Things I don’t find funny

46. I sometimes worry that I’ll get to the point where I won’t be able to relate to anyone without a tertiary education level or a finely-tuned sense of ironic irreverence. It seems that the amount of awkward silences between my mother and me have increased exponentially since I stopped pooping in my diapers when I was 14.

Generally, people tell me that my sense of humor is warped. I always counter that I have a much broader sense of humor than most. I find a lot of things funny that most people don’t. Sometimes I find them funny because most people don’t. But there are quite a few things that I don’t find funny.

So here is a short list of things I do not find funny:

1. Sarcasm. I’m ofter accused of being sarcastic, but I’m not! I’m snarky, whimsical, ironic, hyperbolic, witty, and wry, but never sarcastic. Sarcasm is a particular type of ironic statement said to call attention to another person or statement’s ignorance or stupidity. It’s usually rude and hurtful. And it erodes relationships by wearing on the other person’s ego.
2. Bathroom humor. He said, poopingly.
3. Kids saying the darnedest things. I remember being a kid and having grown ups laugh at me whenever I did anything ‘cute.’ It pissed me off!
4. Shock humor. For the sake of shock, I mean. The shock should be the tool or maneuver, not the whole joke.
5. Puns. I appreciate them, but have never really laughed at one… not that they’re meant to arouse laughter, of course.
6. Religious jokes. I might have a different opinion if I’d heard a new one in the past ten years, but as I haven’t, it’s on the list.
7. Racial Jokes.

CAUTION: A joke counts as a racial joke if the punchline involves an exaggeration of a crude racial stereotype. Thus any joke that begins with “a white guy, a black guy, and a mexican are on a plane” will likely be a racial joke. BUT NOT NECESSARILY. Take, for example, the following joke:

What’s sad about four black guys in a Cadillac driving off a cliff?

… They were my friends…

I find that joke hilarious. But any hyperbolic stereotypes that are usually based on a culture’s underlying resentment? Count me out. I’d rather read Garfield.

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The other, other closet

42. When I was 14, I began my own “Newsletter.” I did it because blogs didn’t exist yet, I didn’t have an Internet connection, I was underage, and I wanted to make people laugh. So I created a four-page document that eventually became a 12-page biweekly viewspaper. It was eventually called the Pix Capacitor… just in case you were wondering what the .com meant.

Demetri Martin dropped out of law school to become a stand up comedian:

It’s weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, “You’ve got one year left. Just do it.” I had a full scholarship so I didn’t have to pay for it. They asked, “Why don’t you just get the degree so you can have it?” And I said, “You don’t understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it’s dumb to waste any more time.

Most people, when they hear this, think he was being stupid. He could have waited a year and become “Demetri Martin, J.D., Comedian,” rather than just “Demetri Martin, Comedian.”

Demetri: I completely understand. And I’ll try to explain it to the lay people in the audience below the fold:

Continue reading The other, other closet…

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Nobody falls in love with a résumé

31. I refused to keep a resume until I graduated from college.  I sort of regret that now.  I look much, much worse on paper than I do in real life.

I’m not sure why people always think about attractiveness first when thinking about their ideal lover. Actually, I am sure, I just wish it weren’t the case, as it is such a flimsy basis for anything. Anyway, I’m going to do my own version of Moof’s list. In no particular order, 15 things I want in a lover:

1. Humor. Even if she does not make jokes of her own, she must at least laugh at them. There is, of course, an ideal amount of laughter. A too jolly lady is just as bad as one that is taciturn.
2. Irreverence. That’s the nicest way to say “will put up with my lack of reverence for most things in life.” I’ve had dates end before the meal arrived because of this point.
3. Rationality. I don’t care if she disagrees with everything I say (including if and but), as long as she has thought about the reasons for her points of view.
4. Genius. After high school, intelligence becomes a strange construct, where people can have a different skill set and yet still be as smart. In this case, genius means an area of depth and specialty.
5. Intellectuality. A person can be an intellectual without being educated and smart without being intellectual. Intellectuality is a desire and passion for knowledge.
6. Availability. Yeah, I don’t want to date married chicks. I’m sure they’re great (at least one person thinks so, right?), but I try to avoid drama. You understand.
7. Chemistry. There’s nothing worse than being a few seconds out of sync in a conversation with someone.
8. Communication. I wish I knew Morse code. Failing that, I’d settle for just someone who said what they meant, meant what they said, and shared what they thought.
9. Sincerity. Basically no acerbic, caustic, acid, snide, or sarcastic people. Conversation should flow like a stream, not stall like a minefield.
10. Drive. I have nothing against housewives, I just have nothing in common with them either. Professional womyn are where it’s at for me.
11. Ethicality. That’s not a word, but it should be.  I’d like to date a vegetarian or an environmentalist chick.  That seems like it’d be nice.
12. Patience. Rather, a lack of impatience. There’s nothing scarier than an angry woman.
13. Attractiveness. I suppose I should be attracted to her.  That might help.
14. Fitness. Also, she should not be about to die.
15. Obscurity. To get vague references to poorly thought-out, obscure work.

I write the list, knowing full well that a woman might meet every requirement without being a good mate and vice versa. A person is more than the sum of their parts. Anyone that isn’t is not a very worthwhile person.

Last Year: Pants to Self
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Dear Pixel, age 22,

Hey… you!
I have just received your letter and was rather confused by the advice. You told me to ignore grades and make friends, but I took that to be a typo. Surely you wanted me to ignore friends and make grades, right? Your letter seemed to think what I do with my life will somehow affect yours, but I can’t see how that follows at all. Besides, your advice was all aimed at things I haven’t done yet. What good is that kind of advice? I guess I’ll just ignore it until it does make sense.

Anyway, I wanted to ask what I’m doing with my life at age 22. The way I figure, you’re about old enough now to have made your first million, right? That’s probably how you sent that letter back in time. Also, did you ever end up using that costume I designed to fight crime? I was looking at it right now and realized I hadn’t put in enough pockets for gummy worms. I’ll keep working on it for you, okay?

Wow. You’re 22. What’s that like? I bet you’re really strong. Does your wife like that? How many kids do you guys have? Are any of them in college?

Also, I wanted to know if you and Luis were still best friends forever. Was he your best man at your wedding? I bet he ate a lot of cake. He likes cake.

So, now that you’re retired and a millionaire, do you have parties all the time? I bet you hang out with your brother almost every day. Me and him are on okay terms right now, but that’s just because we got a second controller to the Sega. Do you have a Sega? Sega has probably come out with a much better system in your time, though. Right?

Hey! What if you reply to this with some old (to you) copies of various Sega games?? I like Sonic and Shinning Force, but Phantasy Star is good too.

Please reply really quickly! I really want some games! Plus also: I want to know more about your supermodel wife. Does she know about your secret crime fighting? Does she fight crime with you?

Awesome.

Sincerely,
Pixel, age 10, © 1995

p.s. Don’t worry about your life disappointing me. It won’t, I’m sure. I don’t care if you only fight crime on the weekends and your wife is only a part-time model. Or what else is it? Has the commissioner not given you the key to the city yet? Because it’s all politics, you know.

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Dear Pixel, age 11,

Sorry about the bad advice I gave you last time. I couldn’t help it. It just seemed hilarious at the time. Besides, some jerk future version of myself did it to me when I was your age and he was the age I am now. If I ever get a hold of that bastard, I’ll teach him a lesson. You mark my words!

Anyway, on to the advice:

• Resort to psychological warfare, especially when dealing with bullies. Practice saying this into the mirror until you can pull it off with a straight face and a look of disappointed pity: “Picking on me? Really? No wonder your parents yell all the time. You’re a bad child. You’re the reason they fight. They probably wish you’d never been born. You get in their way. Nobody could love you. You’re a bad child. If they get a divorce, it’ll be your fault. They would have been happy if they’d only had your brother. That’s why you have to take it out on me: it’s the only way anybody will pay attention to you. I just wish you knew how sad and pathetic everyone at school thinks you are. It actually makes me feel bad for you.”
• Do research on your teachers. Find out what school they graduated from and what they’re certified to teach. Then use it in creepy and mysterious ways.
• No matter how certain you are of what you want to do when you grow up, give yourself some wiggle room.
• Avoid getting suckered into activities simply because you don’t want to disappoint someone. That disappoints me.
• Drop the classes you didn’t think you could drop because of some mysterious ‘obligation.’
• Get new glasses or a new hairstyle. I just saw a picture of you and… yikes.
• Don’t talk in class. This goes well with my next piece of advice:
• Shut up.
• Victory is in numbers. Whether it’s a terrible teacher or a self-centered ‘popular clique,’ remember that in high school this will all seem silly. Try to gather all the unpopular kids and unite them against a common enemy. It’s surprising how easy it is to get people behind a geed idea.
• Start writing. You’re better than that junk you read, you just haven’t developed it yet.
• Talk to old friends you grew apart from. You might not get the chance to fix the relationship later when you really want to.
• I’m not going to lie to you, this year is going to suck, but at the end of it all, you’ll be a better person for it.
• Oh, and learn to tell when future versions of yourself are lying to you.

I’ll write some more when I think of it. Expect it in a year or so. You can write back to me via futureme.org or using a time capsule.

So long, sugartits!

– Pixelation Qyw Styx, age 22, ©2007

p.s. I hate you. Try to not be hateworthy.

Last Year: A photo(shop) blog
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