How the future has failed

Hi, it’s me again: Pixel at age 10. I’m really angry at you all, because there is no flying cars and you guys have had YEARS to make them. Years.

There’s more reasons you have failed. Let me list them. Here is the list:

1. No laser guns. Lasers already exist, and should have been converted into guns in 2000. Future fails = is lame.
2. There is a war? Who in the world would agree to that? Wars are bad, they should have stopped as soon as you guys stopped being the present and became the future. Why didn’t that happen? This is lame.
   Also, didn’t we already go to war in Iraq? Or maybe I’m thinking of Germany. Am I thinking of Germany?
3. Teleportation not yet invented. They had the models already ready from Star Trek! How hard could it be to imitate those?
4. Very few aliens. I don’t know who to blame for that, but it is very lame.
5. Space travel is minimal. What happened? We’ve been to the moon. America won. Why not have a chicken contest to see which country can get closest to the sun? Lame.

Some good things about the future:

1. More McDonald’s and Wal-Marts. Those are good and fun.
2. People can talk to other people even if they are walking around the street… without using a pay phone.
3. Computers are everywhere.
4. Movies come in metallic circles. Very futuristic.
5. TVs can be flat.

Overall, I give the future an F minus. With extra-credit, maybe the future can get an F.

Thanks for reading me. I wrote this. Therefore, I am the best.

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I am in California!

Please see Monday’s post for a disclaimer.
And now, for some highlights of this most recent leg of my journey:

• I left Moira’s house in the wee hours of the morning
• Along the way, the craziest thing happened!
• California had the hugest earthquake and broke off the United States!
• … You probably heard it on the news, unless Bill Clinton said a racial epithet or they found that guy that killed that chick marine.
• Anyway, the rift occurred just behind me as I passed into the California border and the car behind me fell into the ocean!
• (Yes, for some reason, when the desert splits, rather than the miles of rock underneath being visible, the Pacific just swooped in to fill the gap.)
• You probably knew that I was an olympic medalist, coast guard, life guard a few years ago, so I knew just what to do!
• I called 911.
• By the time they arrived, all of the people in the car had died cruel, cruel deaths.
• I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do.
• I kept driving and arrived in Los Angeles in time for supper.
• We had Chilaquiles.
• It’s a Mexican dish that tastes yummy.
• Then I slept like a rock.
• I thought I’d have PTSD, but I mostly felt seasick.
• … I wonder if any of the people in the car behind me were cute chicks my age.

Last Year: Measuring love
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Why Pentaceratops is more awesomer than Triceratops

Me at age 22 asked me now to guest post. I had to ask what a guest post was. My teacher in first grade, Mr. Archuleta, told me about e-mail once and my brother’s teacher told him what a fax machine was. I think it helps you do your taxes, but I don’t know for sure.

Anyways, I’m writing a guest post, but writing gets tiring, so I just want to say why Pentaceratops is more awesome than Triceratops. Here’s a list:

1. Pentaceratops has FIVE (5) horns compared to Triceratops’ Three (3). Pentaceratops wins.
2. Pentaceratops lived in New Mexico, Triceratops lived in Colorado, Wyoming, and whatever MO and SD are. Pentaceratops wins.
3. In a fight, the three horns of the Triceratops would be tied with three of Pentaceratops’ horns, which would leave Pentaceratops two more horns to attack and thus win.
4. Though Triceratops and Stegosaurus are evenly matched, as we saw in 3, Pentaceratops could beat Triceratops, so it could also beat Stegosaurus.
5. Pentaceratops has the largest known skull for a land vertebrate. A scientist said that. Largest known means that it’s larger than Triceratops. And we all know larger is better. Pentaceratops wins.

Thanks for reading my writing. And also, I am the best.

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I am in Arizona!

Actually, I’m writing this ahead of time so that, if I cannot get to the Internet today, you’ll still be able to read some yummy A Pixelated Mind thoughts.

So this is my new map. I’ve made four.  Get to know and love it.  But you guys don’t want to know where I am.  You want to learn what my trip has been like thus far. 

So now, in no particular order, here are the crazy things that (will) have happened to me thus far:

• Just as I’d gotten out of New Mexico, I realized I’d forgotten my cell phone, wallet, and most of my clothes.
• I drove back the four hours to my house, repacked, then headed out again…
• … only to realize I had forgotten to get dressed and was, sadly, naked.
• I stopped on the side of the road to get dressed when a police officer came up demanding oral sex or he’d send me to jail.
• I let him give me oral sex.
• Then I drove for a few hours until a deer jumped in front of me.
• I wish I’d had a video camera, because I didn’t know that deer played hopscotch.
• So, after a few hours of driving and exhausting my entire collection of podcasts, I broke down in Tucson.
• I fixed my car in two minutes, but the exposure to the Tucson sun gave me a blistering sunburn.
• Then, at about 9, I arrived on campus at ASU and sat in on my friend Moira’s Introduction to Philosophy class.
• I took notes, but I was completely unprepared for her pop quiz.  I’m going to stick around afterward to see if I can make it up.
• We went to eat pizza.
• Now I’m sitting at her computer writing out this post.
• … only I’m not, because I wrote this last week.

See you soon!

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House cleaning

Some quick administrative business before this week starts off:

This week marks my odyssey to Seattle. I plan on arriving far earlier than the end of the week, but I thought I’d give myself some time off just in case. So I’ve written some advanced drafts chronicling my journey ahead of time (you’ll get the hang of it). I’ve also decided to have some guest bloggers. Now, I’ve done this once before with my M.I.A. pal Ex_cal and everyone seemed to enjoy it. However, since Ex_cal uses swear words as punctuation, I’ve decided to try someone new. I’ve decided to try someone who shows a lot of promise, but has little experience. I’ve decided to try someone everyone already loves, but nobody has considered.

I am, of course, talking about myself at age 10.

So, whenever there is no advanced posts written by me, and none of my other coauthors can pick up the slack, prepare to see some posts by Young Pixel. Give him a chance. He’s got potential and I like him. He reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age. Of course I was much smarter, sexier, and far more popular.

But let him get the hang of things and sooner or later, you’ll grow to love him like you love me: only it’ll be illegal for you.

Sincerely,

Pixel, age 22, © 2008

p.s. Amelia, Adelay, Lee: do you guys realize that you can post to my blog? One of the hidden perks to registering is that I give everyone author privileges. You should abuse them sometime: it might be fun!

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