AIM Transcripts II: How to screw with a person’s sanity

44. I’ve driven across the country 8 times. On 7 of those occasions, I had nobody accompany me. Several of those trips involved 12 hours of driving or more at any given time. Four were all in one go. It is a mind-altering experience to spend 33 solid hours driving. I wasn’t the same person on January 4, 2004 as I was on January 6.

First, read this. It says stuff like this:

My memory is failing me. To be fair, it’s been failing me as long as I can remember (*rimshot*) but it seems to be getting worse with time.

A good friend of mine pointed out to me recently that I couldn’t remember having been in the same class with him just a few years ago (andI still can’t remember no matter how hard I try, but to my credit I don’t remember ANYONE ELSE either. I’d forget I was in the class entirely if all the subject material wasn’t stlil so fresh in my mind).

…When I worked as a secretary I reguarly forgot to tell my boss when her husband called. Two hours after he’d called I’d look up and say, “Oh yeah, your husband called, he said he was outside waiting for you so you guys could go to lunch. Umm….I guess he’s gone now?” No wonder I got fired.

…What was the point of this entry…? Hey look at the time! I should really get started on that term paper.

Then, read this:

Her
Hey when am I getting that first chapter of my book back?

Me
Um. Sunday?

Her
which sunday?

Me
Sunday the 20th

Her
Of this month?

Me
Of April

Her
of this year?

Me
Yeah, no promises

Her
well…I don’t need it NOW. I have two term papers and a final due in the next few weeks. but I don’t want you to completely forget about it

Me
I’m sorry, forget about what?

Her
how the hell should I know? you contacted ME

Me
Who did? Who ARE you?

And our little operetta begins:

Her
I’m your worst nightmare. Or that chick that you sometimes talk to. Pix…were you REALLY in the Paradoxes class?

Me
YES!!

Her
lol. Why the hell can’t I remember?

Me
Wow. just wow

Her
I feel like such a jerk. Was I just totally OUT OF IT that whole semester or what? Jeez…. It’s not that I don’t believe you. I just have no way of knowing if you’re lying because I CAN’T REMEMBER! It’s like I have some weird spotty amnesia or somehting. You’d think I’d remember the one class we had together in college. That was the only one right?

Me
Where the spot just blots out my face and nothing else. NO!

Her
Oh God, don’t tell me…

Me
wow You’re like self-absorbed or something

Her
No, it doesn’t just blot out your face. It blots out EVERYONE’S face. What other class did we have together? in college

Me
Ancient Philosophy

WILD GUESS! I never even took that class!

Her
What?? What the hell? Weren’t we friends in college or what? Didn’t we talk to each other?

Me
*sigh* I talked to YOU. jeez. what. the. hell. seriously. ouch. that hurts

Her
Okay, I am seriously freaking out here. What the hell is wrong with my memory? I’m sorry :{ I’m not doing in on purpose. What the hell is wrong with my memory seriously? I remember being in classes with you in high school pretty distinctly

Me
uh huh
yeah
sure
whatever myrna
whatever

Her
hell I remember when we went to the art museum with Mr. Perez
I remember YOU convinced me to get into AP History
And that I have your voice on tape somewhere where you read some passage for me for a project

Me
And I remember YOU were in my high school or something

Her
I remember all kinds of stuff from high school. :{
I’m sorry!! Why can’t I remember?? Who else was in ancient?

Me
K-Bobb? Vincent!

Let me stop here for a bit, use the “below the fold” line, and inform you that these are both names I pulled out at random. I was never really in her ancient philosophy class, I just wanted to see how long I could keep it up. *ahem* Below the fold.

Continue reading AIM Transcripts II: How to screw with a person’s sanity…

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When wrong number text messages fight back

27. I have scars on each wrist that look like I tried to kill myself with an ice pick. The true story, sadly, is far more lame.

(Apparently this happens to me quite often. Check out these posts: 1, 2, 3. Then see this one for something a bit different.)

Wrong number text message:

From: +19153281605
To: +19158678669
03/23/08 18:03

Hey thats MEST up

My reply:

From: +19158678669
To: +19153281605
03/23/08 18:05

Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize I’d taken the door off and left the microwave on instead of house sitting this week.

Them:

03/23/08 18:08

Oh cool lol i guess so are you going to wear your beach gear

Me:

03/23/08 18:11

Yeah, to go hiking, then to the prom. You?

Them:

03/23/08 18:14

Wat you mean

Me:

03/23/08 18:17

Wait. This is Gladys, right?

Them:

03/23/08 18:19

Yeah why

Continue reading When wrong number text messages fight back…

Last Year: Microfiction in a flash: 6-word stories
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Pros and Cons of ‘Horse’

Actual conversation:

Pixel:  Okay, let’s list the pros and cons of Heroin.  I’m for it.  PRO: New circle of friends.

Yoshi:  But you get AIDS.

Pixel:  Good point…  okay, PRO:  Learn valuable skills in using hypodermic needles.

Yoshi:  CON:  You lose all of your teeth.

Pixel:  I think that’s meth.

Yoshi:  Okay, CON:  You lose all of your former friends.

Pixel:  That’s good, that’s good.  Okay, PRO:  It feels really good.

Yoshi:  CON: You use it too much and it doesn’t feel so good anymore.

Pixel:  PRO: Yeah, but it feels really, really good.

Yoshi:  CON:  So does sex.

Pixel:  PRO:  Sex with heroin would be even better still.

Yoshi:  CON:  You won’t be able to get a girlfriend if you’re on heroin.

Pixel:  PRO:  You don’t need one, there’s plenty of heroin-using attractive women.

Yoshi:  CON:  That are all gangly and disgusting.

Pixel:  PRO:  So are you.

Yoshi:  CON:  But they have AIDS.

Pixel:  PRO:  Needle exchanges lessen fear of HerpeAIDS.

Yoshi:  CON:  You get arrested.

Pixel:  PRO:  Free housing.

Yoshi:  CON:  You die.

Pixel:  PRO:  You really live.

Yoshi:  CON:  Track marks.

Pixel:  PRO:  “Euphoria Trails.”

Yoshi:  CON:  Sell all of your possessions.

Pixel:  PRO:  Ask anyone who has both done and not done heroin, they’ll tell you that it was worth it.

Yoshi:  Actually, no they won’t they’ll tell you it ruined their lives and they are better off without it.

Pixel:  Good point.  So I guess we agree: both sides are equal.  We should teach the controversy and let people decide.

Yoshi:  Okay, Mike Huckabee.

Pixel:  I mean, if you’re not into Heroin, that’s your addiction.  If you are, then that’s your addiction too.  Both are equal.

Yoshi:  You need a job, bad.

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I’m immune to guilt

“Don’t tell me you’re actually going to listen to my advice. I give bad advice on purpose! Listening to my advice is a very bad idea. I’d advise you against that.”

- Pixel to friend Moira on advice he’d just given her about boys

In looking for an image to perfectly illustrate this post, I realized that in the movie Bambi, we never actually see Bambi’s mother getting shot. This, obviously made me very sad.

To cheer myself up, I went to my St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital collector’s cards. I have nine so far and hope to collect them all before Chili’s stops running their “create a pepper” promotion. This promotion, as far as I can tell, is specifically aimed at depressing people who wish to eat a good meal.

On Sept. 24 of this year, Chili’s will donate all of its profits to St. Jude’s. To prepare everybody for this, they’ve been scaring away their clientèle for weeks with special St. Jude coasters that each have a picture and profile of a different sad child’s story.

Now, like most people, when something gets so sad that you either cry or laugh, I laugh. Often uproariously. It’s just so sad that it causes a gut reaction. In my case, most of my gut reactions lead to some form of humor. It’s a real problem, actually…

Anyway, here are some of the saddest stories I could ever imagine and I read them all within ten minutes while waiting for a meal.

• Taylor, age 4: Just three months after her adoption was finalized, wide-eyed, rambunctious Taylor was diagnosed with Wilms tumor.
• Continue reading I’m immune to guilt…

  
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Why does everyone wrong number text message me?

Them:

From: +19152614940
To: +19158678669
07/02/07 15:08
Hey sexy thing what you doing

Me:

From: +19158678669
To: +19152614940
07/02/07 15:10
Plotting. What about you? Umm… equally sexy thing?

Them:

07/02/07 15:13
Well just here cooking getting things ready for tomorrow what’re you plotting??

Me:

07/02/07 15:15
Revenge. No, just kidding. I’m not. I’m plotting vengeance.

Them:

07/02/07 15:17
Lol your funny

Me:

07/02/07 15:20
I know. It’s a chronic medical condition. I can’t help it. Thanks for bringing it up, you insensitive bastard!

It gets boring from here.

Continue reading Why does everyone wrong number text message me?…

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