Neo: The Matrix has you…. Sexually.

The Honda dealer—

Looking condescendingly:

“Bend over,” he says.

November 19, 2008 at 12:22 am (10 hours ago) | In haiku | | No Comments

Have you ever seen American Pie?

At the basketball game:

Me: Who’s Apple Pie?

John: She’s the last cheerleader on the right.  The blond one.

Me: Dude.  She looks like she’s Thirteen.

John: You don’t think I should call her Apple Pie?

Me: To be honest, no.

John: What do you think, then?  Peach Pie?  Blueberry Pie?

Me: Blueberry would be better: it is the Duke BLUE Devils.

John: Pumpkin Pie?  Pecan Pie?

Me: I don’t know, but definitely not Cherry Pie.

November 18, 2008 at 12:37 am | In pixatic method | | No Comments

You don’t even want to know…

“You can’t have my sperm!  I need it!”

— Me, two days ago, to a lesbian in Alaska.

November 17, 2008 at 12:12 am | In quotes | | 6 Comments

Oppressing others is very hard work

“you’re so good at making fun of poor people.  it’s impressive.”

— Bre Kerchner November 12, 2008

November 16, 2008 at 12:44 am | In quotes | | No Comments

Phone calls at two a.m…

“I just found out that Doritos are made from tortillas! … I just wanted to tell somebody.”

— Daniel Davenport Nov. 11, 2008

November 15, 2008 at 12:42 am | In quotes | | 1 Comment