Bad people to be around during a crisis

59. One of my secret shames is that I sometimes go to Hastings or Barnes and Noble and read all of the new comics without buying them.  I sometimes buy the compilations and graphic novel versions, but $3.99 seems like far too much to pay for a 20-page comic book.

• Clark Kent
• Peter Parker
• Casper the Friendly Ghost
• Anybody flammable
• Edvard Munch
  
• A more attractive, more intelligent young virgin who warned you not to go in there in the first place.
• Anybody with crazy eyes and a mustache
• George Constanza
• Hal:
  
• The Oompa Loompas
• Rioters
• Rugby players
• Anybody who is enemies with MacGuyver, Jack Bauer, John McClain, or the Terminator.
• Me
• …

• AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

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Phrases that could end political careers

40.  No matter where I go, I always have to carry something with me, usually in the form of a binder, book, or backpack.  When I was a kid, I used to carry two books everywhere: in case i was ever trapped anywhere and finished one.  That never happened.  Now I carry three: just in case I don’t feel like reading two of them.

The post for today has been delayed because I needs to get this idea out and Sunday is a bad blog audience day.  So, instead of my analysis of my own sense of humor, I’ll give an example in the form of phrases that would end a political career.

• “Actually, I think Martin Luther King Jr. was just asking to be shot.”
• “You know, I’ve got to say, I just don’t trust the Jews.”
• “Are you kidding?  I convert my dollars to yen every paycheck.”
• “You think that’s bad?  MY preacher regularly wipes his butt with the American flag.”
• “Bitches ain’t shit.”
• “Man, even I’M voting for the other guy.”
• “You wouldn’t believe the kind of tail I get in this office.”
• “Don’t worry: I’m just saying this stuff to placate my base.”
• “I voted for that because it was really politically prudent at the time.  But I never really believed that.”
• “Why am I only running for four years?  Because with what I’m going to do, nobody would elect me after that anyway.”
• “Hey, if the economy ever gets that bad, we can just sell Alaska back to Russia.”
• “It doesn’t really matter who you vote for, we decided I would win way back in January.”

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Bad times to answer a cell phone

30.  Senior year, I tricked my parents into getting me a cell phone by pretending I didn’t want one as a “leash.”  About three days after they ’surprised’ me with it, I lost it.  Apparently I switched it with a Mountain Dew while reaching into the cooler.  When I did finally find it, I dried all the parts, put it back together and charged it.  Then I kept that phone for years…  I miss that phone.

I thought I’d give you all a break from my pseudo-deep thoughts.  Three quasi-related posts are coming up in quick succession until Saturday.

• During a bank robbery
• While receiving a speeding ticket
• On a first date
• While being mugged
• While your professor is chastising you for being late
• During a marathon
• While in the restroom (for any reason)
• While hiding from a monster
• Cat burgling your boss’ house
• During a panty raid
• When the music is pumpin’ pumpin’
• When the S.S. is looking for you
• During communion
• During confession
• During a baptism
• During an inauguration
• After losing a limb
• While having a heart attack
• While being waterboarded
• During a play
• During deposition
• In a closing statement
• In a movie
• Just before a first kiss

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Immanetizing the Eschaton

19. I have superior powers of reasoning, oratory, mathematics, and most everything else. But don’t worry: I only use my powers for good, evil, and to show off.

Like most people, I have a list of historical figures I plan on snuffing out as soon as I figure out how to go back in time.

Here is the list so far:

1. Genghis Khan
2. Thomas Midgley Jr.
3. Albert Einstein
4. Joseph Stalin
5. Adolf Hitler
6. Pol Pot
7. Anne Frank

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What makes someone a good grad student

14. I admit it, damn it. I voted for Nader. And you know what: I’d do it again. You know why? Because I vote as an exercise in absurdity, not to elect any particular person.

Even though I’ve only been to one grad school party at one grad school thus far, I consider myself both able and qualified to judge what the true form of a graduate student is like. Enjoy:

• Facial hair in either of the following styles:
  • Neat, trimmed, yet odd
  • Hobo
• Crazy beliefs and combinations of incompatible beliefs in either of the following styles:
  • Religious
  • Non-religious
• Wild claims
• A high tolerance for alcohol
• Trivial knowledge and knowledge of trivia
• Competitiveness
• Knowledge of stuff you can’t even comprehend
• Wild claims of knowing stuff beyond stuff you can’t even comprehend

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