He is such an upstanding citizen

“We don’t want any drunk people here.  So if you’re at this party and you’re drunk, I want you to get in your car right now and drive home.”

— Daniel Davenport

Last Year: I am thankful for reality
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crisp, the wind, and bitter cold

and on it autumn’s arcane song

Last Year: Killing kittens by the truckload
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The Guest Star Strikes Back!

It seems Pixel is still being a lazy bugger about the daily update thing. And so, once more I rip the reigns from his sweating, nervous hands and steer this baby in the direction of an update, loosing several sled dogs in this awkward metaphor.

In case you don’t get it, the ’sled dogs’ are readers. I’m losing him readers, though probably not in as direct a fashion as smashing them into trees along the path, or anything. Anyway, I’ve met some of his readers, none of you would do any good pulling a sled. You’d be useless at it. It’s not a criticism, just a fact. A highly, highly, critical fact about how useless you’d all be at sled pulling. But anyway, enough of that, we all know you’re horrible at pulling people on sleds across the arctic tundra, let’s not dwell on your specific inadequacies.

So, onto a genuine topic. Pixel may discuss deep philosophical conflicts under the guise of assault and robbery, but as I have no depth I must use what I have. As a nerd without a current sex life I watch a lot of movies (that should go down in the wall of genuinely great introductions). As such I have developed a number of modern Hollywood theories. One of which I will describe today. I call it the “You can get alot of Hookers and Cocaine for $80,000,000″ theory.

The modern action movie (this theory does not apply to comedies, where aside from the occasional slapstick stunt, most of the cost is in the stars) is a rollicking rollercoaster of special effects, stuntwork, explosions, insurance for big stars, and (for some) giant costumes of creepy things. That costs alot of money. The first Hellboy movie cost $66 million dollars. That is an enormous amount of money to throw into a project.

I can’t quote my sources (since I can’t remember where I read it, so you’ll have to trust me on this), but I read somewhere that over three quarters or more of the A-list movies made today make a loss on their opening release (nearly all movies make SOME degree of profit over time. Even Waterworld has now made a profit, because of DVD sales). Three quarters of the movies made. Hollywood is kept afloat by the remaining quarter or less, which make enough of a profit to keep the industry going.

So, let’s consider our current facts. Movies cost a crapload of money (which could be spent on hookers, hotel rooms and drugs). A majority of movies fail.

It’s reasonable to conclude from that, that investors want SOME form of guarantee that this is likely to be one of those movies that does well. Easiest form this guarantee can take is the following:

“This movie is based on (X pre-existing successful intellectual property) which has already been successful in the past.”

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your reason that so many movies nowdays are adaptations from comics/computer games/old TV shows, or remakes of previous movies. If you’ve got $10,000,000 and three options before you, which will you take.

1. An interesting script with a star lined up about a completely untested intellectual property, with no way to measure if it will generate any buzz or publicity on its own, let alone how the common audience member will react to its setting.

2. An interesting script with a star lined up about a very well known intellectual property from late 80’s cartoons, with enormous buzz already lining the internet about “Possible (IP) movie coming up!”, and enormous about of pre-existing publicity.

3. Sam and her/his three friends with a large pile of what I PRESUME is chaulk, in the high rollers room at a Las Vegas hotel.

Granted, I imagine many of you would choose option three, but let’s put you lot aside for a minute while you imagine chaulk inspired rumpy pumpy followed by losing a million bucks on a bad craps roll.

Of options 1 and 2, option 2 has IMMENSELY less risk. When you’re throwing millions of dollars into something, you want it to have a more-then-average-chance-of-success. So that is why so many stupid remakes/adaptations are being made now, ladies and gentlemen.

Now someone go reign Marvel in before they go COMPLETELY insane and make a ‘Squirrel Girl’ movie. But not before they make a Silver Surfer solo movie. Or a Deadpool movie. GOD help you if you stop them before they make a Deadpool movie. I will ride down from the sky upon a mount formed out of my rage and hatred and SMITE you with a weapon forged by my nerdicity. It will be +5 and vorpal.

As another harmful plug, go check my blog for more rants in a similar vein to this. It’s linked to somewhere on the site, I believe. Nerdgasm-Unlimited.

Last Year: Some things that are coincidences and some that are not
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Guest Star: Some guy!

Since Pixel has failed his goal of “a post a day”, I figured I should at least make an attempt for the SITE to succeed in that goal. As long as there are 30 posts this month, it all averages out, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, some of you know me, some of you don’t. My name is Stephen, and I am a nerd. Our esteemed ‘Pix’, being an academic fellow with glasses, is also a nerd, and as such we got along famously. Really, it was in all the papers. Bumped “What is Princess Di’s body up to!?” off the front cover of numerous magazines, we did.

However, since I find it difficult to fill up my own blog (the Nerdgasm one linked somewhere here) with relevant insights into the potentially meaningless human condition through a case study of the transitional subculture(s) of “Nerd”, I have little chance of using this blog for ‘relevancy’, ‘insights’, ‘conditioner’, or ‘however’.

Something Pix is known for in Australia, is as the ‘Creator of the NSS’ (as well as the hater of those who misuse ’s). NSS stands for Non-Sequitor Segue. It is when someone new joins a conversation, and you say something that makes them feel like they have walked in halfway through an absolutely amazing story. I have taken the NSS and run with it so far, that it’s tethering cord has snapped with the force of a broken steel cable and decapitated me. Metaphorically, at least. In my blog nearly every post has an NSS of varying degrees of quality. Today, I will share with you my personal favourites.

• … And that’s when I had to admit I didn’t have my pilot’s license.
• … And that is why I don’t have foreskin anymore.
• … So this huge giant robot fell on me. Thankfully I woke up seconds before the impact. My beautiful girlfriend rolled over in the bed and checked I was ok. After I said I was, she fell on me. Unfortunately I woke up seconds before the impact.
• … So… yeah… That thing I just told you I did? Don’t do that mate. It really burns y- Oh hey I didn’t see you there.
• … And so, I now have a pathological fear of geese and foam, but am strangely aroused by foamy geese.
• … So there I was, beer in one hand, penis in the other, having to confront the awful reality that neither of them were mine.
• … And that, dear friends, is why I am legally obliged to wear a belt at all times. The judge was lenient, though, and made that the only condition of my release.
• … So I’m standing there looking the Prince in the eyes with a look of sheer surprise and embarrassment on my face. This only got more awkward when I felt urine seeping down my trouser legs and staining my pants. Although apparently when a Prince pisses on your leg in that culture it’s a sign of respect.
• … So there I was, around the middle of the line of people, starring off at the penguin tank in the distance, with somone else’s pants around my ankles…
• … So there I was, clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, and I was stuck in the middle with this guy.
• … And I look up from pulling up my pants, and there’s this little old asian lady grinning at me. And to this day I don’t know if she was laughing at me, or laughing with me.

There you are, Pix. Once more, I have to save your arse. Although this time it’s actually saving your arse, rather then just deciding not to mess with it.

Pix, if this post is inappropriate for some reason, feel free to do your “grand power of the editor” thing with it. I’ll just send you a nasty email insulting your species later on.

Last Year: Guide to the extended family
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When she’s crying, I start lying

I think I just quit nablopomo.

Last Year: I <3 Hugs
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