Goodie Grab Bag XII

We brought you to this bar to have an intervention.

Man, I’m so rich, I use $100 bills for toilet paper. And I use toilet paper for something equally frivolous: like currency.

Sorry, I have to go. My pedicurist is calling me: it might be important.

1: I remember when this guy was a neoluddite.
2: You were? What convinced you to like women?
3: Nothing convinced me to like women!
2: A-Ha! I knew it! I knew you were still into the chocolate!

Why do they call it sexual assault? It’s such a negative term. They should call it “sexy assault”

2: I went to school, stopped for a bit, went for a bit, went back…
1: You dropped out?
2: No, it was just the summer.

Holy Water is my anti-drug!

1: Do you take this woman to have and to hold, in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do you part?
2: …. Umm… LINE??

Hey, look at that dintinguished old gentleman walking that fluffy dog! I hope I look that way when I’m a dog…

2: I know him better than you do.
1: No way, I’m his brother, he trusts me way more.
2: Uh-uh, I’m hella more trustworthy, I’ll prove it! Let’s have a secret revealing contest to see who knows the most things about him!
1: You’re on!

Every century has been better than the last, with the exception of the box office disappointment of the 17th century.

“Man, even I feel too tired to go with you to drop me off.”

My phone will be out of service for the next week, so if you really need to get a hold of me before then, the quickest way will be via smoke signals.

1: I keep wanting to talk, but he just ignores me. It’s like he wants nothing to do with me!
2: That’s the same thing that happens with me and my priest.

And now, the Star-Spangled Banner as sung by the Flatulence Brothers!

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Goodie Grab Bag XI

Personal Ad: I like romance as much as the next guy, but long walks on the beach make me gassy.

1: Did you go to that party where if you wear green it means you’re single and if you wear red it means you’re taken?
2: You mean the red light/green light party? Yeah, I went.
1: What did you wear?
2: I dressed up as a yellow left turn signal, so that gay guys would be cautious about hitting on me.
1: Were they?
2: No, they just ran it.

… and now an episode of “My Super Sweet 16” starring Luke Perry!

2: She thought I was confiding in her, but really I was just making fun of her.
1: Really?
2: No, I’m just making fun of you.

“Don’t Jump!” He told the girl holding a blade to her wrists.

I appreciate your running with my metaphor, but could you please try to avoid running into a brick wall?

Watch out when handling my wit: it’s sharp.

He reminds me of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky. Do you know Rocky? From the movie Rocky IV?

Today I went four hours, 22 minutes and eight seconds without doing anything that anybody would consider strange… except for counting how long I could avoid doing something strange, that is.

2: Want to go to lunch?
1: Sure!
2: ? … Hey, I have an idea! You want to go to lunch, right?
1: Yeah…
2: And I want to go to lunch?
1: … I guess…
2: What if we go to lunch together?

I didn’t have enough money to buy toilet paper, so I bought us all diapers instead!

Continue reading Goodie Grab Bag XI…

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Wow, that’s like, so friggin’ hilarious

At last, the rotating carnival of witticisms and whimsy has come to another temporary station. Here now, the “Wow, That’s Funny” Carnival competition for comedic genius requires your help.

We’ve got several very good witticisms today, and I look forward to seeing which way the vote goes. If everyone who reads this post would please vote for their 2 favorite quips in the comments section, it would be much appreciated.

Onto the carnival:

a

So she dumped me, and now all I have left are the memories. The memories, and HIV.

b

1: What are you doing?
2: I’m dancing in my underwear.
1: Ooh. . .
2: And pants and a shirt, of course.
1: Oh.
2: Why, what were you thinking?

c

My mother always told me that honesty was the most important thing. Honesty, and not telling Daddy about Fred.

d

It’s sad that whole relationships can be ruined by something as simple as dishonesty and deceit.

e

I need to get the hell out of New Mexico, I’m thinking of going to Dodge.

f

Out of all life’s mysteries, I think the most mysterious is how a simple twenty-pound cinderblock, properly aimed, can crush five grown men.

g

We’re too reliant on technology nowadays. Quick, I need to get on Myspace and post that!

h

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, which is a terrible way to pave a road. There’s nothing worse than falling into a pothole of good intentions.

i

1: Wow, you really like those new shoes.
2: Yeah, but we’ve decided to wait a while before taking any big steps.

j

And next on the weather channel: reruns. Hurricane Katrina: if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you.

k

Having cyber sex? Don’t get a virus, use a trojan.

~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~

And there we go, that’s it for this carnival of “Wow, That’s Funny!” Remember, you can vote on your favorites via commenting. Winners get bragging rights, losers get moping rights. It’s your call.

Next month’s edition depends on this months votes and submissions. Submissions can be sent directly to submissions@pixcapacitor.com.

Last Year: I own this place, Pixel Q. Styx Editor-in-Chief and On Work
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Goodie Grab Bag X

Remember that guy that raped, murdered and ate the flesh of sixteen orphans last year? Yeah, well, he’s going around collecting money for UNICEF and I think we should do a nice feature story on him.

(recoveries gone wrong)
2: Did you see your mommy this weekend?
1: My mother is dead.
2: Did you go to the graveyard and see your dead mommy this weekend??

(Headlines I’d wish I could write)
Millions die after April Fool’s Dear Abby column

2: So, I got caught looting.
1: Where? What happened?
2: I heard the siren, saw everyone running out, so I grabbed a few mouses, a computer and someone’s troll doll collection and ran out.
1: And where did the police catch you?
2: Outside. It turns out it was a fire drill.

And now, the national anthem as played by the bag pipes, accordion, a tamborine and featuring CHER! .. On the electric triangle.

2: See, on that issue, I can see both sides.
1: On slavery?
2: Well, yeah. See, on the one hand, it’s the brutal treatment of a fellow human being, devaluing them to their material abilities and their usefulness for your own selfish gain based on something as arbitrary as shade of skin, but on the other hand… think of the savings!

I like Trinidad, but fuck Tobago!

1: What’s a three-letter word for homosexual? The middle letter is A.
2: Is there a ‘G’ in it?
1: Yeah, it could be the first letter.
2: Well, then I have no idea.

I’m glad I don’t have OCD… I’m glad I don’t have OCD. I’m glad I don’t have OCD.

2: She’s the vomiting image of your sister.
1: Don’t you mean ’spitting image?’
2: Not with the way she looks.

Get a load of this obituary: “He went home to be with his maker.” Huh. Who’d've thought his maker was Satan?

1: X-Men 3 was dumb.
2: How dumb was it? Dumber than Citizen Kane? Dumber than Casablanca? Dumber than the Godfather?
1: Yeah, wait… what?

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Goodie Grab Bag IX

2: I try to make people regret talking to me sometimes.
1: Yeah, I can tell.
2: Wait… I’ve never done that to you.

Have you ever read something that was meant to be funny but wasn’t?

3: Have you ever cheated on me?
1: That depends on your definition of ‘on.’

If I had to give a prize for greatest roommate ever, Jess would get it. And if I had to give the prize for greatest Ex_Cal ever… Jess would get it again, but it would be close. Real close…

2: My car isn’t here. I need a ride. Hey, your car’s outside: can I ask you a favor?
1: What’s that?

Fuck people with AIDS!

1: How does not knowing your own emotions make you feel?
2: I don’t know!

Everyone fights themselves sometimes, it’s just that when I do it, I win.

1: Are you legitimately sad? Or just pretending so well that you fool yourself?
2: I… don’t know!
1: And not knowing makes you sad?
2: Yes!
1: Really?
2: Ehh… I guess…

Necessity is the mother of all invention, but procrastination is the mother of necessity.

1: She says you’re not talking to her enough
2: What?? I talk to her plenty! Go back and ask her what she means.

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