Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XIX of XXVI)

This is where I’m glad that my phonebook is alphabetical by nicknames rather than anything else.

• You should come out with us more.  You’re relatively cool, but mostly we just want to hang out with your friends.
• I didn’t make anything better and was likely instrumental in making it significantly worse.  I truly am sorry about that.
• You make my world a better place.  Or at least you would, if you weren’t so unreliable that even when we end up by happenstance in the same place at the same time, you stand me up and go hang out with lame-os. 
• He is selfish and crazy.  Please realize this.  Or, because it makes everyone else’s life easier: don’t. I just think I would feel bad if you end up stuck with him because nobody warned you.  I think Eva Braun started like that.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVIII of XXVI)

Man… did everyone in New Mexico’s name start with this letter?

• I love all the books you’ve given me and all the games we’ve played and am glad and proud to call you my true friend.
• Please explain whether you are in love with me as a person or as a boy.  Then please explain if you are a lesbian or bisexual.  Then please explain how you have a child.  *ahem*  What. The. Hell.
• I think you should start dating again.  But I don’t even know how to counsel you to start.
• I did not love who you thought I did.  But mostly what I wish I could say is that it is sad that you believe your own bullshit.
• Hey – making fun of people only works if it’s in jest and they are that kind of friends.  Shut the hell up.
• Man, why didn’t you invite me to your birthday party?  That would have been cool.
• I wish you’d stayed funny instead of turning into a lush.  You had insane amounts of talent.
• I’m sorry your boyfriend killed himself.  I’m sorry I used the occasion to become your friend.  I’m not sorry I asked you out, but I am sorry that you said no.  And I’m not sorry that you left the country shortly thereafter.
• You taught me to stand on my head and made cookies, because you were so cool.  Now I know how to do neither.  So… maybe you’re not a good teacher?
• I’m sorry that I got into your field because I had nothing better to do and ended up doing so much better in it than you did.  I feel bad that you asked me to do that.
• I should have kissed you seven years ago.  I should never have stopped being your friend.  But the few times I’ve talked to you since then make me feel like maybe I made the right decision after all.. (?)
• I’m not at all hurt that you didn’t call me back when I asked out your voicemail.  I was actually sort of hoping for that.
• You are a fabulous person.  We should hang out more than once (1) total in life.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVII of XXVI)

Hm.  I see what I did here.

• We should hang out about 10 percent more often than we currently do.  Because right now you seem too cool, but I think 10 percent more saturation ought to do it.
• I look forward to coming up with witty and original ways of referring to you in the months to come.
• You’re neither as funny nor as cool as you think you are.  I don’t know why my friends still insist on hanging out with you.
• You’re neither as funny nor as interesting as you think you are.  I don’t know why you are still alive.
• Cheer up, silly pants!  You don’t build a career by thinking you’re talentless and shouldn’t even bother.

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Worst Segues Ever

Gakked from Steve:

• … But enough about your dad dying, have you ever heard of pet rocks?
• … speaking of things breaking when they’re not supposed to…
• … speaking of Billy, you know how when you dropped off your child, you said ‘don’t lose him’ and we all laughed?…
• … now that you mention it, I’ve had something I wanted to tell you about your stupid face for a while now.
• … while we’re on the topic of accidents, how ’bout that daughter of yours?

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVI of XXVI)

….  well, this is a short post.  I know two people who have this letter as the first letter of their name.  Neither of them are in my phone book.  But who cares, right?

• ¡Piyo!  Te quiero mucho y me caes muy bien.
• I don’t actually appreciate your sense of humor quite so much.  It can border on conceit.  But you’re a ridiculously smart man and hilarious most times.

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