Making me ashamed

50. I have asthma now, but apparently I don’t in the future. What the Flip?

Young Pixel here, responding to yesterday’s post. Here’s the necessary quote:

I told myself that I would eventually have enough disposable income to buy candies whenever I saw one of those machines and felt like a sweet confectionery.

Anyway, I realized that I wasn’t living up to the standards I had set for myself so long ago. I wasn’t going back in time and giving myself Super Nintendo games I picked up in a pawn (pwn!) shop, I wasn’t fighting crime, I wasn’t becoming a doctor president, I wasn’t finishing my collection of awesome ninja turtles and making time every day to play with them, and I wasn’t making $300k a year and buying my parents a house

…

So I’ve decided to make me proud. I’m going to work at it until I accomplish all of the goals I set for myself…

What the heck? For gosh’s sake, where do I flippin’ start with how he misrepresents me and what a disappointment he is? First of all, I never really expected to make $300k, that was just the amount of money that I would need to stay in a hotel in Hawai’i for ever. And I’m sooo through with ninja turtles. Now I’m onto X-Men. And that’s okay if I don’t play with them in the future. Who knows what toys will be popular then? And what the heck is the doctor president line? I have never EVER wanted to be a doctor.

But not bringing me back Nintendo games you bought in a pawn shop? Yeah, that’s just cold. Man, when the heckfire are you going to figure out time travel?? Because I need it now!

And frankly, the fact that you think you can appease me by buying 25¢ runts from a candy machine? Wow, I feel sorry for whomever you’re married to. That’s always just a passing fancy, I don’t know why you think you have to buy some every time in order to make me proud. It’s already far, far too late for that.

April 15, 2008 at 10:48 am | In note to self | | 1 Comment

Why I am better than you at age 10

Hey guys! It’s Pixel at age 10 here with a message of why I’m so cool. You probably know that, but you also probably did not know that this means I’m cooler than you. It’s true!

Here are five reasons:

1. I can spell complecated words better than you. My teacher always marks them wrong because she thinks my w’s look like tuuo u’s, but that’s just because my cursive letters look wierd.
2. I can swing really high on the swings. Allot of people think that this is lame because I swing with my friend Cassandra and she’s a girl, but she’s really cool. So, because I’m one of those people that reaches across gender lines, I’m cooler than you.
3. I read big books. Some of the books I read are 300 pages or more! Also, I wrote a really cool poem the other day that my teacher wanted to hang outside the classroom. It was an acrostic. I’m thinking of becoming a famous poet.
4. I play soccer. I’m on defense. We haven’t won a game yet, but my dad’s the coach and that’s cool.
5. I don’t have braces, leggings, bangs, or listen to country music. Plus, I could maybe make fun of you for that. This stupid, ugly girl, DeeDee, and I have ‘yo momma’ contests all the time. I don’t win, because all of my jokes I take from her, but I can definitely make fun of other people now. It’s good training.

So, in conclusion, because I have all kinds of self-awareness and write regular articles for the future, I am cooler than you. Too bad for you. It’s sad, really.

February 5, 2008 at 7:15 pm | In guest post | | No Comments

Why being 10 is the best age ever

Hi all, this is Pixel in his youth, filling in for Pixel as he makes his way across the country.
Anyway, you all loved my last few posts, so I thought I’d write another one explaining why I am cooler any version of myself, past, present, or future.

This is my post:

1. My haircut is cool. I don’t know why I stopped making a helmet out of my hair. Whatever I was thinking. I was wrong. I’ll just write that down to myself so that I don’t forget.
2. Only one female friend, and she’s cool. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have cooties, but you never know. That’s why I wear gloves: you need protection sometimes.
3. My best friend forever, Luis. He likes cake. Why we don’t hang out forever is a mystery to me. Maybe he got stuck in a wormhole and traveled to the future? I should investigate.
4. I am in sixth grade. Since this school is new, we, the class of 2002 are the first ever class that’s the big dogs on campus. People will remember that, because it’s special. They’ll wonder: who were those very cool people?
5. My brother is usually cool with me now. But maybe in the future we’ll be able to play Sega together more, so I don’t know.

Next time, I’ll make a list of why I’m cooler than the 10-year-old version of YOU. But first you have to tell me what you were like so that I can pinpoint your fatal flaws.

Conclusion: I am cooler than myself in the future. And, since he’s super awesome, it follows that I am the most awesome kid in the universe. Take that Richie Rich!

February 2, 2008 at 10:55 pm | In guest post | | 3 Comments

How the future has failed

Hi, it’s me again: Pixel at age 10. I’m really angry at you all, because there is no flying cars and you guys have had YEARS to make them. Years.

There’s more reasons you have failed. Let me list them. Here is the list:

1. No laser guns. Lasers already exist, and should have been converted into guns in 2000. Future fails = is lame.
2. There is a war? Who in the world would agree to that? Wars are bad, they should have stopped as soon as you guys stopped being the present and became the future. Why didn’t that happen? This is lame.
   Also, didn’t we already go to war in Iraq? Or maybe I’m thinking of Germany. Am I thinking of Germany?
3. Teleportation not yet invented. They had the models already ready from Star Trek! How hard could it be to imitate those?
4. Very few aliens. I don’t know who to blame for that, but it is very lame.
5. Space travel is minimal. What happened? We’ve been to the moon. America won. Why not have a chicken contest to see which country can get closest to the sun? Lame.

Some good things about the future:

1. More McDonald’s and Wal-Marts. Those are good and fun.
2. People can talk to other people even if they are walking around the street… without using a pay phone.
3. Computers are everywhere.
4. Movies come in metallic circles. Very futuristic.
5. TVs can be flat.

Overall, I give the future an F minus. With extra-credit, maybe the future can get an F.

Thanks for reading me. I wrote this. Therefore, I am the best.

January 31, 2008 at 12:57 am | In guest post | | 1 Comment

Why Pentaceratops is more awesomer than Triceratops

Me at age 22 asked me now to guest post. I had to ask what a guest post was. My teacher in first grade, Mr. Archuleta, told me about e-mail once and my brother’s teacher told him what a fax machine was. I think it helps you do your taxes, but I don’t know for sure.

Anyways, I’m writing a guest post, but writing gets tiring, so I just want to say why Pentaceratops is more awesome than Triceratops. Here’s a list:

1. Pentaceratops has FIVE (5) horns compared to Triceratops’ Three (3). Pentaceratops wins.
2. Pentaceratops lived in New Mexico, Triceratops lived in Colorado, Wyoming, and whatever MO and SD are. Pentaceratops wins.
3. In a fight, the three horns of the Triceratops would be tied with three of Pentaceratops’ horns, which would leave Pentaceratops two more horns to attack and thus win.
4. Though Triceratops and Stegosaurus are evenly matched, as we saw in 3, Pentaceratops could beat Triceratops, so it could also beat Stegosaurus.
5. Pentaceratops has the largest known skull for a land vertebrate. A scientist said that. Largest known means that it’s larger than Triceratops. And we all know larger is better. Pentaceratops wins.

Thanks for reading my writing. And also, I am the best.

January 29, 2008 at 12:29 am | In guest post | | 2 Comments