Texts I’ve sent in the last seven days

I got this idea from Abigail. Keep in mind that my phone doesn’t actually store anything in my outbox, so I had to reimagine these texts based on my inbox:

• Would you vote for Barack Obama if you found out he was black?
• What if you found out Hillary Clinton was a woman?
• Which is worse: cupcakes with vanilla icing, multiple orgasms, or cannibals eating you alive without seasoning?
• I’m sorry mom, I meant to send those last few ‘push’ texts to the NAACP and MADD.
• The spare keys are under the doormat.
• My social security number is 463-83-7996, and my pin number is 1470, use them wisely, my son.
• I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean by ‘did you tell him the baby was not his and that I was still cheating on him?’ Can you clarify?
• Oh, I wasn’t aware it was a secret. What’s the point of telling me gossip if I can’t trade it for licorice sticks?
• … Oh, well you really should have specified that it was confidential. I’m afraid it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
• Eh, you’ll get over it. No sense in apologizing.
• 
• … well that was rude. You realize you’re going to have to apologize for that, right?
• Hey, how are you?
• Well, how about if I said that I hated you and wished you were raped by a large appalacian man with no sense of pain or care for your suffering?? How would you like that?
• Sorry mom, I meant to send that last text to grandma.

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