Gabe the Test-Taking Techie

Dear Gabe,

How do you deal with Midterms? I know when it comes to the bottom line, I usually choke.

—Joe Frosch

Dear Joe,

It’s no secret that midterms are tough. It’s extremely hard to sink your teeth into them. Especially when you’re a beaver, like my girlfriend Clara.* What I usually do is take the tests one at a time and organize as many study groups as possible. Study groups keep you honest. Plus, you can steal other, smarter, people’s notes.

*Quit thinking that, you pervert!

Dear Gabe,

You’re going out with another dam-builder? How cute.

—Joe Setup

Dear Joe,

What do you mean?

—Gabe

Write To Gabe!

It’s the only thing that keeps him from gnawing off his hands

“Remember kids!

If it dangles, punch a hole in it!”

October 18, 2002 at 10:49 pm | In note to self | | No Comments

Gabe the High-Brow Beaver

Dear Gabe,

Why do people shave their eyebrows?

-Seattle-based Service Administrator.

Dear Ass-backwards,

You are probably saying this in remarks to what a local editor of a local paper did to his local face. Well, the most simple response to that is that people are stupid. We’re not saying this local editor is stupid, after all, he’s a genius with a great body, great smile, awesome sense of humor and inexplicable charisma. No, what we’re saying is that everyone with eyebrows is stupid. Those of you without eyebrows are raising your muscles at me right now. You know what I mean.

 

Write To Gabe!
He gets lonely at night.

 

“Remember kids! Karma is Sloppy and Slow.”

October 4, 2002 at 9:45 pm | In note to self | | No Comments

Gabe v. Joseph Lovato

Dear Gabe,

I have a friend that’s having some problems with his mates. See, this friend, let’s call him Fishypoo, is living with this guy, let’s call him donkeybuttbrain, who is not your typical roommate. Assuming your typical roommate doesn’t bring his girlfriend down and try to hide her from you. What’s more is that after he said she moved out he still kept her two more days. But that seems to be over now, as my friend says “phew!”

In case you didn’t know, phew is a sigh of relief. Anyway, my friend also hasn’t said a word to his suitemates. Which means that no one has committed themselves to cleaning the bathroom.

Not only that, but my friend lost his backpack, which had his $90 calculator, his $60 camera, and a final exam that has no photocopies anywhere. My friend is losing his mind! What should I do?

-Friend in Need.

Dear Friend In Deed,

The proper solution is to get a new, better, friend.

September 13, 2002 at 12:17 am | In note to self | | No Comments

Gabe, the Internet Guru

Dear Gabe,
I’ve taken a liking to boy bands. Is that bad?

–Joe Pop

Dear Joe,
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with boy bands. In fact, they are some of that most talended musicians out there in the music biz today. Do you know how long it takes to memorize the lyrics to songs you’ve never heard before in your entire life? And then they have to learn all those different, yet oddly similar dance moves. It’s the subtle changes–right step instead of left, a little quicker on the third step, arm up instead of down– that make each video so unique and inspirational. Each song has its own meaning–manufactured, err, written, to make every single teen out of millions feel like the song was made with her own unique situation in mind. Then they have to sell it. Do you know how hard it is to look sincere every single time they say, “you’re the only one” into a crowd of 20,000 screaming teenyboppers. It takes a lot to be those guys and I commend them for their efforts. Long live the New Kids on the Block!!

Dear Gabe,
Is it still a good question if there is not an answer?

–John [GI3470]

Dear John,
Philosophers such as myself have long debated that issue: whether it’s important to ask a question if there is no definite answer. I believe some writer-guy wrote “To be or not to be.” That ties in here somewhere…
Anyway, that guy was totally off. Why ask a question if there is no answer? Sure, you could get some deep, profound, philosophical conversation going, but a box of Cracker Jacks could do the very same thing if handled properly. So, to answer your question, a question can be good without an answer, but nothing beats Cracker Jacks.

Dear Gabe,
Why do they sterilize a needle for a lethal injection?

–Chad[MsBchRUs]

Dear Chad,
I believe it’s to tease the inmates. It’s like they’re saying “We’re not going to let some little bacteria on the needle kill you and take all the fun away, we want to do it ourselves!” It’s wonderful they’re so responsible like that.

Dear Gabe,
I just turned thirty, but I feel like im 25, is that natural?

–Wethah

Dear Wethah
It’s a perfectly normal sign of immortality you’re experiencing right now. Sure, it may seem strange right now, but after a few hundred years you’ll learn to deal with it. See, when you’re 60, you’ll feel like you’re only 50, and when you reach 120, you’ll swear you’re only 100. If you don’t want to live eternally, take up smoking and/or incorporate a healthy serving of McDonald’s to each and every meal.

February 5, 2001 at 6:47 pm | In note to self | | No Comments