A Pixelated Mind » things i wish i could say

Things I wish I could conclude about my psyche, but can’t

Pixel — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:11:56 +0000

I just finished up a 26-part series of confessions. The order was jumbled, but they were all taken from my phonebook, letter by letter, and aimed at individual persons. You can see the –finally– complete navigation here:

Navigation: pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

Anyway. I learned a lot of things about myself in this process and I wanted to share some of them with you. In bullet form, because we’ve all grown so used to it.

I’m sort of a dick.
My phonebook needs some serious reorganization. Some names are kept in my phonebook long after they are no longer useful. For instance: the entry “*Munk tru” which is found in confession list pt. vi is that of a friend of a friend who hired me and subsequently became a semi-regular blog-reader. I do not think she has thought about me in months and I sincerely doubt if I will ever see her again. But she’s still in my phone book and will stay there. Since there are so many people in my list that I will probably never again see, there are an inordinate number of entries in which I say “I’m okay with never seeing you again.” Or something of the sort. This would be a very callous thing to say if they were people in my immediate social circle, but as they are people from the far past, I think I’m okay with it.
There are a lot of women that sort of like me or I sort of like.
… a lot. This came as a bit of a shocker, but it really shouldn’t be. I was single and looking for a long time. It’s just bothersome
A lot of the people in my life are far away. I don’t get to see many of the people I care about very often. But those are just the numbers that derive from moving often in my life. Luckily, I get to see some pretty awesome people most days.
… but they’re a very small subsection of my phone list, apparently.
… Or maybe I just don’t have very many things to say to them that I can’t. My confession about my friend *re, for instance, was “You are one of my favorite people of all time. I love you, man.“ Not as dramatic as some of the other things I said, I know. But… what can you do?
I don’t like a good percentage of the people I encounter whose phone numbers I have. In my defense, I don’t really hang out with very many people I dislike, I just don’t delete phone numbers, so the people I dislike start accumulating on my list.
So maybe I’m not such a dick.
I hope.

What have you concluded?

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXVI of XXVI)

Pixel — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 04:39:14 +0000

I’ve decided that this will be a grab bag of confessions to people who, for some reason, where not in my phone book. I am including people that I know through the Internet, though Ashley and Moof are not on this list as they have been posted in other segments. I’m setting a rule that I must have known these people for six months or longer and that I must expect some future contact from them. Otherwise, this list would just get too extensive. Also, I’m not including many people I know in professional capacities, like professors, because that would also bring in a huge load of poorly thought-out confessions.

*ahem*

Your sense of humor is just mean.
I miss you. When you got sick, I lost the person I grew up with and you’ve never recovered. I know you feel worse about it than any of us, but you were a great grandfather when I was a kid.
You were my once best-case scenario and it sucks that I haven’t seen you in a while. Maybe next year?
Stop calling me. I didn’t like you when you weren’t a triple-divorce and single mother of four, why would I like you now?
I didn’t really like you when I first met you…. and I never second met you.
The government doesn’t care about you and nobody is out to get you. There are no conspiracies of the sort you concern yourself with and you should stop telling people there are.
You’re funny and cool.
Your son is either immature or a complete scoundrel. Your choice.
That your philosophical positions led you to be able to believe in anything that made you feel better is silly. No offense intended to anyone else, but Jesus is your own personal reductio ad absurdum.
I’m sorry that your very existence makes me sad. You seem like cool enough siblings, but I’m not sure if we’ll ever be friends.
You accidentally made me lie to a person I truly care about. Which hurt.
I’m glad you had a boyfriend you loved and not hurt at all that you couldn’t come to visit when you were nearby. I was there once, I know how it is.
I really wish I could go back to visit so that you could tease me and we could hang out. Unfortunately, I may never return to Mexico for top secret reasons.
‘Damaged Goods’ implies that there were goods to be damaged.
You’re not as cute as you think you are. I can’t stand your attitude, which means I can’t stand you. >:[
If you’re faking your personality: STOP IT. It’s annoying. If not… then you have much bigger problems than your uni and relationships.

pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXV of XXVI)

Pixel — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 04:15:49 +0000

Just one more…

I must never speak to you again. This is for your own good. Also, for the sake of avoiding drama.
I never realized how much of a douche you were, I’m glad you left.

Navigation: pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXIV of XXVI)

Pixel — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:47:40 +0000

Wow, I’m almost getting to the end here..

Sorry you ended up with my brother. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty sure that’s going to come to an end soon.
You’re my boy and I love you, man. Good luck with both your career and life.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXIII of XXVI)

Pixel — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:41:47 +0000

Ha ha.

That’s good, I guess, but get it right next time.

Indeed.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXII of XXVI)

Pixel — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:36:52 +0000

Man, I hate it when I don’t know anyone with a particular letter of the alphabet.

The first letter of your name is useless!!

Navigation pt. i, pt. ii, pt. iii, pt. iv, pt. v, pt. vi, pt. vii, pt. viii, pt. ix, pt. x, pt. xi, pt. xii, pt. xiii, pt. xiv, pt. xv, pt. xvi, pt. xvii, pt. xviii, pt. xix, pt. xx, pt. xxi, pt. xxii, pt. xxiii, pt. xxiv, pt. xxv, pt. xxvi

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XXI of XXVI)

Pixel — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 04:56:38 +0000

Oh, you..

You’re fun and chipper and hyper and I enjoy hanging out with you, but we have so little else in common that I doubt that will happen ever again.
I use you when I miss a call, but I really, really hate you.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XX of XXVI)

Pixel — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:55:33 +0000

I’ve decided to change up the order on the letters that were left. I don’t know if this is of any use to anyone, but I’m still hoping it’s figure-out-able, so… Yeah

You’re one of my greatest friends, but you’re such a skeptic that it brings me down. Only, that’s such a lame thing to complain about that I never tell you anything. So… I wish I could, but even I find it a silly issue.
You’re fun, but your life seems so tattered and stressed. Sorry about that.
I don’t think you’re allowed to leave a guy for not being ambitious if he spent the last four years working so that you could go to college. Just sayin’.
You’re not as smart as you imagine. I think that’s an a priori truth.
Your kids are going to get into alcohol and drugs because they idolized you and you got into alcohol and drugs and didn’t change drastically as a result.
I’m pretty scared of you. Especially if you ever find out about your daughter.
Sorry I didn’t see you more when you lived nearby. I would have, but my life was too important to set aside.
I really like and respect you, but you’re so ridiculously awkward.
Yes, I would like some free swag. No, I would not like to listen to bad jokes and watch bad movies in order to get said swag.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XIX of XXVI)

Pixel — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 04:41:49 +0000

This is where I’m glad that my phonebook is alphabetical by nicknames rather than anything else.

You should come out with us more. You’re relatively cool, but mostly we just want to hang out with your friends.
I didn’t make anything better and was likely instrumental in making it significantly worse. I truly am sorry about that.
You make my world a better place. Or at least you would, if you weren’t so unreliable that even when we end up by happenstance in the same place at the same time, you stand me up and go hang out with lame-os.
He is selfish and crazy. Please realize this. Or, because it makes everyone else’s life easier: don’t. I just think I would feel bad if you end up stuck with him because nobody warned you. I think Eva Braun started like that.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVIII of XXVI)

Pixel — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 04:41:47 +0000

Man… did everyone in New Mexico’s name start with this letter?

I love all the books you’ve given me and all the games we’ve played and am glad and proud to call you my true friend.
Please explain whether you are in love with me as a person or as a boy. Then please explain if you are a lesbian or bisexual. Then please explain how you have a child. *ahem* What. The. Hell.
I think you should start dating again. But I don’t even know how to counsel you to start.
I did not love who you thought I did. But mostly what I wish I could say is that it is sad that you believe your own bullshit.
Hey – making fun of people only works if it’s in jest and they are that kind of friends. Shut the hell up.
Man, why didn’t you invite me to your birthday party? That would have been cool.
I wish you’d stayed funny instead of turning into a lush. You had insane amounts of talent.
I’m sorry your boyfriend killed himself. I’m sorry I used the occasion to become your friend. I’m not sorry I asked you out, but I am sorry that you said no. And I’m not sorry that you left the country shortly thereafter.
You taught me to stand on my head and made cookies, because you were so cool. Now I know how to do neither. So… maybe you’re not a good teacher?
I’m sorry that I got into your field because I had nothing better to do and ended up doing so much better in it than you did. I feel bad that you asked me to do that.
I should have kissed you seven years ago. I should never have stopped being your friend. But the few times I’ve talked to you since then make me feel like maybe I made the right decision after all.. (?)
I’m not at all hurt that you didn’t call me back when I asked out your voicemail. I was actually sort of hoping for that.
You are a fabulous person. We should hang out more than once (1) total in life.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVII of XXVI)

Pixel — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 04:41:45 +0000

Hm. I see what I did here.

We should hang out about 10 percent more often than we currently do. Because right now you seem too cool, but I think 10 percent more saturation ought to do it.
I look forward to coming up with witty and original ways of referring to you in the months to come.
You’re neither as funny nor as cool as you think you are. I don’t know why my friends still insist on hanging out with you.
You’re neither as funny nor as interesting as you think you are. I don’t know why you are still alive.
Cheer up, silly pants! You don’t build a career by thinking you’re talentless and shouldn’t even bother.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XVI of XXVI)

Pixel — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:24:26 +0000

…. well, this is a short post. I know two people who have this letter as the first letter of their name. Neither of them are in my phone book. But who cares, right?

¡Piyo! Te quiero mucho y me caes muy bien.
I don’t actually appreciate your sense of humor quite so much. It can border on conceit. But you’re a ridiculously smart man and hilarious most times.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XV of XXVI)

Pixel — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 04:41:44 +0000

This… this one took a while.

Your life makes me sad that people have to live through mistakes before they develop good judgment. It bothers me what became of you. I loved you like a brother and now… now I can barely stand you.
I find you attractive in so many ways. I’m glad you don’t live near here, because then I’d make yet another mistake.
They refused to let you be a professor, then you became the department head?? What the hell. You should have told them to go screw themselves. Learn to be meaner, please.
Talk about arrested development. I thought beer bellies were a strictly male thing.
You destroyed my mother and your own financial solvency. I don’t know if you’re happy, but I doubt it. And now… after all of the moral gray areas I’ve lived through…. now I finally forgive you.
Why did you have children with her? Or at all? Do you really want to raise cannon fodder? Just let your life be a complete failure and leave it at that. There’s no sense passing along the… joy?
She’s a wonderful human being. I’m glad she has someone like you to take care of her. But I still worry and envy. You understand.
On the one hand, I wish we were better friends, but on the other, I am perfectly fine with the way things have turned out. Sad, though.
You are my best memory and worst regret.
Your mother is crazy, and yet I’m sad you took after your father.
I wish I could tell you that I didn’t sleep with your sister. More than anything…
Sorry you got dealt the Royal Sampler in life. I’ll visit you in prison when you get older, though.
My brother slept with your sister. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wow.

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XIV of XXVI)

Pixel — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:32:15 +0000

Damn.

Pleased to meet you. (I can’t say this because I don’t know you and haven’t met nor heard of you.)

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Things I wish I could say to people, but can’t (pt. XIII of XXVI)

Pixel — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 04:25:47 +0000

Damn. I’m preparing for the storm. The next one will be light, but the one after that will be the biggest yet. *sigh*

You’re more down to earth than your partner, and I might like you a bit more if not for the fact that you’re a very peculiar person.
Maybe you’re not gay, and you no longer make me uncomfortable. And I would still hang out with you and think you’re pretty cool… but with Trumpz just twenty minutes farther and my time always being short, I just don’t know when we’ll ever hang out again.
Slow. Down….. Stop. Talking.
You and I were always cool. I’m so sorry about what happened to Kyle.

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