RE: Adding Humour to Lachlan

Thanks for the email Gabe,

I’m reading bits of your website as I get the chance.

Are you a Mac student?

Word length for articles - full page 600 words - half page is half that.

Karl.

September 12, 2005 at 9:10 am | In note to self | | No Comments

Adding Humor to Lachlan

I couldn’t help but overhear that you wanted to add some humour to your wonderful publication. Look no more! I, Gabe the advice-giving Beaver am here to help.

Perhaps you’ve seen my work in Panther Tracks, Carver’s BT, the Pix Capacitor, or (soon) the Round Up.

I am the beaver, not the deceiver, who’s so hot he’ll give you a fever. I write with the upper leagues and fall twice as quickly. I have fans half-way around the world and three-quarters of the way back again. And my price is miniscule to moderate.

All I ask is carte blanche on topics and regularity. I do my best work when I know how much to write and by when. Nothing else. And censoring only hurts us all. You, as a publisher, would know that as well as I.

Let me know, Karl, and we could be witnessing the beginning of a beautiful work-related acquaintanceship,
Gabe D. Beaver

p.s. for samples, check out gabe.pixcapacitor.com. Our IT guy whomps, but the text is still funny.

September 8, 2005 at 7:39 pm | In note to self | | No Comments

Tao of Gabe: On Compliments

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Rhetorical Beaver here with a lesson in ‘Ninja Speak.’ The idea of ninja speak is to leave your opponent rubbing his proverbial bum from a verbal shellacking that he is reasonably sure came from your direction, but can’t quite prove. It’s the most disheartening of the passive-aggressive oratory arts and also the most amusing to learn.

Today’s lesson involves segments of speech that are politely called ‘backhanded compliments.’ The idea is simple and stolen from the Greeks (as it is with all the passive-aggressive arts including metaphysics, the media, and politics).

During the Trojan War, the Greeks decided to launch their final attack in the night from inside the Trojan’s impregnable walls as you’ll recall from the Illiad-inspired movie Troy (inspired in the sense that cow pies are inspired by regular pies). The theory was that if they gave Troy a giant, wooden horse (it was a well-known fact that Troy at the time was building a giant, wooden chess set), the Trojans would just take it inside, not bothering to look the gift in the mouth.

The Greeks hid inside the horse and escaped in the night, killing the unguarded Trojan army, much to the chagrin of a condom company and local high school some 3000 years later.

The lesson and analogy, then, is that the only way to truly hurt somebody sometimes is to make them think you’ve given up and are actually trying to help them.

If you still don’t get what I mean, consider the following statement: “Angela has a beautiful soul, Benjamin is a great person, and Carlos… has great hair.”
That statement, though it technically complimented Carlos, still implied that he was not a great person and did not have a beautiful soul.

The idea is to propel the train of thought to a fixed destination, but cease pushing once the momentum is certain.

Done poorly, the person you’re speaking to will ask what you’re implying immediately after you say it. For instance, “they say Stephen is a miniature Nazi, but I don’t think he’s that short.” While this works exceedingly well as an insult, the true Ninja Speaker attacks quickly and powerfully without drawing attention to the fact.

Unfortunately, backhanded compliments can never be taught, they must be discovered. That is to say, there is no formula other than thinking of a fault and working a sentence around it.

For instance:

“I wish I were as sure of myself as he is. He always gets his way.”

“He’s so good with his fists. Every single time I see him get into a fight, I can’t help but admire him.”

“He’s so nice. And I admire how he doesn’t stress out over deep concepts.”

When you become a Speaking Master, you will be able to finish my list for me. In the meantime, go out and learn the hard way how taking a beaver’s advice can backfire in new and amusing ways.

Love, Trojan style,
Gabriel D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: Ninja Speak should only be used as self-defense… Or if it’ll be really, really funny at the time.”

September 8, 2005 at 7:17 pm | In note to self | | No Comments

Tao of Gabe: On Mascots

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Inconspicuous Beaver here to try to quell the flames of hatred. It seems there has been a ‘controversy’ over the rumors of the proposed changing of NMSU’s mascot. Of course, if my information is wrong and there isn’t a proposed change (which is entirely possible), then there will be a rumor as soon as this is published.

We in the media like to be responsible, we just don’t like being held responsible.
It seems that every year there is a ‘controversy’ on campus that has half the student body in an uproar (the torso and pelvis). Of course, this always leaves the other half (head, arms and legs) wondering just what is going on.

Most students are always left out of these controversies. For instance, do you remember that year when the controversy was over whether NMSU should clone three-legged puppies, do infantile canine stem-cell research, infect them with an experimental AIDS-Anthrax combination, then sell them to the Chinese black market for pennies on the dollar?

No? Nevermind then, I guess it wasn’t that controversial.

In any case, the ‘controversy’ reminds me of my own days as a student when our school wanted to change their mascot from Malcomn the Black Panther to something less racial like Paco the Brown Coyote, Apache the Red Buffalo, or Han the Yellow Panda.

My own group of friends was divided quite evenly between Fred the Ripe Tomato and Chuck the Crunchy Carrot. Personally, I was a fan of Dave the Biting Mosquito.

In the end, nobody won but Han, who died soon afterward from a rare and literal form of Yellow Fever. So now that controversy once again rips at the seams of my institution, I have decided not to take sides.

I understand both sides and respect them equally. I understand that Pistol Pete is a crazy, gun-toting maniac who sends the wrong message about NMSU and his crazy-ass rampage must be stopped before any cheerleaders get poked in the eye with a metaphorical gun (notice how good taste prevailed and I said ‘eye’ ‘metaphorical’ and ‘gun’ respectively?).

On the other hand, I also understand that he is our crazy, gun-toting maniac. So what if he represents an era that none of us can remember? The point is that he’s as much a part of New Mexico State University as the parking lots that are being torn up and (presumably) repaved.

Have they no sense of history (I’m not sure who I’m referring to, I just know I’m angry. You can tell by how many question marks I’ll put at the end of these parentheses)????

(Four, by the way)

In any case, a mark of pride for me with our current mascot has always been that he is the only mascot that wins every time he’s put up against UTEP’s mascot (Mining Myrtle). That is to say he would, if they didn’t load his guns with blanks.

Love, Panda Style,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: Ending a sentence with four question marks is a serious breech of English grammar. In most instances, three would suffice.”

September 1, 2005 at 7:19 pm | In note to self | | No Comments

Gabe wins

Gabe:

You win the humor columnist competition (the other guy chickened out at the mere mention of competition). You get to write a humor colum for every Thursday issue of the paper. If you can have each one sent to me the Monday before it runs, that would be great. I don’t know if you’ve heard about the new Pistol Pete mascot at NMSU, but that might be worth writing a column about. It’s kind of a funny situation and we have a bunch of alumni writing to us about how angry they are.

Of course, I’m not telling you what to write. It’s just a suggestion. Hope to
hear from you soon.

Jayna Boyle
News Editor
The Round Up

August 28, 2005 at 9:25 pm | In note to self | | No Comments