For all you contradictory theorists…

My base of operations is now Wisconsin, in case anybody’s wondering how I could be in four places at once, it’s easy: time zones.

When I zone out, I do it through a time zone.

when i drink, i travel into the future (mostly the next morning) and teleport (hopefully my bed, but sometimes the couch or even the bathtub) instantaneously.

October 31, 2005 at 1:54 am | In Gabe the Beaver's solo career | | No Comments

Writer’s Block

It’s time I admitted it, I’ve been having Writer’s Block for the past few weeks. So now I ask you to provide me with ideas. If you can think of something that needs making fun of, comment here.

I’ll also accept funny news articles or serious topics that most humour columnists wouldn’t touch with a 3-meter pole.

October 28, 2005 at 3:40 am | In Gabe the Beaver's solo career | | 1 Comment

Tao of Gabe (Round Up): On Halloween

Tao of Gabe

I’m Gabe the Adorable Beaver and you’re not.

My second favorite holiday—after Talk Like a Pirate Day— is upon us again. This Monday, you’ll be too old to go trick or treating, but you get one better: you get to give out candy. I’m Gabe “Rubs Salt in Your Wound” Beaver, here to entertain.

Now, it’s a little known fact, but just like children choose their costumes to look impressive, grown-ups choose which type of candy-givers they’re going to be to look impressing. There are multiple types of people you could pretend to be this Halloween.

You could be the high school girl on the phone. This type of person just had her plans ruined and is going to take it out on the kids by tossing candy as quickly as she can into their bags and getting back to the phone.

You could be the dad with the bad jokes. Pick a tired joke about the phrase “trick or treat” and use it on each new group of kids until somebody laughs or cries. For added effect, you could comment on each and every costume. Be sure to make the kids feel as if they’re your first visitors in years and figure out why.

You could go the granddad route and try to scare kids. The trick is to sit in a chair outside and wait until they come up to the house before you jump out. This only works because most children are trained from an early age to ignore the elderly. Heck, to this day I need circumstantial evidence to determine where my grandmother is when I go visit her.

Speaking of which, you could be the elderly grandmother. Even though children are trained to ignore the elderly, they’re innately adept at spotting candy, so you could grab their attention by carrying a large bowl out with you. Kids will see it as a hovering bowl of goodies and be impressed by the effect. The elderly grandmother is passive-aggressive, so each year she thinks of new ways to make children dread coming to her house. She could give out dimes, cokes, or the ‘crappy candy goodie bags’ that have those orange and black candies that NOBODY LIKES!!!

…

Then, there’s the hypothetical ideal house. The ideal house gives out entire candy bars
and is usually ran by a ‘cool mom’ or a ‘rad dad.’ The ideal house also has unicorns, a chocolate waterfall, the Fountain of Youth, and the better part of El Dorado. Everyone hears about this house, but few if any ever actually see it.

Alternatively, you could be the empty house in the hopes that nobody realizes you’re home. I’d advise against this as there’s bound to be at least one person who carries eggs with him whilst trick or treating.

This year it’s me.

Love, the spooky kind,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: I’m a member of the Canadian Mafia. I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse, eh?”

October 27, 2005 at 6:06 pm | In Gabe the Beaver's solo career | | No Comments

Tao of Gabe (Lachlan Review): MUSC Elections 2005

Tao of Gabe

Gabe the Didactic Beaver here, your eyewitness to the recent SAM and MUSC elections 2005.

To recap: last year there were no elections, this year there were. Like all issues, however, this has multiple sides. On the one hand, students were denied their civil liberties and the money they thought was going to the Uni was stolen like so many jelly beans from an elderly diabetic’s medicine cabinet, but on the other hand, democracy is so much more effective without the people’s input.

This year, the elections, perhaps as a response to prior apathy, but more than likely as an early birthday present for me, were vicious. So vicious that security had to be called—multiple times (prank called, but still).

To be a better informed voter, I asked the various candidates and candidate supporters what they stood for and what they would do about X, Y, and Z if elected (X, Y, and Z seemed more pressing than B, C, and M at the time. Obviously I was mistaken).

Without fail, the candidate supporters attempted to defer all questions to their candidates. If we asked “how are you today?”

They would respond, “he’s over in the pink shirt. You see him? The one kicking that small puppy?”

To be fair, the candidates themselves often faired no better to my biting questions. (“Don’t you just hate white people?”)

After about six candidates, I decided to have fun. To a group of pink-shirts, I asked, “what is your opinion on transparency?” To which the response was a collective shiver and an explanation of how democratic rights would make meetings inefficient (seriously).

In the end, I managed to make friendly acquaintances and enemies of a wide range of pseudo-political figures. Luckily, mostly enemies made it to a position of power. So if you don’t see me in the future… try looking in the present.

Lover’s apathy,
Gabe D. Beaver

“Remember Kids: it is your democratic duty to make politicians squirm.”

October 23, 2005 at 6:39 pm | In Gabe the Beaver's solo career | | 2 Comments

Finally… acceptance.

A total stranger called my column “very funny.” Wow. I haven’t been this flattered since Gadi Schwartz said he wanted to do a piece on the Pix Capacitor (which, of course, I am the key player. I even write most of the stuff, I just let Pixel Q. Styx put his name on it because it’ll make him feel better).

Gabe D. Beaver writes a very funny column which appears in the NMSU Round Up student rag. From yesterday’s issue… “Remember Kids: Christian is a weird name. You never hear of anybody called ‘Jew’ or ‘Pagan.’”

October 23, 2005 at 3:25 am | In Gabe the Beaver's solo career | | 1 Comment