jorge	Uncle
152	November 21	Cata	Step-grandmother
153	November 21	Jorgito	17 y.o. 1.5th cousin with own business
154	November 22	Vanessa	Little 3/2nds cousin, so cute I knocked her tooth out.
155	November 23	Adryana	17 y.o. 1 and 1/2th cousin, really cool and fun
156	November 23	Andres	No comment
157	November 25	Lupe T.	Second aunt, very cool, friend on hi5
158	November 25	Claudia	One and a halfth cousin, birthday is the 28th
159	November 25	Alexandra	Three halfths cousin, cool, but with hidden attitude
160	November 28	Kassidy	High-school friend
November Total		12	Another Navajo saying: if low on hugs, go visit family
161	December 15	Joanna	Friend of a friend: she graduated that day
162	December 15	David	Old friend, must e-mail soon
163	December 28	Yanira	Sister-in-law
December Total		3	Not anomalous at all

… I was going to make a chart and graph, but after manually typing all of those entries in, maybe I won’t.
Today I am thankful for… hugs

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