We need new verb tenses, guys

I had this idea a long time ago, wrote a draft, then let it sit until now. Now I stand it up because my friend Iris insists that English would be a terrible language in which to discuss time travel.  Why?

“Because you have verb tenses. In China, we just have a verb and specify the time period independently. So instead of ‘I jumped,’ you would say ‘I – in past – jump.’”

I admit that Chinese has us by the short hairs on time travel clarity, but at least in English we can sing words that everybody understands the first time!¹

In any case, I don’t want to learn another language when time travel becomes not only possible, but commonplace. I’ll just hope that we have new verb tenses for the various new situations that we encounter. Here are my suggestions:

As an example, I’ll use the word ‘engorge’

These are all going to sound stupid until they start getting used. So what are you waiting for?

1. This zinger makes much more sense if you realize that Chinese is a language in which much information is conveyed through tone of voice… more than the speaker’s mood or accent, of course. This, in turn, makes it very difficult to sing with any clarity, at least until you understand the context really well. So: Zing![↩]
2. There’s a chance we might also need better indexicals. If I say ‘I’ but there are three versions of me in any given time, to who am I referring? Food for thought.[↩]

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How Guys Can Avoid Getting Mugged

A friend of mine recently told me that the best thing to do when someone tries to rob you is whatever they want.

They’ve already broken the social contract. You don’t know what else they’re capable of, so you should just obey what they say and hope it ends quickly.

This, to me, seems like a very defeatist attitude. Why should I concede the social contract to them? If they can violate the social contract, I sure as hell can.  In fact, I can violate it better than anyone!

So next time someone demands all of your money, don’t say a word. Just start yelling and take off all of your clothes. Then you can either start scratching yourself or masturbating furiously. The idea is to do something so completely out of line that they decide that they’d be better off leaving you alone than continuing with the mugging.

Be warned: this only works for guys. If girls try this, they might end up both robbed and raped.

*ahem*

Which brings me to my next post:

Continue reading How Guys Can Avoid Getting Mugged…

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The Sarah Project

My good friend Sarah is leaving the country for two years. This is sad for a lot of us, as she is a good friend. It’s hard to be away from a person that is a social bedrock and a personal confidant. It’s doubly bad for her as she’s going to be away from far more people than silly ol’ me.

But worse is the possibility of missing two years of their lives. It’s one thing to delay enjoying someone’s misadventures, it’s quite another to miss out on many of them altogether.

So I came up with a solution.  Every week, I will film a somewhat social section of my life for at least one minute. At the end of these two years, I will edit all of the minutes together into a 104 minute long movie and present it to her as a gift. It’s my hope that this movie will capture the changing lives of Sarah’s friends so that she’ll be able to see them winge about work, school, and brag about their new houses and children.

I’m also hoping this will illuminate a little bit of my own life in the process.

You should join me.

Last Year: Things I wish I could say to people, but can't (pt. XV of XXVI)
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The 10-Point Public Bathroom Grading Rubrik

I’ve told people about my 10-point rubrik for public bathrooms.  Here it is, for the first time ever. Each item present earns the restroom one point. A Perfect 10 is a restroom worth planning trips around.  What does the restroom nearest you score? The one at the Guglhupf scored a 9 before I used it. It’s probably a 4.5 now. My bad.

• There is running water
• There are toilets/urinals that work
• Toilet paper is in good supply
• Toilet Paper is two-ply or more
• Toilets have doors
• Flushing is appropriate
• There is soap
• There is no grime/stuff lying around.  In other words: it is pretty clean.
• The soap/faucet/drying devices are appropriate and not frustrating
• Doors do not pull inward

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What is your life even for?

(cross-posted)

These are the seven themes of my life.  Things I strive for whenever I’m not decompressing.

1. Trust.  I’d rather die than break a promise. I haven’t broken one since I was 15.  I have lied many times in that decade. Some of them hurt more than others. I try to minimize my lies.
2. Laugh.  I can’t help but to find everyday things in life hilarious. Sometimes I feel it is my duty to permanently warp the senses of humor of those around me.
3. Friends. My friends matter more to me than anything except for trust and whatever seems funny at the time.  When I’m in a giddy mood, this is bad news, but generally I’m a great friend.
4. Create.  There are things that I can say, do, write, and draw that people must be aware of.  I can just feel it.
5. Genius.  I’m a pretty sharp guy. Some day I hope to do something with that.
6. Chicks.  This is on my list because 13-year-old Pixel would be very sad if it weren’t.
7. Ethics.  I want to lead an exemplary life.  To do as little harm to the people, animals, and ecosystems around me as possible. I have found that my mind too easily justifies my actions on consequentialist grounds even when the consequences turn out to be disastrous. So in order to maximize the positive consequences around me, I lead a life according to duties and virtues of my own devising….  it’s not perfect, but it tends to be much better than what the people around me do.

Last Year: Things I wish I could say to people, but can't (pt. IV of XXVI)
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