Everytime I read a post about someone else’s life, I always wonder if it isn’t just an elaborate farce, the way my blog is…

26. I once tried to go a whole day in which everything I said was a lie. It was surprisingly difficult. Apparently there’s some things we say in day to day life that aren’t easily categorized as true or false. Curious.

Hm. I have a life update, but it’s one of those happy updates and those bore me. So, instead, I’m going to update you on my anti-life. For those of you who don’t know (about this concept I just made up), an anti-life is the exact opposite of a regular life. The idea is to write ambiguous things that have no clear opposites, then see if you can trigger the laugh response as people attempt to reverse-engineer your regular life.

Okay, so yesterday I was sleeping with twelve supermodels in my palatial estate, when my butler informed me that the UPS guy had stopped by and was sitting in my greeting room enjoying a nice cup of hot cider.

I invited him into my brief conversation room and we lit some cigars as we discussed world geopolitics. After half an hour of talking, I realized I was nude and went back to my room to change into a bathrobe and pipe. As I returned to my chandelier room, the UPS informed me, in verse, that Duke had withdrawn their fellowship offer and was giving me $1020 less than I had previously expected. Just then, he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Throughout the rest of the day, I was spontaneous and did spontaneous things such that, when the early morning rolled around, I telepathically communicated with an ugly, taciturn guy about getting together for a picnic in the park at sunrise. It never came about, however, and we had a terrible time, so we’ll never talk again. Especially not next Tuesday.

p.s. If you’ve figured out that last paragraph, then I had a lovely time, thanks for asking.

Last Year: Haiku to Moofruot
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Happy Birthday Holly!

4. I was born at 19:41, on 29 May 1985. There’s nothing really special about this day, but I still pause every time I see the clock say 5:29.

I have a friend who’s birthday it is today. I feel bad because I’ve missed it for the past eight years and she only has a birthday every four years.

Happy birthday!

(I apologize if I offended anybody by this post, but I feel really strong about this issue, as you’ve probably gathered from the post. Comments are closed because I don’t want trolls or people flaming me, but pings are open, so you can respond to this post across the blogosphere if you have any valuable insight to add or wish to challenge my claim in any way.)

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The Million Mac March

I’m so sick of discrimination, I want to vomit in fury.  I’d finally gotten to the point in my life when I thought that I was okay with this.  When I thought that the world was changing and that in a few years, I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  But then I’m woken from my dogmatic stupor by incidents like the one that occurred to me this morning.  I’ll give you the play-by-play:

• I decided I needed to buy a microphone for my podcast, so I went to Radio Shack, because I had questions that needed answers.
• I arrived, carrying a baby blue Hello Kitty umbrella.  I could tell that the attendant looked upon it with disdain.  The fact that I walked in with my male friend, Yoshi, did not help anything.
• The attendant was very obviously a white man, and, as I discovered later, a very staunch Libertarian and Jehovah’s Witness.
• It didn’t look good for me when I asked him for help choosing a microphone I could use for my upcoming podcast.
• But he was nice and let me know which microphone I should get, saving me a ton of money in the process.  I went home to try it out.
• That was when the unthinkable happened:  the microphone he sold me was not compatible with Macintosh!

I know!  It’s inhumane, discriminatory, and unconscionable.  I should call the ACLU.  I mean… what kind of a world is this when a Mac user can’t walk around with a chump PC user without feeling judged as inferior?

…  I think I’m going to go and sit in my car alone now.

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Randomly Moofed

Memo to Pixel Inc. Associates

There is henceforth a new position available.

This position shall be “Random Moof” and shall carry a yearly salary of one hug, which is not enough for any benefits friendly or otherwise, but is a great start for anyone seeking part-time employ.
We will be accepting applications until we fill this position and are specifically looking for someone with the following qualities:

• female
• Bilingual is preferred
• Curly to wavy dark hair
• Willing to commute to Canada, or work from home
• Is now No. 2 all time commenter
• Once sent me a sock

If you feel you can qualify, please feel free to contact us. We may have the perfect position for you.

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Reapplications for friendships requested

Memo to all Pixel Inc. Associates

Due to continued time shortages and increasingly pessimistic economic projections, Pixel Inc. has decided to lay-off some associates. Therefore, we will be reposting all positions and asking current team members to reapply. We understand that this is a hassle, but hope to give everyone a fair shot to keep their position as Pixel Inc. goes through this very terrible restructuring.

Therefore, if you are an associate looking to return to your position or consider yourself able to advance, we encourage you to submit your resume and cover letter to submissions@pixcapacitor.com. We have openings across the board, including:

• True Friend
• Good Friend
• Buddy
• Friendly Acquaintance
• Byte-sized Acquaintance

Positions open at the time of the restructuring will stay open until they are filled. These positions include

• Girlfriend
• Best friend
• Hacker friend
• Gay friend
• Stoner friend
• (The jock friend position has been eliminated)

So please, if you’re an associate, contact us immediately about your position. If you are looking for work, now may be your time to be considered a member of our wonderful family. In any case, we look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,

Pixel Q. Styx III

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