Meet the Pixel

Asking myself the questions I’m too scared to ask myself.

Questioner Pixel Q. Styx: First of all I’d like to welcome you and thank you for agreeing to this interview.

Answerer Pixel Q. Styx: It’s my pleasure, I’m a huge fan of yours, Carlos.

Pixel: … It’s ‘Pixel.’

Styx: Yes, yes it is.

Pixel: No, my name is Pixel.

Styx: Oh, good for you… Were your parents hippies or something?

Pixel: Moving on. Mr. Styx, you recently stated the following on your blog:

We all know I’m in the pocket of Big Pixel, but did you know I once had a fling with Big Oil? It didn’t end well and I had jock itch for a week afterward.

My question is, what do you mean by being in the pocket of Big Pixel and having a fling with Big Oil? Are you saying that they have an undue influence on you?

Styx: That quote is taken out of context. What I meant to say was that my positions are perfectly in line with the vast majority of the American public, and, as an odd consequence, with Big Pixel as well. But I am proud to say that in the past 72 hours, I have never, I repeat: NEVER taken a dime from corporate lobbyists. Some of my opponents have, but I won’t name any names. I believe what follows that quote is the full text of the constitution and a list of 80 things that my opponents have done worse than I have, yet have attacked me for.

Pixel: Later on in that same article you write:

Some of these opponents have pointed at the recent $164,000 “contribution” that the Centrists for Religious Whateverism have donated to my personal bank account. Allow me to disavow, in no unequivocal words, how much or how little this may or may not have influenced me. Furthermore, let me expound on how infantile this accusation seems, after all: I’ve dealt with it countless times in the past and if anyone is truly interested, they can just check my record.

What are you saying here?

Styx: Oh, that’s a misquote.

Pixel: We took it from the article you wrote. It’s currently up on your Web site, we’re looking at a live stream of it right now. Don’t you have a comment?

Styx: I don’t think I should discuss it any further as it has been beaten to the ground ad nauseum over the entire cycle. I’ve answered the accusation numerous times and my opponents are only trying to gain political capital by jumping on this trite and inane little contribution. My record is quite clear.

Pixel: Actually, we checked your record, it’s been sealed under a judges injunction. But what we have gathered is secret tapes of you talking to Bob Smith, the leader of the CRW. Let’s listen:

(poor quality recording)

Styx: So, thanks for the money. How can I help you? Do you want a bill passed? Do you want your ex-wife whacked? How about women and drugs? I can get you anything you want.

Smith: Actually, I really was just donating the money because I support your campaign.

Styx: How about getting your daughter into Yale? Eliminating your criminal record? Diplomatic plates? An ambassadorship? An appointment as chairman of the Federal Reserve?

Smith: No, I really am quite happy. My daughter is in Harvard, my record is clean, I don’t drive, and I’m retired.

Styx: I didn’t hear anything about not killing your wife. Consider it done.

Smith: No! No, please, just take the money and go. You don’t even have to thank me.

Styx: Right, all of the above then. Consider yourself thanked.

Do you have any comment?

Styx: That was a typo.

Pixel: … The recording. Was a typo?

Styx: Please, Wolf, you’d think I hadn’t gone through this time and again. It was a typo, I don’t know what else to tell you.

Pixel: My name is ‘Pixel.’

Styx: What are you, autistic?

Pixel: No, I mean it’s not ‘Wolf.’

Styx: What do you want, a cookie?

Pixel: Thank you, Mr. Styx.

Styx: No problem, Ringo.

… Tim Russert has nothing on me!

Last Year: Back to school
| 1 Comment

Current Events

As my post for today, I’ve decided to be a bit riské and talk about politics and current events. As you all know, this is a very powerful time in the world today. Apart from the craziness going on in Pakistan, Kenya, and the presidential race, we also have the continuous problems in Iraq, global warming, and the economy. But all of that is insignificant when compared to today’s topic: The ongoing crisis in Ethiopia where reporters without borders write a letter to the Prime Minister about the government’s refusal to license two new newspapers.

From allAfrica:

Reporters Without Borders wrote to Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi yesterday asking him to reconsider the information ministry’s refusal to approve applications made by three journalists to register two new weekly newspapers, Lualawi and Habesha.

The requests for licenses were submitted in September by Serkalem Fasil, the former editor of three weeklies that are now closed (Menelik, Asqual and Satenaw), her husband Eskinder Nega, the former owner of the now dissolved Serkalem Publishing Enterprise, and Sisay Agena, the former publisher of Ethiop, another weekly that was forced to close.

I know!  How harsh!  I can’t believe none of the liberal/corporate media have reported this!  I feel bad for staying silent on this ongoing crisis for so long.  So many of my readers have sent me gigabytes of messages, asking why I haven’t covered it so far…  Back to the article:

“The release of journalists and government opponents in 2007 was a significant step towards national reconciliation and the healing of the wounds caused by the violent protests against the election results in November 2005,” the letter said. “With the prospect of another election in 2008, we would like to point out that, just as political pluralism is essential for democracy, so media pluralism offers everyone a platform to express themselves legally and thereby helps to safeguard public order and social peace.”

When the three journalists filed their applications, all the legal requirements had been met and the licences should have been issued within a few hours. However, a ministry employee told them their case required detailed examination and that they would get a reply by 25 October.

This deadline was not met. Instead, they were given an appointment for 1 November with the promise that the head of the licensing department, Zemedkun Tekle, would receive them in person. On 1 November, they were told the meeting had been cancelled and that they would be notified of the ministry’s decision by phone. They finally learned on 1 January that the ministry had refused their applications without any explanation.

Aside from slavery, apartheid, genocides in Sudan, children being abducted and mutilated, parents being burned alive, the torture of the diamond/chocolate/coffee trade, racial and religious intolerance, and the devastation of AIDS, nothing has hurt Africa worse than this.

I just hope the world doesn’t ignore this… before it’s too late.

| No Comments

All Hail Patient Joseph, the Step Father of Jesus

You guys have no idea how lucky you are that we made it past the entire Christmas season without my making fun of the Virgin Mary once!

Ever since this post, I’ve been incensed by the whole “Virgin” Mary concept. It’s actually caused some heated arguments between my friends and I. See, I think that if Mary was a virgin, then Joseph deserves all of the praise. I mean, this guy stuck around even though his wife refused to sleep with him. He stayed with her even after she became pregnant with another man’s child. Then, when she was 8 months pregnant, he traveled with her to his ancestral homeland to take part in a census. And this isn’t even to mention the fact that he stuck around to raise another man’s child and train him in carpentry.

If we praise Mary for being chaste and virtuous, we should also praise Joseph for being patient. That’s all I’m saying.

Quick note: if you have one of those nativity scenes, the three wise men should arrive about now. It’s the epiphany, don’t you know?

Last Year: Unsock, A new record and Articles
| 4 Comments

Deep, like a lobster

Today, I broke my glasses and wrote a poem.  I was going to post it, but then I tore it up, because life sucks and nobody loves me.

Also, that cute girl at school I like looked at me, then— if you can even believe it— she looked away.  She probably hates me.

I tried killing myself then by swallowing pills, but the effect kept wearing off by the time I took the next recommended dose.  I CAN”T DO ANYTHING WRITE!!

Ugh.  I’m so emo. No, no I’m not.  I’m a realist.  It’s LIFE that’s emo.  All the happy people just can’t tell, though, because they live in their own little bubble.  That’s a good metaphor: happy people.

I hope you got some value out of this post, because if not, I’m going to close the comments, shut down the Internet and cry into my pillow.  Then you’ll see what’s so happy!

| 3 Comments

How did you enjoy the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Least sensitive things ever said:

• Ooh, look, they have some early morning fireworks over by the World Trade Center!
• How was it living on beach-front property for 14 years, Mr. Dantes?
• Oh, it was terrible! You don’t know what it’s like to be alone for so long, Mr. Crusoe!
• Mr. Roosevelt, sir, do you want to go for a quick jog after your fireside chat?
• Marie Antoinette, I take it you don’t want cake as your last meal?
• Yeah, the surf off Indonesia was okay, but it was no tsunami!
• You’d think thousands of hours of unpaid child slave labor would produce better diamonds, but I guess not.
• What, the man you thought was your father actually abducted you from your real parents and sodomized you for years until you grew to old for his tastes and he kidnapped some other kid, thus giving you eternal trauma, an inability to trust and feelings of inadequacy? Wow, sucks to be you.
• I don’t know, I just don’t buy the story that Helen Keller wasn’t a completely useless invalid.
• Mrs. Smith, your son just died in Vietnam…  on the bright side, he was the last person to die for a mistake!

| No Comments