Ind e-Pen VII

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+7+++

Introduction:
===============
You know why I love VD? Because of the way it makes people act. It makes them so happy… except for the ones that just get bitter. But VD is upon us. That’s right, Valentine’s Day is here. And whether you have a valentine or claim to be against the holiday on principle, you’ve at least got to admit that it’s on a saturday this year and as such I have to comment on it. Well sucks to that. I don’t feel like it. I’m surrounded by hearts and flowers and cards and every shade of red available in the lower 48 states. Plus, I just had an entire conversation with a packet of single-tracked conversation hearts– which is blatant false advertisement! They don’t leave you Any lee-way into conversing– but enough about VD, I’m not talking about it right now. Now I’m talking about…

…FRIENDS

When last we left them, Phoebe was getting married to a guy I didn’t know, but who seemed to be rather important to the later episodes. What’s the deal with Friends, you ask? Well, it’s simple. According to Smarter Child, a Friend is “a member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.” Which is why I thought it was strange that Phoebe was getting married to this guy. I mean, he was quite obviously a Lutheran.
But I wouldn’t know, I was too busy to catch most of the last six seasons. I mean, with puberty and gym class, girls and bullies, and pubescent girl bullies in gym class, I just didn’t have the time. So I decided to find out just how the series had gone. First I had to see the first season (because, it turns out that I was watching Muppet Babies for most of the first and second seasons– this isn’t as sad as it seems. I was only 16 at the time). So I went to Wally World (Wal-Mart to the layman) and found the entire first season of “Friends” for only $30. I was quite happy with my purchase.
Then I realized that it wasn’t enough to have the DVDs, I had to watch them to find out what I needed to know about the series. How’s that for a plot twist?
So I’ve been putting off work, ignoring Snood, and kicking my friends recently. Not so that I could have time to watch Friends, just because I’m an ass.
As for the Friends DVD, I finished watching the last four hours on Friday night. I didn’t find out anything about why Phoebe married a Lutheran, but I think I’m getting closer to finding out who the father of Rachel’s baby is.

V-D
First, I was happy that VD was coming. Then I was ticked, sad, mad, and irritated. Now I’m both. You know, I’ve always said that everybody should just ignore Valentine’s Day altogether, but does anyone ever listen? Nooooooo… You know, people have died from not following my advice– not as many as have died from following it, but still.
I did have a Valentine this year, and I was quite happy, then she left– on Thursday– to go spend the weekend with her ex-boyfriend. Whatever.
But whether you’re the one that’s in love or the one who’s messing with the one who is in love, there are still dozens of ways of having fun on Valentine’s Day. Do what I do.
Pick someone and go out of your way to depress them. It can’t be just anyone, though. It has to be the right person. You can’t make depressed people sadder, that’s just too easy. It also can’t be a happy person, because that’s just wrong.
I recommend depressing someone who’s in love, because while it may be wrong, it’s still funny. Especially when they start talking to their loved one and are completely happy– then you slowly start depressing them. I recommend playing sad music constantly while they’re Instant Messaging each other over the internet– It’s what I do to my roommate.

“Coming Soon” Studies of the Roommate Psyche…

One last thing:
This week was another one of those trick weeks, where I mailed everyone who responded (with the possible exception of any people in the Philippines) a free Pix Capacitor. I wouldn’t have done it if it weren’t for the fact that nobody read my mind and answered the exact right answers. In any case, congrats to Jcak Nagel (yeah, that’s how you spell it) and David I! Montes. Also, Miranda Bruner, but she doesn’t get anything because I’m boycotting her country.

Last Week’s Question: Is this a rhetorical question?
Correct Answer #1: No.
Correct Answer #2: …

This Week’s Question: Which president of the United States was in office for the least amount of time? Why?

February 14, 2004 at 9:31 pm | In ind e-pen | | 5 Comments

Ind e-Pen VI

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+6+++

Introduction:
===============
I don’t very often feel like writing real viewsletters, do I? There’s a reason for this. See, on Friday the Thirteenth, this little paper called the Pix Capacitor needs to be finished. Thus, if I take all of the time I spend writing this and dedicate it to playing Snood, I can get THAT out of the way and then maybe I’ll be able to get started on my homework or something… in the meantime, the Pix Capacitor should write itself, it’s almost two years old now, anyway. It can do it. Right? Oh, well. Anyway, here we have a previously unpublished horoscope section. I hope you enjoy it, it’s the first, last, and only time this will see the light of day… or your desk lamp. Whatever.

Aries (3/20 - 4/20): *****
A great time will be had by both you and your friends as you discover that the secret to happiness was inside you all along. It was right next to your potential and hidden behind the overwhelming bad feeling in your stomach.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/21): *****
Twice you have been asked to cease what you are doing and try to become a better person, and twice you have refused and gone along being the same ol’ icky you. But it’s okay, when the army of evil clones comes along, you’ll be the only one left– cowering in one corner.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): *****
A great horoscope will leave you feeling pleasant and happy for an entire fortnight. Then, through some mad twist of fate, you will have a horrible week. I blame the Las Cruces Sun News’ bad, bad horoscopes for that.

Cancer (6/21 - 7/22): *****
Wow, I just realized that the school newspaper doesn’t do horoscopes. I wonder why that is? Also, they don’t seem to have an advice column. Or a word search– although they do have comics and movie times. Grr. Oh, yeah, sorry. I totally forgot that this was your horoscope.
Tonight: you will be forgotten by someone really cool. Trust us on this. We know…

Leo (7/22 - 8/23): *****
A chalkboard will squeak, a mirror will break, a ladder will fall, and throughout it all, you will be there to laugh at it. Unless, of course, you’re not the person that I am here assuming you are. Namely Nathaniel Hawthorne (who was a Taurus). See? Natty boy would have laughed at that one…

Virgo (8/23 - 9/23): *****
A blatant misteak will catch your ‘I’ this phortnite when you realize that some1 you thot pade attenshun to detales acshooaly does not. Then, you will read your horoscope, find a lot of mistakes in that, and feel like a big man.

Libra (9/23 - 10/23): *****
As you notice that everyone seems to be having five star (or whatever we use to tally good days) days, you will realize that not everybody can possibly have good days at the exact same time. Then, you will go out of your way to hurt someone else so that they have a bad day.
Tonight: hiding in a corner of a bathroom in a shoe store.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/22): **
Listening to a Spanish pop group will leave you wishing you had groupies this fortnight, when you realize that you, in fact, do not have oodles and oodles of admirers as you had once believed. That bites. You should get more admirers. I think they sell them on eBay for fifty cents.

Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): negative **
Money will be of vast importance to you this fortnight, when you realize that there is no good way to tally up happiness like there is with tallying up money. That will prove to be a great realization, only you will not be able to publish that because you do not have enough money to do so. I love vicious regressing cycles, don’t you?

Capricorn (12/21 - 1/21): ***
A man who is two times your age will outperform you in everything you had once thought that you were good at. But alas, don’t despair, you were never really good at those things either. Oh, well.

Aquarius (1/21 - 2/19): negative *
Happiness will evade you this fortnight as you realize that something you had thought you had concealed fairly well ends up coming out and biting you in the bottom. That’s right. The centipede that you had hid in your brother’s boxers will come back for you.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): *
A great lack will leave you missing something this fortnight you when you realize that you do not, in fact possess the fountain of youth. Your fountain was just Youth’s older brother’s fountain: Adulthood.
Oh, well.

One last thing:
Two weeks ago, I accidentally gave both my responders a prize for their responses. I figured that if I mentioned it, all of the opportunistic people would start responding. Boy, was I proved wrong. Still though, there were almost three times more responders last week than the week before. I wonder why. On that note, congrats to Margret A. Casmus with her quick, but somehow also correct, answer.

Last Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday?
Maggie’s Answer: “John Kerry”
… sorry, I mean, “yes”

This Week’s Question: Is this a rhetorical question? (There are two right answers, I’ll give props to the person that gets both)

February 7, 2004 at 9:13 pm | In ind e-pen | | 7 Comments

Ind e-Pen V

The Ind e-Pen

+++vol+1++BT+5+++

Introduction:
===============

Snood. Snood. Snood. I’m not going to tell you about snood. Snood is bad. Snood is the reason I almost didn’t write this issue. It’s more addictive than nicotine, cocaine, alcohol, and porn put together. It’s… well… a game of aim. And I’m not going to tell you to go to www.snood.com to download it. You’ll get addicted. First you’ll think, “how hard could this possibly be?” Then you’ll be hooked. So don’t download it, don’t see it, and above all, don’t play it. But you will. You all will. Just like I did. And, just like I did, you’ll wish you hadn’t. *sigh* Stupid addictions. Oh, yeah, here’s your viewsletter:

Ten Paces at nine,

I’m stuck in my room right now. If I leave, I run the potential of getting shot by my neighbor, Kyle. See, at some point during the day, I sort of got into a rubber-band fight with my two neighbors across the hall. It wasn’t a fair fight, though. I mean, first of all, I was never good at shooting rubber bands at people. I was equally likely to hit my own fingers as other people. Plus, it was just me against two people. Oh, and did I mention that I didn’t have any rubber bands?

So basically, two random guys just ganged up on me and started shooting rubber bands at me. It sort of reminded me of Middle School… or my high school drama club.

After the initial burst of fighting, the manly part of my conscience yelled to stop cowering in fear and stand up to my adversaries. So, at the whim of my momentary overdose of testosterone, I hid myself in my room and locked the door behind me. I was quite safe for about a minute before Kyle asked to be let in to work out a truce.

Kyle, being the expert negotiator he is, came in and declared that if anyone stepped outside of the hall, then the “122 Bandits” would shoot that person. In turn, I told him that if He stepped out of his room, the “111 Assassins” would attack Him.

Okay, maybe the 111 assassin. My roommate wasn’t too into the idea. Plus he didn’t want the “111″ in it because he figured it would involve him too much. So I was the “assassin,” but that’s okay… never mind that they pointed out that the word assassin has two ‘ass’es and an ‘in’ in it. Whatever. Hey, I was in the moment, you can’t blame me for that.

That was about when he offered to duel me for my room rights. We stand back to back, walk ten paces, then turn around and shoot. Just like in the Bugs Bunny cartoons. Or maybe not exactly like them. Because in Rubber Band Shoot Outs, ten paces is too many. And we didn’t reach. So we started over, with five paces instead. This time somebody did win. Me.

Yeah, that’s why I’m stuck in my room right now. Right.

So I lost my hallway priveleges for the night, but I’ll get them back tomorrow. You watch. I will…

Advice…

People have died because they didn’t follow my advice. Like when I suggested that my friend quit smoking? Then, because she was out smoking, she got runover by a rampant bread truck.

Thoughts on Pennsylvania…

You know what surprises me about this place? How few snowball fights there are. I mean, where I’m from we have cactus, rock, and glob of dirt fights all the time… it’s usually just me against the Lovett law firm building, but at least I work up a sweat.

Thoughts on the Presidential Primary

I’ve got nothing… with the possible exception that I’m tired of hearing Dean’s concession speech. It’s being played out more than 9/11 now. Jeez.

One last thing:

Okay, there was a small problem with last week’s question. See, I personally thought that one guy would win (because my roommate has everything but a daily calendar about him. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for John Kerry and Starlit C. Hill), some other guy won. I forget his name. In any case, I accidentally sent out two prizes to two people instead of one. I apologize, this mistake will not happen again (unless it does). But anyway, congratulations to Starlit, your issue is on its way, and sorry about the constant berating over your political views.

Last Week’s Question: Who’s going to win the New Hampshire Caucus?

“Starlit’s Answer: John Kerry”

This Week’s Question: Is Punxsutawney Phil going to see his shadow on Monday? Should I go see him?

January 31, 2004 at 7:25 pm | In ind e-pen | | 8 Comments

Ind e-Pen IV

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+4+++

Introduction:
===============
Okay, because I didn’t feel like writing a real viewsletter this issue, I decided to just write a little bit of dialogue. Here you go. Hopefully the time I saved in writing this will help me out with some other stuff this week…

Pixel: Oh, hello.
MiB: Hello Mr. Styx. We understand that you’ve recently seen an Unidentified Flying Object.
Pixel: Who’s we?
MiB: I represent people of, shall we say, importance…
Pixel: You mean like LL Cool J? Is he with you? Can I see him?
MiB: We do not know of whom you are speaking, but we can assure you, we hold vast more power than he does.
Pixel: You mean you’re like his mom? He respects her. Man, I’ve never seen a man front so much for someone, seriously….
MiB: No, we have never heard of Elell Cool Jay. Our representative is of greater galactic importance. Regardless, you must understand that you were not in a correct state when you saw what you think you saw.
Pixel: When?
MiB: When you saw the UFO.
Pixel: What UFO?
MiB: Mr. Styx, you are making this exceedingly difficult and you must understand that my benefactors will not like that.
Pixel: Ooh, you used a singular proverb, good for you! We remember when we first did that.
MiB: I’m sorry?
Pixel: Oh, don’t apologize, using English correctly is the first step to rehabilitation.
MiB: Rehabilitation? Of what?
Pixel: Of seeing a UFO, which you’ve obviously seen.
MiB: No, I am sorry. UFO’s don’t exist, neither one of us has ever seen one before.
Pixel: Aw, damn, I worked you back to denial… Well, whatever.
MiB: Mr. Styx, you have two coins in your pocket.
Pixel: No I don’t.
MiB: Yes. I’m certain that you do. Take them out now.
Pixel: No I don’t. If I do, what type are they?
MiB: One is one of your U.S. Quarter Dollars and the other is what you call a dime. Please take them out now.
Pixel: Well, hot dog, you were right. You should take that on Vegas, you could make some serious bank.
MiB: Give me one of the coins.
Pixel: A coin trick? Oh, cool. Here you go.
(the coin shimmers, then fades away. Use magic if you have to)
MiB: No one on Earth will ever see that coin again.
Pixel: That’s a nice trick, I’ve seen better, though. Like this one time, I saw this guy push a coin in his back, then spit it out of his mouth, it was great! Can you do that?
MiB: No, I’m afraid I can’t. The point was to teach you a lesson.
Pixel: A pretty crappy lesson if you couldn’t spit out the coin… What was I supposed to be learning, anyway? Fractions? I hate fractions. I’m sorry if I didn’t learn them right.
(taps a hand to his ear)
MiB: I can’t seem to get through to him, he’s been brainwashed well. I don’t think we have anything to fear. Hm. (looks at Pixel) This may take a while…
Pixel: So… can I have my coin back?
MiB: What? No. No one on Earth will ever see that coin again. I told you that.
Pixel: I didn’t think you were serious. That was just a trick. I need that coin to buy some Jolly Ranchers today.
MiB: The point was to teach you that you did not in fact see a UFO. That it would be foolish to go about repeating that you had.
Pixel: That’s a jolly good lesson there, but… Well, I just thought that I wasn’t going to be paying for it. I mean, I know you can teach fractions really well, but, can’t you do it without making us poor college students poor… er
MiB: You are not in college.
Pixel: Not right now, but you just wait for my classes tomorrow.
MiB: Tomorrow is Sunday.
Pixel: What, you have something better to do on a Sunday? You can’t wait for my classes?
MiB: (obviously trying to segue out of this conversation)
How about that weather?
Pixel: It’s good…. Great, even. Great enough to wait 24 hours to see my classes start.
MiB: My information was that you do not go to school.
Pixel: What kind of a teacher has bad information like that… Seriously.
MiB: I AM NOT A TEACHER!!!
Pixel: Yeah, and you suck at Fractions too.
MiB: Listen, if you want your wife to keep her pretty face, you will not tell anyone about the UFO that you saw.
Pixel: Hmm… Listen, I don’t have a wife. Maybe you meant to go teach someone else? Are you a Jehovah’s Witness?
MiB: No!
Pixel: Good, I didn’t want to have to go into the Witness Protection Program.
MiB: You are Pixel Q. Styx, right?
Pixel: No, I’m Fox Mulder, have you met my lovely sidekick Superman?
MiB: Don’t toy with me. Well, seeing as it’s obvious that no one would listen to you anyway, I think I shall leave.
Pixel: No, wait! Don’t you want to stay and watch I Love Lucy?
MiB: I’m afraid that would prove to be impossible. Not only do you not have cable, but your television is broken.
Pixel: Oh, no it’s not. You just have to wait for it to heat up, it’s like a Fierro.
MiB: It is nothing like a Fierro, it is missing a bulb. It will not work.
Pixel: There you go with your pessimistic impatience again. It’ll work. Trust me, I know. You just have to wait for it to warm up. Not too much, though, or else it’ll heat up and stop working again. So we can see the first ten minutes of I Love Lucy, then catch the highlights at nine.
MiB: It is nine twenty right now, your television does not work, and you do not have cable.
Pixel: How can you live being wrong all the time?
MiB: We are never incorrect. We will leave now.
Pixel: You suck at exits, you know that?
MiB: I know more than you can imagine.
Pixel: Including the winning lottery numbers? Because I can imagine those.
MiB: Goodbye Mr. Styx. (He fades away)
Pixel: Wow, interesting guy… too bad he’s gay though… I mean, did you see how clean those boots were? Nobody keeps their boots that clean.

(looks at his shoes. Notices that they are extremely clean and walks away as if to dirty them)

One last thing:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for answering last week’s question correctly (again). As a reward, she will be mailed a Pix Capacitor this week… plus she gets a gold star (this being her second correct answer in two weeks)

Last Week’s Question: Would [asking a question every week] be fun?
Her Correct Answer: Yes.
One last thing:
Congrats to Jessy Salinas for answering my question correctly (again) last week. As a reward, she will be mailed a Pix Capacitor this week… plus she gets a gold star (this being her second correct answer in two weeks)

Last Week’s Question: Would [asking a question every week] be fun?
Her Correct Answer: Yes.
This Week’s Question: Who’s going to win the New Hampshire Caucus? Is it Cheney? I think it’s Cheney.

January 24, 2004 at 7:10 pm | In ind e-pen | | 8 Comments

Ind e-Pen III

The Ind e-Pen
+++vol+1++BT+3+++

Introduction:
===============

I just got back from a trip here in Indiana, PA. Basically, we went to the mall, the hospital, then out to eat. You know, the classical college pastime. Eating, I mean. But there was something special about this case. It was my first time eating at a place called Eat n Park (or was it Peat n ark?). I’d never heard of it before, but apparently it’s really popular in Pennsylvania. How New Mexican of me to not know that… And that’s not the first time I’ve shown my blond roots (because us New Mexicans are known for our roots you know… our cactus roots… which still aren’t blond, but still). While I’ve been up here– or technically, over here– I’ve shown my being new at everything almost every day. But how could things be so different over just 2000 miles? And are things really that different? You be the judge.

New Mexico:

I’ve lived in New Mexico for the vast majority of my adult life (May to December 2003), so you could say that I’m a little knowlejabel about it. I’ve also gone to college there for well over the lifespan of most mature fruit flies, so you can say that I’m a sort of like a resident expert in New Mexican life. I mean how much is there to know? I know all about how much it bites to get up at four in the morning to go rassle cattle. And I know how awful it is when all of your cattle get either hunted down by Injuns or stolen by banditos. So then you have to stay up till midnight to steal some more of ol’ man Peabody’s livestock for tomorrow… ha ha, oh, memories… of New Mexico. Right?

Maybe I’m thinking of Kansas. I’ve driven by Kansas before, I know what I’m talking about. Obviously.

Anyway, what do I know about New Mexico? That it gets awfully warm there sometimes. But it’s not always warm, it gets pretty cold in the winter, too. I mean, I’ve seen it get down all the way to the mid 70s. In temperatures like that you can’t just wear a tank top anymore. You have to bundle all the way up and take a warm t-shirt. It might even have to be cotton!

Living in New Mexico has taught me all about driving in the dirt. At some point, probably a visit to Texas, I learned to drive on pavement, too. Perhaps some day I’ll learn to drive on asphalt. But when would anyone ever need that?

The interstates in New Mexico are pretty cool (all three of them), it’s almost as if they want to make them drive smoothly enough so as to make visitors remember only one set of beautiful mountain scenery. Theoretically, people would be so captivated by the beauty of the sky and the lovely temperature of their car’s air conditioner that they’d forget to look sideways at all of the dirt, cacti, and illegal aliens (”hola”).

That’s New Mexico in a nutshell. All of the non-collegiate parts, at least. It’s like a different country once you get on my college campus (specifically, the United States).

What’s New Mexico State University like, you ask? Well, it’s big. It’s 6,250 acres to be exact. There’s well-watered grass there, which is more than you can say for anywhere else I’ve been in my life. The student union building is cool and the libraries are big and probably very informative.

What else is good about my college? I like the people. The ones that don’t ignore you or avoid you are usually very nice… to your face.

My college is located in a town called Las Cruces. What can I say about Cruces? Well, it’s big enough to have two Wal-Marts, 2.25 movie theaters, and also a mall (pfft!). Other than those three things (which get tired pretty quickly), there’s really not much else to do in Cruces except for retiring.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

And now, a Word from our sponsors:

Postulate.

They’re not very good sponsors…

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Pennsylvania:

A little known fact about the Amish: it’s not that they’re overly religious, it’s just that they’re backwards. Really, I think that they were just too proud to ask how the railroad worked and ended up living in the mountains as a result (it happens more often than you think, just look at Canada).

Actually I haven’t been to Amish country yet. Although I figure I’m less than an hour away from them so that makes me as much an authority on Amish life as I am on anything else.

Speaking of anything else, what’s Pennsylvania like? I mean really. All I see is snow right now. I’m hoping that when the snow starts to thaw, I’ll see some colonists that are still angry at King George for the Stamp Act. Then again, it’s not like I can wait until global warming starts to set in. I don’t have 20 years to spare (or four if we keep electing Republicans).

Driving in Pennsylvania bites, by the way. I don’t know if I just need to drive in better roads, but what’s the deal with 60 mile per hour speed limits? And who had the bright idea to build a highway that goes straight through a town that seems to be composed entirely of one road? And the road is congested… And it’s one-way the whole way…

But enough of driving in the snow-covered roads (or sidewalks, whatever. Hey, how am I supposed to know? They’re snow-covered!), what about the people of Western Pennsylvania? What are they like?

First off, let me say that Pennsylvania is just as diverse as New Mexico. The only difference is that New Mexico is has mostly white and latino people, where as here you go all the way from the milk-white and blond stereotype to the eggshell-white and dirty blond extreme! Yes siree, they’re a diverse group here. Add in about 50 black and asian people and you get the gist of Indiana, Pennsylvania.

Actually, that’s probably not fair. Indiana is actually very representative of all of the major races in the world. Provided that those races are white.

And how does the college here (the Indiana University of Pennsylvania) match up to NMSU? Well, the name is much cooler for one. Also, the dorms are way better, although the meal plans suck. Not nearly as much as the parking situation, though.

The people in the campus are cool too. They smoke like James Dean on a nicotine trip. It’s funny, really. There’s like a 2000% increase in smoking up here (although coffee consumption is about the same). Perhaps I shall do a study on that later. Or a series of pranks. It’s all really the same thing.

What about the town, you ask? Well, there’s a Wal-Mart, a movie theater, and a mall that has a sub shop that gave my neighbor a hideous allergic reaction. That’s actually why we went to the hospital in the introduction. I’m glad you cared enough to ask, by the way…

One last thing:

Special thanks to Jessy Salinas who was the longest-winded and most eloquent of the 400, million, billion, gajillion responders that I had to last week’s question. Because she settled my query, she gets an honorable mention here (as opposed to being dishonored by being earlier on) and a free Pix Capacitor soon. Here is her answer in its entirety:

“Missouri was a slave states that stayed in the Union. So they were still considered part of the north. ”

Now I’m wondering whether I should ask a question every week. Would that be fun? I don’t know… I’ll get back to you on that.

January 17, 2004 at 7:08 pm | In ind e-pen | | 2 Comments